Our Ladies of Perpetual Succour (eBook)

Chell This is fucking ridiculous.

Manda Six in the fucking morning and Condom’s not even here.

Fionnula Even if we win this fucking competition they’ll have us in a shitey hotel overnight like girls from last year.

Kylah Fionnula the cooler –

Orla – lives in a council house, bought with the money from her granda.

Manda The hotel didn’t even have bathrooms.

Chell Manda Tassy.

Kylah Mam fucked off.

Chell Lives with her da.

Fionnula Never shuts up about –

Manda – ma sister!

Chell Don’t panic – if we stick together there’s no ways we’ll even get to the second round …

Manda Chell MacDougal –

Kylah – lives up the Complex.

Chell I’ve had a lot of tragedy in ma family. We’ll be back on the fucking bus in time for some slow jigs and a quick sailor’s hornpipe in the Mantrap.

Orla Aye, but we’ll never get past that new bouncer.

Fionnula Orla McAlister –

Chell – from the villages.

Manda Diagnosed with cancer –

Kylah – but recently returned from Lourdes.

Manda I know, one of us could fuck him.

Kylah Manda, he’s from the island!

Fionnula Kylah McManus.

Manda Parents own their own house.

Chell Sings in a band.

Fionnula Cunt’s only on the door cos he couldnae get a chef’s job.

Chell Aye, he can only tell the ages of sheep.

Manda From behind.

Kay Morning, everybody!

Kylah Kay Clarke.

Fionnula Stuck up, sugar-wouldn’t-melt-in-her-mouth, off-to-university, goody-fucking-two-shoes.

Manda Oh, my God! Submarine!

Kylah There it is, I can see the conning tower!

Chell It’ll be heaving in the Mantrap the night.

Fionnula Fucking typical – the one night we’re in the capital.

Manda Ma sister says that when submariner-ers, right, get a cut or something, cos they’ve been away under water for so long, it doesn’t stop bleeding!

Fionnulla And apparently when they spunk their wank – it just keeps coming and coming. Till the whole fucking submarines drowning in jizz down there.

Chell Here lie one hundred brave sailors drowned in their own jizz.

Kylah Let’s just make sure we get back before the slow dances – we’ll be getting hurls around the bay.

Manda Aye but just remember Shuna MacLaughlin.

Kylah Shuna MacLaughlin didnae get pregnant off a submariner. It was one of those Pakistani lads off the van.

Orla Look, here she is the noo.

Shuna!

Shuna MacLaughlin (Kay) Hello there, girls.

All Hi, Shuna.

Shuna (Kay) Yous all off to the Finals then?

Orla Aye. Where you going?

Shuna (Kay) I’m up to the pre-natal at the Chest.

Manda At this time in the morn?

Shuna (Kay) Oh aye, it’s so ya get used to the idea of sleepless nights when the baby comes.

Manda The cunts, eh?

Shuna (Kay) Ah tell you, yous think pre-natal’s bad yous should see the fucking post-natal, ah swear on the Bible, three lassies from the villages come in a horse box pulled by their boyfriend’s tractor, three of them, there in the shite wi’ their little wee babies and all.

Chell That’ll be Dempster the Dumpster.

Shuna (Kay) They’ve got signs in the caff above the sugar bowls saying: NO TITTY DUNKING BY ORDER OF THE MANAGEMENT – cos the young mammies dunk the ends of their tits in so’s their bairns’ll sook away quiet and they can get on having a smoke and a good fucking ceilidh.

Chell Dinnae scum uz out.

Shuna (Kay) So how many is pregnant from your year?

Manda At least seven. Moira Greirson got hers off of Iain Dickinson.

Fionnula The dirty fucking spunker.

Orla The girls looked at Fionnula –

Kylah – who’d famously handjobbed ‘The Dick’ in front of Moira at the New Year dance.

Manda Is that a engagement ring, Shoon?

Shuna (Kay) Nah, it’s just a crappy nothing ring. For protection. The dads from the post-natal try and tap off with the pre-natal mams – so I go ‘I’m engaged to a big fucking cunt that’ll burst your faces for you’ so’s they leave me alone. Do you think yous’ll win?

Fionnula Fuck the singing, Shu, we’re just gonna go mental.

Chell Massive pub crawl –

Orla Check out the shops –

Manda And we’ll be back here for the slow dances at the Mantrap.

Fionnula And a couple of hurls roon the bay. Why don’t you come the night, Shuna?

Shuna (Kay) Ah cannie. Uhm skint. The government going on about us getting up the stick to get single mam’s allowance. They’ve got to be fucking joking. Anyways it was a member of the Her Majesty’s fucking Navy that got me in this state.

Orla Can I have a touch?

Shuna (Kay) Course, aye.

Fionnula Do you get lots of kicks?

Shuna (Kay) Oh … I tell you … it’s wild … See when you go to Mowat the butcher’s – ah go in to get ma mum’s mince – the mincer machine it makes the nee-nee noise and the wee thing starts booting away like billy-o.

Fionnula Come on girls, F sharp.

All Neeeeeeeeeeeee …

Chell It’s kicking.

Orla That’s sooo fucking gorgeous.

Fionnula Condom!

Kylah Sister...