Jo ‘Cunts.’ ‘Dear Cunts.’ That’s how it began. A single typewritten page which slipped under the door of every new female student at this college.

(Reading.) ‘Dear Cunts, Quims, Boxes and Holes. Your presence at this hitherto male-only institution compels us to treat you as our enemy. To maintain peace, several changes must be made. One, when eating in the dining hall, the upper part of your body must remain naked to the human eye. Two, your services as cooks, cleaners, bed-makers and bed-warmers must be available at all times.’

I confess … it made me laugh. Not at the letter’s humour – which was underdeveloped, at best – but rather, its confidence. Its sheer audacity. I’ve always believed – continue to believe – that every attempt at conciliation, no matter how dim-witted, deserves some acknowledgement. In 1986, of course, this meant writing a note and then stapling it to the college noticeboard.

(Reading.) ‘Dear Pricks, Cocks, Peckers and Bellends. Thank you for your letter of welcome. The pursuit of harmony is a collective mission deeply cherished by us all. Your letter, however, indicates you may never have known the ecstatic beauty of shared love that can exist between a man and a woman. To broaden your comprehension, I have placed several copies of Masters and Johnson’s Human Sexual Inadequacy on reserve in the college library. I encourage you all to delve into its wisdom …’

Michael No. No. No no no no no Josie, absolutely not –

Jo It’s one room, Michael –

Michael Which requires us to repurpose the games room –

Jo They already have a common room, not to mention the college bar –

Michael This is a place of learning. We create futures here. We enrich minds. Last time I checked; we were not in the business of providing religious services –

Jo We have an eighty-seat chapel –

Michael Because the college was founded in the Christian tradition. The building is Grade I listed – the chapel is the oldest part of it –

Jo I’m aware – thank you –

Michael It also happens to have one of the finest gothic interiors in the country –

Jo Yes, but it’s not like the kids use it to pray in.

Beat.

Michael What do they use it for?

Jo Nothing. Forget I said anything –

Michael Josie –

Jo Well, if you must know, these days, it’s mainly used for fucking in.

Michael Josephine –

Jo And before you blame any negligence on my part, it’s been happening since the mid-1980s and is still, I’m told, a firm and favourite college tradition.

Michael The chapel has the only Arthur Thomas organ in the country.

Jo I don’t think they care, Michael.

Michael The windows are by Ferguson and Plank. Ferguson and Plank. The 1825 refurbishment was their first-ever commission –

Jo So it should thrill you to know how thoroughly it’s being enjoyed –no, I’m serious. Think of everyone who’s been pressed up against the walls or laid out behind the pulpit. CEOs. Entrepreneurs. Artists. Even a certain high-profile politician –

Michael Josie, a chapel is supposed to be sacrosanct –

Jo Riiight –

Michael A place for quiet reflection, and – and singing, and – and prayer –

Jo Michael. When the Board hired me, you specifically asked me to diversify the student population –

Michael Well, yes, but –

Jo And now we have twenty-two students here who practise a religion other than Christianity –

Michael And we’re very impressed by that, well done you –

Jo And some of these students might also like a place for quiet reflection, singing, prayer – and if the Board won’t approve a separate multi-faith prayer room, then I will ask that we return to my first and preferred option: that we strip the chapel of anything Jesus-Christ-specific –

Michael Strip the chapel, Josie – ?!

Jo And we make it available to all.

Beat.

Michael Where do you propose we get the money for this room – ?

Jo I’ve already sorted it. Last year’s budget had two hundred and fifty thousand set aside for ‘general wear and tear’ –

Michael Yes …

Jo A quarter of a million pounds … for ‘general wear and tear?’ What the fuck are they doing –

Michael Three years ago, I believe, a group of first years engaged in some kind of vomiting competition in the junior common room, so we had to re-carpet –

Jo And we paid for it?

Michael Of course.

Jo Of course?!

Michael It’s all part of the experience, Josie. One of the main draws of the place, if I’m honest with you. A little bit of silly behaviour is to be … well … expected … encouraged even.

Jo I’m taking fifty.

Michael Josie, that is not how we –

Jo I’m taking fifty thousand pounds, which still leaves two hundred thousand for ‘silly behaviour’, we are creating a multi-faith prayer room, and when I go into that meeting, you will support me on this, do you understand me –

A knock. Jo moves to get the door.

Michael We’re still talking, Josie, don’t you dare answer that –

Jo She made an appointment –

Nikki appears.

Hello – Nikki –

Nikki / Oh … hi …

Michael Josie, I refuse to be bustled – Hello Nikki, lovely to see you again –

Nikki / Um … you too.

Jo I’m sorry, did you just use the word bustled?

Michael What’s … What’s wrong with bustled – ?

Nikki Do you want me to wait outside, or –

Michael That would be lovely, dear, I just need five more minutes –

Jo (on her phone, typing) No, Nikki, you stay exactly where you are – (Reading.) ‘Bustle. Late Middle English. To move in a noisy, energetic and often obtrusive manner’ –

Michael Right. I’m leaving to speak to your secretary –

Jo (reading) / ‘Bustle. Later definition, eighteenth-century, a pad or framework worn under a woman’s skirt to provide further rotundity or prominence to’ –

Michael (overlapping) I am leaving to speak to your secretary, Josie, and I hope, between Louisa and I, we’re able to find some room in your very busy schedule for an appointment later today –

Jo Wonderful –

Michael Later today, Josie –

Jo I’m looking forward to it.

Michael exits.

(Indicating her phone.)...