Chapter 1

Welcome to Dad Land

IN THIS CHAPTER

Exploring what it means to be a father today

Taking stock of what will change in your life

Facing the decision of whether to have a baby

Surveying the next nine months

Apparently, congratulations are in order: Either you’re going to be a father sometime within the next nine months or you’re in the planning stages of becoming a dad. Either way, you’ve come to the right place. You’ll face no bigger life decision than choosing to become a parent. (And no bigger jolt than being told baby is coming if you didn’t expect it!) The best gift you can give to your soon-to-be child is confidence, and the only way to feel confident before becoming a parent is to prepare yourself for the journey that lies ahead.

Perhaps you’re already floored by equal doses of joy and fear, which is a good sign that you recognize the magnitude of the change, but fear not — you’re up for the challenge of fatherhood. Emotions run deep when confronted with the prospect of raising a child, mainly because it’s a huge commitment and responsibility that, unlike a job, never has off-hours. Babies are expensive, confusing, and time consuming, and for many fathers, they represent the end of a carefree “youth” that extends well into adulthood.

Experiencing a jumble of feelings is normal, and the more you take those emotions to heart and explore what fatherhood means to you — and what kind of father you want to be — the easier the transition will be when baby arrives.

The Glorious, Frightening, Mind-Boggling World of Fatherhood

What exactly does it mean to be a father? The answer depends on the kind of father you want to be for your child. In recent years, movies, TV shows, and even commercials have begun to transition from the bumbling, know-nothing father of yore to the modern dad who’s just as comfortable changing a diaper as he is fixing a car. Fathers today range from traditional to equal partners in every aspect of parenting.

Most parents today don’t adhere to the traditional masculine and feminine roles that your parents and grandparents grew up with. Women work, men work, and caring for the home — inside and out — is both partners’ responsibility. Today, fatherhood is a flexible word that’s defined by how involved you want to be in the rearing of your child, but the more involved you are in your child’s upbringing, the more likely she is to be a well-adjusted, loving, and confident person.

A father? Who, me?

Yes, you. As strange as it sounds, you’re going to be a father. A great one at that, because just through the mere act of reading this book, you’re taking the proverbial bull by the horns and doing your homework to find out what it takes to be a good dad from day one. As they say, anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad.

Even if you’ve never held a baby before, don’t let self-doubt rule the day. Being a good father isn’t about knowing everything about everything; it’s about loving and caring for a baby to the best of your abilities. So don’t be afraid. Yes, that’s easier said than done, but being fearful of what lies ahead doesn’t change the fact that you’ve got a baby on the way, however far off that little bundle’s arrival may be.

If the thought of fatherhood scares you, you need to get used to the label, and the more you say and internalize it, the more it will become you. Start by saying the words “I’m going to be a father” out loud a few times. Maybe even look into a mirror while you say it. You may feel silly, but that’s a small price to pay for a major confidence boost. (Besides, the only person who will see you is you!)

Reacting to a life-changing event

Turning into a tearful, slobbering mess upon finding out that you’re going to be a father isn’t unusual. Nor is throwing up, feeling faint, laughing, swearing, or any of the normal, healthy reactions people have upon receiving life-altering information.

If your reaction isn’t 100 percent positive, that’s okay, too. Just remember that your partner likely won’t be particularly thrilled if you get upset, defensive, or angry when she tells you she’s expecting. If you’re feeling angry or scared, do your best to react to the news with calmness and class. You’ll have plenty of time to revisit any concerns or frustrations after you give the situation some time to sink in.

Some dads-to-be go into fix-it mode upon hearing the news, ready and eager to crunch budget numbers, baby-proof the entire home in a single night, begin making college plans 18 years in advance, and so on. Feeling like you need to get everything in order before baby arrives is normal, but remember that you can’t do it all in a day. Take some time to celebrate before you dive into the practical side of life with baby. (For more advice on handling the big news, refer to Chapter 4.)

Dealing with fatherhood fears

Even men who’ve been lucky enough to be surrounded by positive male role models find themselves doubting whether they have what it takes to be a dad. It’s like the fear of starting a new job amplified by 100. Part of being a good father is taking the time to confront these fears so that when baby comes, you don’t parent with fear. Following are some of the common fear-based questions men ask themselves in regard to fatherhood:

• Am I ready to give up my present life (free time, flexibility, freedom) to be a dad?
• Will I have time for my pastimes and friends?
• Will I ever sleep again?
• Is this the end of my marriage and sex life as I know it?
• Do we have enough money to raise a child?
• Do I know enough about kids to be a good dad?
• Am I mature enough to be a good role model for my child?
• What if the baby comes and I don’t love him?

Your head may be spinning with all the questions you ask yourself, and although you can’t answer them all right away, you need to address them at some point. However, plenty of men have felt unprepared and unwilling to become fathers and turned out to be great dads, so don’t despair if your initial answers to the preceding questions are mostly negative.

Parenthood involves a lot of sacrifice, but it doesn’t have to sound the death knell for your identity or happiness. Talk with your partner, a trusted friend, or a therapist — anyone who will listen to you and support your concerns without getting defensive — about the questions you have. You’ll find that some of your fears have no basis in reality and that others — such as the fear of losing yourself and your free time — require you to reprioritize your time and energy.

Regardless of what your fears may be, don’t let them fester. No man is an island, and you can’t effectively deal with all those emotions by yourself. Starting an open dialogue with your partner keeps you both on the same page, which is a good start toward making you two an effective parenting duo.

Debunking six common myths

Many of the concerns or fears you may have about fatherhood likely originated from the long-standing myths of what a father’s role should be in his child’s life. Not all that long ago, men stood in the waiting room at the hospital during delivery and returned to work the next day. Nowadays, the landscape of fatherhood is vastly different, leaving the modern dad wondering where he fits in the parenting scheme.

The following sections outline some of the most common misconceptions about fatherhood. We debunk these myths to help you understand how to be a more-involved father.

Myth #1: Only the mom-to-be should have input about labor and delivery

Though the focus is on your partner — she is, after all, the one carrying your child — you also matter, and you have the right to voice your opinions along the way. Throughout the pregnancy, share what you’re experiencing and let her know what scares you. She has a lot to think through and worry about, too, but the more you deal with those issues together, the stronger your relationship will become.

If you have thoughts and opinions about what kind of delivery option you’re most comfortable with, share those with her as well. Although ultimately you need to let your partner pick the childbirth option that’s best for her, she deserves to know your feelings on the matter. Getting involved in the decision-making process isn’t just your right — it’s the right thing to do. (Check out Chapter 9 to start getting informed on birthing options and the many decisions you’ll need to make.)

Myth #2: Men aren’t ideal caretakers for newborns

Boobs are generally the issue at the forefront of this myth. No, you can’t breast-feed your child or know what it’s like to give birth. Because a lot of fathers don’t have that initial connection, they wonder what exactly they’re supposed to do.

Mother and baby are attached to each other for nine months, but after baby arrives, it’s open season on bonding and caretaking. When your partner isn’t breast-feeding, hold, rock, and engage in skin-to-skin contact with your baby whenever possible....