Nigel Hello. Hi. You don’t know me yet … but my name is Nigel Havers. And one day I am going to be famous. Well maybe not famous, but I’m going to be an actor. I mean, I’d very much like to be an actor. There’s only one problem –

A camp English Teacher walks on.

English Teacher Havers! Havers! We need your help!

Nigel (to the audience) So right now, I’m still at school. A minor public school, in, for argument’s sake, let’s say Chichester. So it’s February 1967. And I want you to imagine that this is the moment, the actual moment when I know I must be an actor. Here on this very stage.

Other schoolboys walk on. They carry bits of set which they start to place around Nigel.

They are singing quietly: the opening chorus of ‘You Can Make It If You Try’ by Ted Jarrett.

Nigel proceeds to warm up for his performance.

English Teacher Havers!

Nigel Yes, sir!

English Teacher We need you in the forest!

Nigel goes to go and turns back to the audience.

Nigel (to the audience) We’re doing A Midsummer Night’s Dream. It’s by William Shakespeare. But you knew that, of course –

He looks at the set being assembled around him. We see the first suggestion of Keith Richards’ country house: Redlands. Baronial and pop art design combined. A battered leather sofa. Hanging Turkish lamps, Andy Warhol cushions, a low table.

(To the audience.) It’s a very modern production.

English Teacher These lamps will represent our trees.

Nigel (to the audience) I can tell you now, my dad is going to absolutely hate it.

English Teacher Havers! Please help the choir!

Nigel Coming, sir!

Nigel takes a last look at the audience.

And that’s the problem, you see – my … No! I’m not going to say it – what do we say in the theatre? Show, don’t tell!

English Teacher Havers!

Nigel Here, sir!

English Teacher We all have to pull our weight – even when we’ve been lucky enough to be offered a starring role.

Nigel Yes, sir!

The set is almost complete. Nigel helps with the finishing touches.

English Teacher Good. Yes. Very avant-garde! Ready?

Nigel I just hope I’m good enough.

English Teacher Showtime, boys!! Lights and action!

The lights change and Nigel takes his position on stage as Puck. The English Teacher is barely concealed in the wings, mouthing along with all the words.

Nigel (as Puck)

There is a commotion at the back of the theatre.

Michael Havers, a handsome man in his fifties, is entering at the back of the auditorium. He is talking to the Female Usher, too loudly.

Michael Yes, I’m terribly, sorry, I got held up at the Old Bailey. Oh, has it started? Darn it.

Female Usher Can I see your ticket, Mr Havers?

Michael Oh, my wife deals with that.

Female Usher That’s fine.

Michael I haven’t missed much, have I?

Female Usher No, no, sir, just follow me.

The Usher leads Michael down the stairs.

Nigel (to the audience) This is exactly what I’m talking about.

Michael I can’t see a bloody thing! I’m going to break my neck.

English Teacher (to the lighting box) Hello in the box! Tarquin! Could we put some lights on for Mr Havers?

Michael Ah! Would you be so kind? Oh, that’s much better.

Nigel (to the audience) He drives me insane.

At the front of the theatre, sitting in the auditorium is Carol Havers, attractive, forties. She stands up in her seat.

Carol For God’s sake, Michael! What’s wrong with you?

Michael I’m coming! I’m coming! It’s only a school play for God’s sake. Sorry. Excuse me. I do beg your pardon.

Michael stops to greet a member of the audience.

(Improvised.) Oh hello! Nice to see you! And is this your lovely mother/wife? How are you?

Nigel (to audience) He’s always like this.

Carol Michael! Get here at once.

Female Usher Your seat is at the end of the front row, sir.

Michael Very good.

Michael (as he makes his way to his seat, to the audience) Terribly sorry about all this. Tricky case at the Old Bailey today. Obscenity case. We were asked to consider whether the latest production at the National Theatre of Great Britain contravened Section Thirteen of the Sexual Offences act. Terrible play of course –

Carol Michael. Nigel is acting!

Nigel

Michael notices his son on stage.

Michael Oh, so he is!

He turns to a member of the audience, by way of clarification.

That’s my son.

He takes in the set.

Oh Lord, it’s not modern dress, is it?

Nigel (to the audience) Didn’t I tell you?

English Teacher Yes, I just thought – I am a great devotee of Peter Brook, Mr Havers. The empty space –

Michael I just don’t understand why you have to meddle with things.

Carol (to Michael) That’s enough. Stop talking and sit down immediately!

Michael All right, woman. I’ve had a very taxing day.

Carol Well, you don’t have to make a song and dance of it.

He sits down. Nigel is staring at him.

Nigel (to his father) Have you quite finished?

Michael Is he talking to me?

Carol Of course he’s talking to you.

English Teacher (stage whisper) Tarquin! House lights please!

Michael Can he do that? He’s breaking the fourth wall, Carol.

Carol It’s Shakespeare. It’s allowed.

Michael Are you sure about that?

Carol If you don’t shut up, I’ll be breaking a lot more than the fourth wall –

English Teacher I SAID HOUSE LIGHTS!

The house lights snap out.

Nigel I’m afraid to say, Dad, our revels are not ended, not by a long shot. I hope you won’t be offended – but I have a feeling you will be. You always are. Because tonight, this very night, not seven miles from here, in a place called West Wittering –

Nigel turns to the audience.

Do you know it? … Tonight in a house called ‘Redlands’, there are some other merry wanderers of the night. I think you should meet them. Yes! And because this is theatre and in theatre anything is possible, I say: let the visions appear!

Nigel claps his hands.