Breaking Through Betrayal (eBook)

    “When it is dark enough, you can see the stars.”

—Charles A. Beard

Introduction

This is a book about betrayal, a dark human experience that is uninvited, unwanted, and most commonly unexpected. It is a timeless, costly, and ever-reaching experience. Almost no one is exempt from its infectious fabric. Its historic infamous fibers weave their way back even as far as the Greek gods and goddesses. The Greeks’ rich elaborate myths, based on their pantheon, are filled with tales of deception: Zeus betraying Hera, Hera betraying Zeus, Zeus along with the aid of Poseidon casting Odysseus (from Homer’s Odyssey) out to a ten-year exile from his homeland for betraying them. The Greeks at once feared and revered their gods, never knowing how, when, where, or why their loyalties to them may be tested.

The timeless myths are just as relevant today as we read them and tap into the common emotional fabric of deception. Through the threads of time, we continue to see that even Jesus was not left unscathed by betrayal, not just by a vast army of Romans or, more personally, by his own people, but more intimately by one of his loyal disciples—Judas. Those of us who know the story are both sickened and moved by its outcome and implications. Sadly, most of us can relate to the story because we have come face to face with this cancerous emotion. It can rear its ugly head at any time, in any place, and with anyone. And if it doesn’t infect us, it is probably targeting someone we know or know of. There is no sanctuary from betrayal; it touches every aspect of our lives: spiritual, relational, political, environmental, behavioral, and the list goes on.

As I write this book, the word “betrayal” is being thrown around every day, on almost every news story. Populations in the United States and around the world face both internal and external injustices being waged against them by forces out of their control. Tragically, on a daily basis, the fallout from these betrayals is seen and heard in the lost visions of its peoples.

•“We were lied to by our leaders, again. Their abuse of power is unconscionable. We are not better off than before; things are much worse.”

•“No, you are the one who is disloyal. You need to stand by the decisions made. By not doing so, it shows others we are weak and vulnerable.”

This is not a book about who is right and who is wrong, but about the depth and prevalence of betrayal in our society and about its implications for us.

•“We don’t feel safe living here anymore. Who is going to stand with us? Who is going to help us?”

•“I don’t know who to trust anymore. I have always believed that we were a government for the people and by the people. But when I don’t believe that my voice or my vote matters, I don’t see much hope anymore. We have every right to feel betrayed. Where do we turn? Who can we believe?”

Political, social, and economic violations exemplify the vast scope of betrayal, those deep dark injustices and injuries rebuking all reasoning. Betrayal is an emotional state of being, commonly felt and yet uncommonly dealt with. When betrayal is expressed, it is heard and then in the whisper of a moment, it is dismissed. It is uncomfortable and unsettling; we are uneasy to confront it. But it swarms around us daily, not just in our political and financial lives, but in our personal, relational, and professional ones as well.

•“My husband was just diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer; how could this happen to me? We are so young!”

•“My dear friend’s son was killed in a tragic car accident over the weekend. I can’t make sense out of it; he was just beginning his life.”

•“My best friend went behind my back and started dating my boyfriend. How can I ever trust anyone?”

•“I gave this job the best ten years of my life, only to be looked over for the promotion—again!”

•“The justice system did it again! That ‘scum of the earth’ walked after assaulting more young children! I’ve lost all faith in our legal system.”

•“If he hits me one more time, I swear, I’ll leave. In the meantime, I’ll try to be a better wife, or maybe he will change.”

From the vast political arena to the personal scope of our relationships and encounters, betrayal penetrates through our barriers and boundaries. Sometimes, we don’t know what is festering within us or even what to name it. And even if we do name it, we don’t know what to do with it. What we do know is that it doesn’t just go away. We hold onto the darkness and the darkness holds onto us.

How this book came about

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) in the state of California. Although I have been treating clients since becoming an intern in 1998, it wasn’t until the fall of 2003 that the issue of betrayal really began to tug at me. I was practicing in a counseling center that had been established at a large church in my community. Over a period of two years, I counseled with a steady stream of clients (mostly women) who, even though they were working through their respective recovery programs, remained stuck. As their therapist, I felt frustrated that these intelligent, successful, dynamic women were debilitated, to varying degrees, by the rejection, violation, and abandonment of their unfaithful spouses. They could not fully climb out of their pits of betrayal. They were surviving, but certainly not thriving.

In the fall of 2005, I moved into private practice. In addition to my regular client load, I facilitated a codependency group. It was a closed group of women only, all of whom had experienced infidelity in their marriages and had been or were in the process of separation/divorce. During the six-month duration of the group as well as in the follow-up sessions, their anguish resurfaced time and time again.

•“How could he? Why would he choose her over his family?”

•“Don’t his children matter?”

•“I gave him everything—doesn’t that count for anything?”

•“I ‘now’ realize it was all a lie.”

•“And to make it worse, he blames me!”

•“I just want to hear him say he is sorry—or just explain why.”

Betrayal, betrayal, betrayal—the dark emotional presence penetrated the room like thick tule fog on a cold winter night. These remarkable women couldn’t get through it or past it. Betrayal remained the noose around their neck; at times, it choked them. It suffocated them. And because they couldn’t find peace or make sense out of their pain, they couldn’t fully heal. Thus, these women remained vulnerable, continuing to feel betrayed and even re-betrayed by their ex-spouses’ actions, words, and behaviors, or lack of them.

As their therapist/facilitator, I pulled out all the stops. In addition to the group process work, I gave them homework: journal assignments, grief work, anger management exercises, letters to write (to send or not), emotive-creative work—such as collages of themselves and their feelings (past and present and future)—“twelve-step” assignments (where appropriate), bibliotherapy and cinematherapy, and many other cognitive / behavioral tools that seemed timely and therapeutic. There was some degree of release and relief from the betrayal. It varied on an individual basis. Overall, I remained frustrated; they remained fragile and their spirits fragmented. The group concluded in the summer of 2006.

Throughout the ensuing year of July 2006–August 2007 of private practice, I continued to work with clients presenting a myriad of disorders. As an LMFT, I work under the umbrella of “relationship issues”. My areas of specialty include trauma/abuse (especially sexual abuse), mood and anxiety disorders, addiction and codependency issues, and spiritual and faith issues. Most of my practice is comprised of counseling individuals and couples; periodically, I work with families. Believing strongly in, and working from primarily a Cognitive Behavioral therapeutic approach (where the therapist functions in a coaching role), I have been privileged to witness clients embrace the therapeutic process and their treatment plan. And because clients were committed and worked hard, many experienced a change in their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Their relationships evolved into healthier ones; they experienced a well and more vibrant life.

At the same time, it was during this period of time that I witnessed, over and over again, clients plateau in their recovery. They reached a level of relief and well-being and then got stuck. In some cases, clients regressed and worked their way back. Others regressed and remained in their dark place.

I examined their respective treatment plans. I moved into therapeutic approaches of family-of-origin work, transference work, object-relations work, and tapped into Rogerian as well as Gestalt principles, where appropriate. I...