WHO AM I?

“Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable.

Be honest and transparent anyway.”

Mother Teresa

My obsession with boys started before I even realized it; I had crushes on boys as early as preschool. I used to chase them on the playground until the bell rang, but seemed I was never able to catch the ones I liked. What could possibly be engrained in a young girl’s head that would condition her to physically run after boys at that age?

In middle and high school, I fell for the relationship concept instead of falling for the boy. Do you know what happens when you fall for something that doesn’t catch you?

You crash.

This mindset followed me through my twenties before the universe finally put a stop to it. A resulting heartbreak is the crash and burn of emotion best remedied by ice cream, our closest friends, buckets of tears and in most cases, complete removal of the individual that is a source of that pain from our life. The wreckage is then either let go of or stored away in a compartment of our brains only to be brought out by the next person that coincidentally does something that triggers us of that traumatic time from the past…

***

My generation, “the millennials,” exists in a dating world the human race has never experienced before—a virtual one. Millions of potential bachelors and bachelorettes are available at our fingertips; yet somehow we are growing more disconnected than any generation before us. How could we have so much opportunity, yet be headed in the opposite direction of finding what we actually want? Has the integration of technology in our dating lives doomed us all in the arena of love forever? Are millennials so spoiled and lazy that we don’t know what it’s like to work for what we want? Let’s define a few things so we can start on the same page.

For starters—What is “dating?”

A date, according to Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary, is defined as a “romantic social arrangement.” Seems pretty straight forward, but one word can be broken down a bit further—

What, exactly, is “romantic?”

The dictionary has some very interesting input here, which I think is why there’s so much confusion as to what constitutes as a “date” in the first place. Romance is a noun described by emotion, love, and lack of basis in all things factual. Therefore by definition, romance and dating are literally both fairytale-esque things. “They” say romanticism is dead… so does that mean that only the dead seek romanticism? Why do we waste our youth trying to locate our “soulmate?” We are led to believe this “soulmate” will complete us. Why do we believe we are not whole in the first place?

Regardless of how you interpret the word “soulmate,” how are we supposed to find that person? With traditional methods of dating nearing extinction, is embarking on “dates” with strangers from the internet all it’s cracked up to be? Does it even work? Talking to strangers is a great way for us to get out of our comfort zone, which also happens to be when we grow and learn the most about ourselves. For years I was trying to find the right person in all the wrong ways and I hope that by sharing the stories that follow I can help other lonely people understand how to navigate the world of love and dating. Making mistakes is the most effective way to learn anything but hearing stories about them is more efficient.

Generally, we decide within the first few minutes of meeting someone if we are attracted to them, and when we are, it is merely human nature to want to get closer; though we must be aware of the intentions behind our interactions. If we want someone enough, we start trying too hard to be someone we are not—the person we think they want.

We can be so nervous about being ourselves that we aren’t! At no rate will we connect with anyone we’re attracted to if this is how our interactions go. How does an initial attraction result in a loving relationship? Is there a formula or equation for finding love?

What if we all really just want the same thing?

It is when we expect reciprocation that we are disappointed.

Even if we don’t get along with our parents or siblings or significant other all the time, most of us still choose to love them because love is bigger than that. We are led to believe through movies and television and stories that love should be romantic (remember, by definition this is an imaginary concept) and we’ll have a “happily ever after” once we “fall in love” with our “soulmate.” And maybe we do, I’m not sure. I’m still before the after, whatever that means.

Here’s another fun one—What does it mean to “fall in love,” and why would anyone even want to? Falling in general usually hurts. I certainly collected my fair share of scrapes and bruises throughout the years due to my behavior. The men who tripped me up taught me critical life lessons of human tendencies, the way we love and connect with each other, and plenty of other stuff completely unrelated to the topics of this book (such as how to shotgun a beer or throw a football).

Emotions make it difficult for us to understand and see “love” clearly when we are young. We use the word “love” in a couple different ways. Those who do not understand the concept often use them interchangeably. Love is easy to explain but I’m not going to outline it for you in the introduction.

First, I have to un-brainwash you.

We devalue the word “love” by using it for things—

Pizza. Chocolate. Wine. Coffee. Shopping. Travel…

We don’t actually love this stuff, we just like them a lot; maybe too much in some circumstances. We enjoy them because they make us feel good. The utter pleasure these things bring to us creates a unique emotional experience where gratification (a feeling of pleasure or satisfaction) that we equate to happiness (a state of being). This nostalgic, positive feeling we remember is why we continuously find ourselves consuming these things.

Imagine how much that nostalgic feeling comes into play during the dating process…

When a person hugs or kisses us, we then have a physical feeling to associate with them (in addition to the emotional one) which may be good, bad or even something in between. When we see them again or even think about them, that feeling may resurface to our consciousness and until we understand why we feel it and until we know what it means, we will misinterpret our own feelings.

In today’s society we are led to believe everybody loves sex—and I won’t lie to you, it can be pretty freaking amazing. Most people want it for the pleasure and connection, some of us even believe we need it, yet, few are getting it regularly, if at all. Once you understand it, it is extraordinarily easy to get (…though it may or may not be through means that are ethical and moral).

Many have tried to figure out what the perfect amount of sex is by observing others and collecting data on them instead of getting out there and figuring it out for themselves. We’ve all seen the statistics in books and articles, but they are trying to measure something that is simply immeasurable. Such results prove nothing other than what is currently “normal,” which is clearly not serving us as a species. Is following the crowd the best option? The primary reason we settle for normalcy is to avoid the judgement for being different. When we believe we are normal, we believe we fit in. How unfortunate is it that “normal” is what so many of us strive for?

Both sex itself or the absence of it can very easily destroy any relationship. Knowing this, how is it possible for there to be a universal “perfect amount?”

***

What is now this book started off as my personal journal. I am not good at talking about my feelings; I avoid them at all costs (chances are, you can relate). Reflecting on my past in this way forced me to overcome my fear of talking about my feelings by first acknowledging them to myself. No one wants to have a conversation about something they don’t understand, and I believe the primary reason people don’t talk about feelings is because we don’t fully understand our own. It’s much easier to sweep them under the rug and numb ourselves with other feelings (often induced by drugs). The problem then becomes that it’s going to be a mess under that dusty rug once you’re finally sober enough to clean what’s there.

Several people in my life suggested that I start a journal as a means of therapy and years went by before I actually listened to one of them. When I finally did, it progressed into the unloading of an entire decade of emotional baggage. To get all the stuff out of my head and into the form of written word helped me since I was too stubborn to seek outside help. Journaling enabled me to observe my problems from an entirely new perspective and provided me with the opportunity to evaluate my own thoughts for incongruencies so that I may address them accordingly.

The stories that follow are about completely made-up characters based on my interactions with wonderful people, and the perceived relations that transpired...