Jim Have you got a CV?

Sophie Yes.

She hands it to him. He doesn’t look at it.

Jim What are you, a nurse? Social worker?

Sophie Neither. Sorry.

Jim Have you any references?

Sophie Here.

She hands some letters to him. He looks at them hopelessly.

Jim Um, I haven’t got my glasses. Tell me about yourself.

Sophie Nothing much to tell really.

Jim Have you done this kind of work before?

Sophie I cared for my mum and my dad. They both had dementia. So, yes.

Jim I don’t have dementia. Or Alzheimer’s.

Sophie (encouraging) That’s good.

Jim I have lower back pain. Arthritis in my knees. Bad hip. Oh, and gout. Apart from that I’m completely fine.

Sophie That’s nice.

Jim Oh – and congestive heart failure, which makes me a bit breathless sometimes. It’s hard to … do things.

Sophie I understand. That’s why you need me.

Jim Yes. (Cautious.) Or someone like you.

Sophie I see.

Jim I need help getting up, dressing, you know, putting on my shoes and socks, having a shower, that sort of thing … just helping, really.

Sophie All day?

Jim Well, morning and bedtime. And sometimes during the day.

Sophie No problem.

Jim I think I’m in pretty good shape for someone of my age.

Sophie How old are you?

Jim Over eighty. What do you charge?

Sophie Twelve quid an hour.

Jim Isn’t that a bit steep?

Sophie It’s very little. An agency would charge you twenty.

Jim But austerity and all that …

Sophie I know all about austerity, thank you?

Jim You understand economics?

Sophie I experience economics. I have trouble making ends meet.

Jim Perhaps you need to economise a little.

Sophie Poor people can’t afford to economise.

Jim I’m glad you didn’t say you understand economics because nobody does really. (Indicates ring finger.) I see you’re married. What does your husband do?

Sophie I haven’t got a husband.

Jim Oh. Divorced?

Sophie I’ve got a wife.

Jim Ah. How very … modern of you. So, why do you want to be a carer?

Sophie I don’t. A carer takes care of a family member for free, helps them shower, dress, eat. I would be what’s called a care worker.

Jim I see. Like sex worker?

Sophie (firm) No, nothing like.

Jim I just meant adding the word ‘worker’ sort of turns it into a job.

Sophie It’s a job whatever word you add. I thought you’d like to know the correct terminology as you’re the head of an academic institution.

Jim I just was asking why you want to do it.

Sophie I like caring for people. I’m good at it.

Jim But no qualifications of any sort?

Sophie I didn’t say that. I said I’m not a nurse or a social worker.

Jim So what do you have? GCSEs?

Sophie Yes. And a degree.

Jim Oh. Where from?

Sophie Oxford.

Jim Oxford? Really? Which college?

Sophie This college. I was in your second year’s intake.

Jim A degree from Hacker College! Wonderful! Did you love it here?

Sophie I hated it.

Jim (surprised) Why?

Sophie All the entitled public-school kids. I was very uncomfortable, I didn’t belong, I couldn’t breathe.

Jim That’s changing. They’re not all from public schools now. And there are lots of girls here now.

Sophie Yes, some women too.

Jim Oh yes, women, not girls, sorry. I can say women?

Sophie You can say women. There was nobody else here from a council estate in Tottenham.

Jim What a pity you didn’t enjoy it here. What did you read?

Sophie English.

Jim That explains why you’re just a carer. Care worker. Why you can’t get a decent job …

Sophie If that’s your opinion of this job, I don’t think I want it.

She stands up.

Jim No. Wait a minute. Sorry … I just meant, if you’d done computer studies, something useful, technological, that equips you for the modern world …

Sophie Studying English is not useful?

Jim No, no I just meant something with career prospects. What can you do with an English degree other than become a teacher? (Disparaging.) Or an academic.

Sophie And as master of a college you don’t think there’s any point in being an academic?

Jim That’s not what I meant either.

Sophie That’s why I hated it here. Education for its own sake isn’t valued any more. It’s all about jobs and targets, according to you lot.

Jim My lot?

Sophie Politicians. It doesn’t seem to make much difference which party’s in power.

Jim I agree. That’s why I sit on the cross benches now. And believe me, I’m sometimes pretty cross. (Chuckles at his own joke.) So, um, why do you want this job? Is it because I’m famous?

Sophie (amused) Certainly not.

Jim I used to be prime minister, you know.

Sophie I know. You were an important man once.

Jim (offended) Still am! Master of an Oxford college named after me.

Sophie We’ve met before, you know.

Jim Have we? I’m so sorry, I don’t remember.

Sophie I wouldn’t expect you to. You were the Master while I was here. I came to your freshers’ sherry party.

Jim How did you hear I needed someone?

Sophie Jeff said you needed a bit of help.

Jim Jeff?

Sophie One of the porters. You don’t know them by name?

Jim I’m not good at names any more.

She stands up and looks around.

Sophie This place is a bit – (She pulls a face.) Do you have a cleaner?

Jim She hasn’t been in. I’ve had the same one for four years, I paid her above the going rate, then suddenly she phones and says she can’t come in because her husband’s just been diagnosed with cancer. (Bitter.) That’s how she repays me.

Sophie Poor thing.

Jim But what about me? Look at the mess here!

Sophie...