Mother's Hope Restored (eBook)

Chapter 4

Infusions of Hope

Anytime we feel hopeless in a situation, I believe it’s because we have taken our focus off of the One who can make all things happen for our good. Instead, we put our focus on the looming, and maybe seemingly impossible, challenge in front of us.

This is what I dealt with for a good part of two and a half years. Yes, you read that right. Almost one thousand days of ups and downs, but mostly downs. There was constant worry, constant anxiety, constant regrets.

Oh, I became really good at hiding them from most people. Especially people who I felt just wanted information on my family. Like I said before, my world was small. I couldn’t seem to get through most days without crying. I truly didn’t want to get out of bed, and if someone texted me or called me, it felt like they were intruding into my most private life.

In short, I was depressed.

What I had held on to for the future of my life as well as Abbie’s seemed impossible. Blown to kingdom come. Times of peace, friendship, and laughter seemed like pure fantasy.

I was so consumed by every decision my daughter made that it had completely taken over my life.

Then one day I was literally on my face, on the floor, crying in my room, because I wanted it to end. I wanted the mind control that I had given to the enemy to stop, but I had no idea how to make that happen.

I began repeating one word. The only word that came to my mind: “Jesus”. Over and over again, wailing like the grieving mother I was, and just saying His name. Then He came into my bedroom.

Yes, I know you may be thinking “Deanna, He is always there.” And this is true. However, this specific moment, I felt Him there. He didn’t speak. I didn’t see Him. I just knew He was there.

If you’ve been in a place of desperation, a place where no one and no thing could fix it for you, and you’ve called on Him, you know this Presence I speak of.

Jeremiah 33:3

“Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.”

The peace that He carries is incredible, but what I felt most was hope. Hope that things would not always hurt this bad. Hope that there would be a day when things would change. That day, when Jesus met me in my brokenness, I began little by little giving over parts of my life that I didn’t even realize I had been trying to control. They were the trees I mentioned in the previous chapter, along with every anxious moment that seemed to follow me throughout my day. I began to seek other mothers out who had gone through hard times with their children. Or mothers who were still in the hard times, but they were alive, and not just alive but thriving.

During this time as well, a friend sent a little book of prayers by Stormie Omartian titled The Power of Praying for Your Adult Children. I found the little prayers so enriching that I ordered the audio book and began listening. Every day my spirit soared with hope as I lifted up each of my children to the Lord. Every day, I chose to focus on what God said about my children instead of what I was looking at or what my situation was.

My husband also began to listen and made the commitment to me to pray together every single night for our children. What we began to see happen rocked us.

Our oldest son and his wife began to experience some much needed breakthroughs with their finances. Our middle child began to seek the Lord at a deeper level than we had seen before. And our Abbie, our sweet girl, began to experience in, some ways, issues that were harder but also necessary. Breakups with boyfriends, friends, drama at work, pressure from all sides. But this was all part of what God was doing in her life.

After praying together every single night for four months, we brought our daughter to ministry school across the country and left her in the hands of very capable leadership, and also a very capable God.

Over the next few months, we continued to see some patterns remain the same, but she was hearing and seeing truth every day. People were loving her for who she was.

And what was God doing in me? Teaching me to trust Him even more. Giving me scriptures to cling to, songs to declare, people to partner with.

Every step forward was a step into hope. Somedays things seriously looked exactly the same, or perhaps worse. But I was finding a grounding in the Lord that I never knew to even expect. I was finding that He meant it when He said we can go nowhere that He isn’t.

Psalm 139:8-9

“If I go up to heaven, you’re there! If I go down to the realm of the dead, you’re there too! If I fly with wings into the shining dawn, you’re there! If I fly into the radiant sunset, you’re there waiting!”

During this season, I chose to pay closer attention to moments that seemed to echo with sounds of hope. This is my own list but, maybe you will recognize them in your own struggle.

• Worship songs that caused my spirit to warm.
• Friends who didn’t jump onto the worry train with me, but instead met my concerns with prayers and stories of hope. Honestly, those friends were few and far between, which is one reason I was determined to write this book.
• Scriptures that would jump off the page and into my spirit, even if they seemed to be declaring the impossible.
• Dreams that would come and cause my mind to focus on a positive future.

There was a time when I woke up in the middle of the night while my husband slept soundly beside me. I couldn’t go back to sleep, which honestly happened often. This time, instead of walking down the road of “worst case scenarios” in my mind, I took my phone and went outside. I stood in my driveway and looked up at the stars seeming to be clearer than ever. Opening spotify, I pulled up a worship song that always caused my heart to beat fast. I listened. I sang with tears running down my face, and then I started declaring.

I declared who God was to me. I declared who God was to my children. I declared what He had already done, regardless of whether or not I could see it. Something shifted inside of me. Something caved. The small moments of hope that I had experienced before seemed to break like waves over me. I sat on my driveway and just let God be God. No matter what circumstances were saying. No matter what my ears were hearing and my eyes seeing. I let God be God.

It was one of the sweetest moments I’ve ever had with Him. I believe He was strengthening me for what was to come. Showing me how to give the worry to Him and speak faith.

Faith is not a feeling. It’s a choice. A choice to declare that you trust Him. His ways, His heart, and most of all in that moment, His timing. Many times, I think I am guilty of wanting to experience faith instead of choosing faith. I want to see faith instead of declaring what I don’t see. But that wouldn’t actually be faith, would it?

Hebrews 11:1 says that faith is being convinced of something I can’t see. This is truly nothing other than supernatural. And when your heart is burdened and breaking, this is a choice. There have been some specific scriptures that God has given to me. Many are not for this book yet, because I hold them closely. However, I will share that Psalm 139 became especially dear to me. Knowing that no matter where we are, no matter where our children are, this psalm declares we cannot hide from Him.

Maybe this would cause fear or anger in some people, but in my mama heart, when I didn’t know where my daughter was, or what she may be doing, I could cry out to Him, “Father, You know where she is. Please keep her safe. Don’t let harm come to her. Hold her close.” These words became a mantra before I would go to sleep.

I love The Passion Translation of this Psalm and have worked to put it to memory. Verse 5 in this translation says, “You’ve gone into my future to prepare the way, and in kindness, you follow behind me to spare me from my past. You have laid your hand on me!”

I would thank God that He was doing just this for Abbie. And then there were times, when I would picture her asleep and Him laying His hand on her. These are the things that brought hope for change. Hope for deliverance. Hope for her future and mine.

You may be like some people who would hear me talk and think or be so bold as to actually say, “Deanna, you spend too much time worrying over her. Deanna, you need to let it go and let her live her life.”

And as much as I understand what is being said and the heart behind it, when you are a mother, worrying seems to be a part of the job. And being told to let your child “go” when you know they are harming themselves is quite foolish and incomprehensible.

You feel it every moment of the day. The only relief I received was when I began to declare God’s plan, God’s Word, and God’s peace over her. And yes, most of the time this was and is still done out loud, and loudly.

To crawl out from under any burden isn’t easy. It isn’t something you just shake off. It’s something you must choose daily to do. It is something I had to begin to choose to do as well. I am...