Wonderland (eBook)

Spud Christ. I’m thirsty.

Fanny I’ve got a tongue as dry as Gandhi’s flip-flop.

Spud Give us your flask then.

Fanny I thought you’d brought yours.

Spud Do I look like I’m carrying a flask?

Fanny I left mine in lamp room.

Spud What’s it doing there?

Fanny (shrugs sheepishly) Lorraine said I’d lose my balls if they weren’t in a bag.

Spud Alright, let’s have a minute.

I wonder what weather’s doing.

Fanny Supposed to be sunny.

Spud I hope we get some.

Fanny We going for a pint?

Spud I’m meeting Christina.

Fanny She still married?

Spud Her husband’s away on ‘business’.

Fanny Guess so then.

Spud I’m going over to their house.

Fanny You’re not gonna give her one there, are you?

Spud Course not, I’m giving her three at least. Bounce her until her eyes cross.

Fanny I don’t agree with that: taking the jam out of another man’s sandwich.

Spud I’ll tell you something else, she’s got a waterbed.

Fanny A waterbed?

Spud She told me all about it on phone.

Fanny I don’t think I’d fancy that.

Spud Open your mind to the possibilities. I’m gonna get her doing some breast stroke.

Fanny I think I’d feel seasick.

Spud It’s not going to be like being on a ship, is it?

Fanny What’s it gonna be like then?

Spud Like being on a lily-pad.

Fanny Could be quite relaxing actually.

Spud Relaxation comes after … in the jacuzzi.

Fanny She’s got a jacuzzi?

Spud Christina’s a posh piece of skirt.

Fanny If she’s so posh then what she want with you?

Spud Some slack up her crack and coal in her hole.

Colonel What are you twos doing?

Spud Now?

Colonel Now.

Fanny Right now?

Spud Right fucking –

Fanny Nothing.

Spud Having a break.

Fanny I wouldn’t call it a break.

Spud A few moments to rehydrate as instructed by Nurse McKenzie.

Colonel Since when do you take orders from her?

Spud Not an order, just a suggestion from a concerned practitioner.

Colonel She’s not even a proper fucking nurse.

Fanny That’s no way to talk about Nurse McKenzie.

Spud (dreamily) I’d eat her whole damn child just to taste what it came out of. And I’ll tell you somert else, she’s got the hots for me.

Bobbo Give yer head a shake.

Colonel She’s just got engaged to Greenie.

Spud Yeah, but he’s an ugly cunt.

Fanny And his cock’s a funny shape.

Spud What there is of it.

Fanny Looks like a walnut whip.

Spud Nurse McKenzie deserves more out of life than a walnut whip! I’m telling you now, she may well be engaged but I’ve not written off the well-rehearsed sick-room scenario.

Fanny Oooh, hellooo, Mr Winters.

Spud Hello, Nurse McKenzie.

Fanny What can I do for you tayday?

Spud I’m not feeling very well, Nurse.

Fanny What are you doing at work then, when you should be tucked up in bed?

Spud The Colonel said I had to, Nurse.

Fanny (aghast) Oooh, that harsh man.

Spud Well, I wouldn’t like to criticise the Colonel …

Fanny No, no, you’re a very loyal worker. But I’ve had enough run-ins with that man myself to know he has an ego the size of Scotland and a heart just as cold.

You, however, have a wee temperature.

Spud And a sore throat.

Fanny Sit tight now while I make some notes.

But beneath the professional concern –

Spud I begin to detect something akin to desire.

Fanny A platonic hand on the shoulder –

Spud Left too long.

Fanny A prolonged glance –

Spud One too many. Enough to suggest …

Fanny Does it hurt anywhere?

Where does it hurt?

Spud Well … (Sheepishly.) Several places really.

Fanny I’m going tay have tay do a full examination. Please remove your trooosers!

Colonel Get these two goons back to work before they start resuscitating each other’s cocks.

Fanny I want a word with you first. Last night at Working Men’s Club.

Colonel What about it?

Fanny A new performer was on. Now we all like a bit of fun but this was below the belt.

Colonel Why, what happened?

Fanny I will not pay good money to sit there listening to swearing.

Spud Swearing?

Bobbo (disgusted) I don’t agree with that.

Fanny If they can’t get up there and do a nice clean routine then what’s it coming to?

Bobbo And they call themselves artists.

Fanny Filth it was.

Spud No need for it, is there?

Fanny I might as well have come to pit.

Colonel I bet you left, dint you?

Fanny Course I did. I’m not sitting through that with our Lorraine next to...