Light in My Heart (eBook)

Chapter 2

May 1992

I accept it as a truism that many males are reluctant to ask for help. We are hardwired to believe we can solve problems through trial and error. Rather than ask for driving directions or take the time to read instructions to assemble something, men simply persist in the assumption they will figure it out.

I believe that this same principle applies to relationships. It’s like the television remote control. Instead of reading the manual explaining each button on the device, a man prefers to randomly push buttons until he magically discovers the right button to make it work.

I was no exception to the rule. When it came to women, I was beginning to lose confidence wondering if I would eventually stumble on the right button to have a good relationship.

Though the chase was great and the sex was usually satisfying, my brain was now nudging out my libido, driving me to find a woman of substance. Instead of going out with women like Denise, I wanted to find the right woman for me. But, who fell into that category?

As an attorney, I handled divorce cases involving issues of child custody. When the parents could not resolve their differences, the court turned the matter over to professional marriage and family counselors; they met with the parents and their children in an effort to create a plan that was “in the best interests of the children.” It was becoming obvious to me, I needed some intervention to steer me in the direction of my best interests.

In early 1990, I represented a woman regarding the dissolution of her twenty-year marriage. The couple had three children who were deeply affected when her husband announced to my client he didn’t love her any longer; he wanted a divorce. A few weeks after this devastating announcement, my client discovered her husband was having an affair with a woman ten years his junior; he had moved in with her and her two-year-old son. This chain of events was compounded when the husband abruptly stopped seeing his children.

My client was desperate for help, so she went to see a marriage and family counselor named Dr. Miriam Fox.

As a result of my client’s early action for intervention and the good work of Dr. Fox, the children started to respond to a plan of counseling which provided them with an opportunity to air their feelings by learning how to deal with their father. After several months of therapy, the children were responding well; they felt more secure knowing they were not the cause of their father’s alienation as they were coping with the changes.

Now, it was me who needed some help, so I called Dr. Fox.

Dr. Fox’s office was located near mine. I made an appointment for late in the afternoon; I didn’t want it to interfere with my work.

Her reception room was unremarkable. A few magazines were scattered across an old coffee table in front of a long couch book-ended by two wing-back chairs. There was no one else in the room and I took a seat on the couch, picking up a magazine called, “Psychology Today.” It was the current issue and the cover pictured a teenage girl with the caption: “Do You Know Where Your Child Is?” I certainly didn’t know where I was. As I put down the magazine, I started to examine the wall in front of me. There was a paper sign instructing me, “WHEN YOU ARRIVE, PUSH THE BUTTON BELOW.” Fearing something negative might happen if I failed to follow this instruction, I got up and complied.

Within minutes, the door to the main office opened and an elderly woman walked into the waiting room. She was a cross between my paternal grandmother, Ida, just a few years before she had to be put into a skilled nursing facility and my fifth grade old-maid school teacher. I noticed her glasses immediately; she wore them on a black chain around her neck. As I looked closely at her face, I noted the lack of smile lines around her mouth.

“Jake, I am Dr. Miriam Fox. Come in. You get your choice today, the soft comfortable couch or this old hard-as-a-rock straight back chair.”

I wondered what she meant by “I get my choice today.” Was this the next test after the instruction in the waiting room to push the button? If I took the couch, she might assume I was a man who needed pampering. On the other hand, if I took the hard chair, she might think she was dealing with a real man. I decided to be practical. If this was going to be my only visit with her, I figured I should at least be comfortable; I opted for the couch. Once I was seated, she pulled up the hard chair and sat down.

With a writing pad in her left hand and a cheap Bic pen in her right, she looked straight into my eyes and inquired, “Jake, what brings you here?”

Even though I knew this question was coming, I felt some pressure; I didn’t want to give her a bad first impression. My brain was moving slowly, as though I had to present a complex symphony of thoughts. My first words were very deliberate and soft as if I was fighting the urge to stutter.

“This is a little hard for me since I’ve always taken good care of myself. I figured with enough time, I could think through my problems and be successful. I’m starting to feel some anxiety about being over forty and not finding the right woman. At one time, having a family was not important to me, now, I think I’d like to settle down with someone and possibly have children. The problem is I’m not meeting the right kind of woman. I’m meeting women I’d like to jump into bed with, not a woman to call my wife. I guess I need some direction. Maybe I need a manual like when you buy a car. And Dr. Fox, I’m now ready to carefully read a manual about women.”

I felt good thinking I was so articulate in telling Dr. Fox about my issue. To me, it was straightforward. She should tell me who the right women are and she knows I am receptive to her advice.

That good feeling brought a smile to my face. Yet, I was getting a different sense from her. It seemed like she was staring me down as if there was something odd about me. Suddenly, I could feel sweat across my brow; my confidence was eroding away. What was I doing here with this Dr. Fox? Why wasn’t she saying anything? I wondered if I was supposed to say more. Then, she moved; with her right hand she put on her glasses and wrote a note on her pad. When she looked up again, I wondered if she was grading me. Did I fail?

The silence was broken and I jumped when I heard her authoritative tone.

“Jake, maybe you need a manual about yourself.”

She paused to let the words sink in. Once she knew they had, she continued in that same tone.

“It’s very hard for you to recognize the right woman if you don’t know yourself; the same applies to me. I don’t know you.”

I felt myself sinking into the couch wondering what I’d expected from her. I felt stuck as I thought about what she said. She made sense. How could she advise me when she didn’t know me? Worse, her comment made me wonder if I knew myself.

My brain was struggling; I felt like I’d put myself into a deep hole with no way out. I coyly asked, “What do you need to know about me?”

She nodded, knowing I wanted to be compliant and eased her body language saying, “Are you willing to share who you are with me?”

My focus was being redirected. It seemed the answer to her question was the new purpose in coming to see Dr. Fox. With half a nod I responded, “I think so.”

With the knowledge she was winning the initial battle against me, she continued, “If you are, then maybe you’ll find the answer to your question. But, it takes time, patience, and exploration—what I’d like to refer to as ‘digging and communication.’ You must be honest with me and honest with yourself. After some extensive digging, I hope you’ll know yourself better.”

I felt her concern; her confidence was starting to reassure me. Yet, I felt the need to explain myself before we went any further.

“Dr. Fox,” I said. “I feel good about myself. I’m on a road to success. I’ve worked hard on my education and spent sixteen years building my law practice. I’ve got a lot to offer a woman.”

She took off her glasses and stared directly into my eyes.

“Jake, your educational accomplishments and success as an attorney are not the entirety of who you are. A woman interested in you solely because you have a law degree is not the right woman. There are many elements that make up ‘Jake’ the person; I want to explore those with you. I realize that your work provides you with the satisfaction of helping others and you’re well paid for your time. But, can you walk in a park with a woman talking about things other than your work or your money? Can you look at a flower in that park and have something meaningful to say? Can you say the word ‘love’ in different ways? That’s what I want to explore with you.

“You may have developed quite well in your ability to practice law and earn a living, but my feeling is that you have a lot to learn when it comes to relationships and understanding people. It takes a lot of sensitivity to understand the many variables of the human condition. People are motivated, stressed, delighted, and saddened by many things; it’s...