Grapevine (eBook)

Introduction

I sat in a room flooded with warm, natural light. There were delicate plants decorating the counter in the periphery of my gaze and piles of uplifting magazines to either side of me. Yet, somehow, it felt like the walls were caving in and an evil presence poisoned the air. Innocent and unaware, I was just 10-years-old sitting in the first waiting room of the many I would soon come to frequent. My parents and I sat in a row, the only ones in the room. I found some comfort in their presence but, though we were seemingly linked together in our stance, for some reason I felt we were all disconnected.

After some time had passed sitting in silence, a doctor came to escort us further into the facility. We were corralled into a smaller room with the same tan walls, but no windows, no pretty plants and much more serious pamphlets and pictures. There was definitely a tension in the air now. As the door shut and the space became confined, it felt as though we were all preparing to hear the most confidential secret the FBI had to offer.

But we weren’t at the FBI. We were at a clinic for eating disorders.

Earlier, I had gone through all the tests that new doctors seem to find necessary: constricting my arm to check my blood pressure, insisting I undress so they could measure and manipulate every inch of my body and poking me with needles to test every fluid meant to be contained within me. It was not long ago I had the exact same tests done. Why doctors couldn’t just send previous records to the next place was beyond me. It seemed everyone was out to torture me (I really hate needles, really really hate them). Though I felt the doctor sitting in the room with us was no exception, something was different. Instead of forceful and superior, they seemed wary of me.

All of the tests, questions, and judgment had previously been directed at me, but this conversation was avoidant.

“We think your daughter has an eating disorder.”

No eye contact, no explanations, and no questions for me.

“It’s not anorexia or bulimia, but it’s not normal.”

It was as if I was the opposite end of a magnet from this doctor, repelling their gaze, their discussion and their care. My mom was intensely focused. She was hooked on the doctor’s every word like this was the newest gospel. My dad was quiet, somewhere between listening intently and lost in his own thoughts. I was just confused.

What kind of doctor “thinks” something is wrong? And then can’t even give it a name? This didn’t seem like a very competent doctor to me and, in fact, I didn’t believe a word they said. I felt perfectly fine, looked perfectly fine and was perfectly fine brushing past these stupid accusations. I would need a lot more proof before I was going to believe there was anything I needed to worry about. Unfortunately for me, it didn’t matter what I thought or felt. And even if it did, I lacked the introspection at that age to put into words what I was feeling.

Just looking over at the seriousness spread across my mom’s face, I knew this was certainly not the last I’d be hearing about this mysterious, nameless disorder that was maybe there, maybe not. This was just the beginning. The beginning of my new reality.

I’m Alexa. Welcome to the story of my journey with an eating disorder. A little about me in 2024, when this book was published. I’m 24, a college graduate, a daughter to two supportive and loving parents, a sister to a very successful older brother, an animal lover and dog mom to my two pups whom I love deeply, a nature lover who loves to get out and camp, a goofball who loves to sing and doesn’t mind letting loose and acting every now and then. Most of all, I’m a woman who just wants to support her fellow humans on their journey to happiness and fullness. I’m so grateful you are taking the time to glance into my life, even if it is focusing on one of the hardest parts of it. No matter what reason you’ve picked up this book, I hope you are able to take something from it because my whole purpose in writing it, really, is to let my experience be of service to others.

Before I fully dive in, I want to take a little time to explain what exactly this diagnosis looked like for me. Eating disorders look so different from person to person, so I want to paint a picture of what this meant for me, especially now that I understand it a little more.

Many people think of anorexia and bulimia when they think about eating disorders, but my eating disorder didn’t fit the description for either of these diagnoses. The two main and visual concerns for my eating disorder were that I was not eating enough, and I ate very slowly. It would take me an hour or more to finish meals and, given the choice, my meal would be very small. I also had difficulties with textures of foods and a fear of choking. My preference was foods that were more liquid than solid in form (like ice cream, mashed potatoes, and applesauce), and those that weren’t I would chew and swish around in my mouth until they were juice before I could swallow them. It seems so simple to say it now but, wow, did these struggles rule my life for quite some time.

And this didn’t just affect my life, it affected people around me as well. Which leads me to something else you should know about this book. Because I believe multiple perspectives can help illuminate an experience, I’ve enlisted someone else to help me with this book.

Hi, I’m Michelle, Alexa’s mom. I’m in my mid-fifties and I wasn’t always interested in being a mom. Plans change. Before Alexa’s eating disorder entered our lives, we were a typically functioning family that experienced both joys and challenges. Our days were filled with shared moments of play with family and friends, engaging in games, outdoor activities, and enjoying family camping trips. Additionally, we found solace and community through fellowship at our church. Parenting presented its own set of difficulties, particularly as we navigated Nicolas’s (referred to as Nick in the rest of the book) speech challenges that surfaced at 18 months and eventually led to an Autism Spectrum Disorder diagnosis by the age of 3. Despite these early challenges, our family thrived on love and togetherness.

Through the challenges of parenting, I have come to realize that motherhood has taught me more about who I am than any other thing I’ve done. In fact, I wouldn’t have my own company doing personal and leadership development work if I hadn’t experienced raising my two amazing children.

Through the counseling we received, I came to understand and embrace the psychology of Alfred Adler. I use those principles in much of my work in the conservation community. I am a huge nature lover and say I like to connect people to themselves, to others and to the Earth. I also love camping. I have a seasonal RV site that I consider my sanctuary, which I now share with my loving partner.

We don’t have a perfect life, but we do have many moments of perfection. This book and some of the conversations around it have contributed to those moments of perfection. I am proud of both of my children, especially when embracing their overcoming stories.

Together, we are going to share our perspectives of what it was like going through the journey of battling and recovering from an eating disorder. Some parts will be written by me and some will be written by my mom, and we’ll both share some thoughts about what the other person has said. You’ll come to find that there are some moments in our stories that align, but there are also others that seem to contradict each other. While neither perspective may hold the entire truth, they do hold our individual truths. And we’re ok with leaving it at that. It’s a demonstration of human experience in its most raw and real forms.

We would also like to note that many other perspectives are not included in this book. Two main missing perspectives are those of my dad and my brother, Nick, who each played a huge part in our eating disorder journey and continue to be such valued parts of our lives. Other perspectives unrepresented include those of relatives, friends and our care team. Although these perspectives are not included to their fullest in this book, we want to acknowledge their existence and value.

I would also like to emphasize that I am writing my perspective from what I remember of my ten-year-old thoughts and feelings. I wanted to share honestly what my mindset was like at that time in hopes that it will help another young person better put into words what they are experiencing or help a parent gain perspective on what their child may be similarly going through when struggling with mental illness. I have since gained additional knowledge, awareness and skills that I also try to share a bit of towards the end of this book.

I occasionally journaled during that time but did not track every detail. So, some of my recollections are based on the journal and some are not. I’ve also done my best to recall these situations without embellishment.

As you read, we hope you’ll be as nonjudgmental as we were required to be with each other. These were difficult stories to tell. They are the truths we felt at that time. We acknowledged...