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Your Manual for Perspective
Picture this: founding partner of a successful law firm, married with a loving wife, and proud father to our beautiful daughter—and still feeling lost. How come? And: What did I do to turn that feeling around? More importantly: What’s in it for you?
Though this book is not an autobiography, I need to describe my turnaround, because it will help you understand that I am not just teaching or preaching from behind the desk. I have insider knowledge on how to change a situation that does not feel fulfilling, either professionally or privately. Nowadays, I coach clients using that insider knowledge. My own experiences enable me to deeply relate to the challenges my clients face.
In this book, I present the method I used for my own transformation. It is a simple, 5-step action plan.
My transformation began in the summer of 2012, when a remark my wife made hit me right between the eyes. It shattered my sense of self-worth and launched us into a very uncertain future. I felt I had hit rock bottom.
Little did I know then that her words would change my life. Now, think: Is there an area in your professional and/or private life in which you do not feel happy? Or worse: terrible? Do you crave change in your own life? Do you need to progress but are stuck, like I was?
Check the list below. Ask yourself if there is anything that feels familiar. Do not hold back!
You deserve honesty, not only from other people but primarily from yourself.
Here we go:
• I have a fear of failure.
• I suffer from anxiety.
• I am afraid of success.
• I am not smart enough.
• I am feeling unworthy.
• I am not rich enough.
• I cannot get my point across at home or at work.
• What is my goal in life?
• That critical voice in my head keeps bothering me.
• I do not sleep well.
• I feel pressure in my chest.
• People are not listening to me.
• I do not feel appreciated.
• I am afraid of rejection.
• I will never find my true love.
• I am stressed out.
• I think I am experiencing burnout.
• I am just totally bored.
• I cry for no good reason.
• I shut down and do not know what to do.
• Sometimes I explode uncontrollably.
• I do not see the need to feel healthy again.
• I hate my freckles.
• I feel I do not have the necessary credentials.
• [Any other unhelpful emotional state you want to move away from, just fill in the blanks].
Can you relate? If so, there is a proven method to get rid of the shackles that hold you back. That method does not require you to spend months or even years on the sofa of a psychologist. It is a method that does not expect you to sacrifice a lot of valuable professional or family hours to make progress.
That method is: Follow the five simple yet strategic steps as set out in the next chapters of this book. Those steps will guide you through unknown territory. They are your M.A.P. to balance: your Manual to Acquire Perspective.
There is this saying: “The time to study the map, is before you enter the woods.” Before embarking upon a new journey, before cutting the ties that hold you back, you must do some homework. You will have to search your soul in order to find out what you really want your life to look like, what the steps are to get there, and how to silence that voice in your head that sums up each objection relating to what you feel and need.
That is precisely what this book has to offer. It contains a clear and concise roadmap that will guide you through the woods of uncertainty, unbalance, and even pain. As said, the steps worked for me. And the map works for the clients that I coach.
I found my M.A.P., thanks to the day I hit rock bottom.
The Day I Hit Rock Bottom
Had you been with me that summer of 2012, this is what you would have seen unfold.
I park my BMW X5 in front of our home, in an upper-class neighbourhood, somewhere in the Netherlands. I have had a busy day. As so often, I have worked long hours, defending captains of industry and people at the absolute top of Dutch society, managing my law firm in The Hague, and mentoring junior associates, many of whom go on to be the best of the best of the Dutch Criminal Defence Bar.
I am carrying two large briefcases: homework for the weekend, as usual. An ongoing major case needs immediate attention because a court hearing is scheduled for the upcoming Monday.
As I approach the kitchen door, my mouth waters with the smell of the dinner my wife has prepared. I enter the kitchen. She is sitting at the kitchen table, looking at me, looking at my briefcases: “Working this weekend, again?”
“Yes, indeed. The Court scheduled a hearing for this Monday. I really must study the case file. Otherwise, my client is lost.”
Tears are rolling down her cheeks. “Have you forgotten that we have tickets for the theatre? The show is tomorrow!”
“I’m so sorry,” I say, as I have said countless times before. “Maybe you can invite one of your friends to go with you?”
She explodes. “Your client may be lost?? I’m also lost!!! And you don’t give a fuck. You care more about your clients than about me. I can NOT handle it anymore. I will NOT accept it any longer. I want a divorce.”
It hit me right between the eyes. It took my breath away; every argument that I could think of felt stuck in my throat.
I was unsure about how to balance a very demanding job and family life. I was not satisfied any longer by the work in the great law firm I co-founded in 1992. I was not really feeling fulfilled being married to the woman who once was the girl of my dreams. Meaningful communication had evaporated.
I thought: “Indeed, I have forgotten all about normal family life.” But in that moment, I did not dare confess that I had failed dramatically in being the husband she deserved. Yes, not very heroic.
Can you relate? Did someone ever expose your flaws or even your dark side “spot on,” and did you only silently acknowledge the truth?
I had gotten stuck in my brain, which is a lawyer’s Pavlovian conditioned reflex when under attack. The next four months, I tried to find arguments to prove to myself that I just could not help having all these obligations I had, being the successful lawyer that I had become.
“It is what it is,” I made myself think. “I own a law firm, and I have a responsibility to work hard, provide top service, create billable hours, and pay our employees. She must understand this is how it works.”
She did not want to understand: “You are the boss; it’s your firm. You better get creative!”
I did not see a sustainable way out. I felt I was indispensable for my firm and my clients. I was so wrong! I thought I was particularly important for the juniors I had to train, coach, and mentor (a task that really juiced me up). I was so wrong.
It was the amazing coach Connie Osterholt who woke me up, starting in February 2013. She had me take a long, hard look in the mirror. It was confronting. How did Connie enter my life?
I Got a Coach
Winters are dark in Sweden. It was mid-November 2012, at 4p.m. Outside, it was pitch black, a reflection of my emotions at the time. I was alone, surrounded by unspoiled nature, staying—for one weekend only—in our traditional red wooden house that was being renovated. The chairs were upside down, protected by plastic. The smell of fresh paint seemed to affect my brain. My wife had stayed at home in our house in Holland.
My head was a mess. I had no focus, only diverging thoughts about an uncertain future. As luck had it, the internet worked. So I started surfing, at random. I needed distraction.
My eyes were caught by a site that offered a “Personality Test for Free.” Because I was busy trying to find out who I was and what I really stood for, I decided to take the test. That decision would change my future. I was soon to find out that Tony Robbins has this very accurate saying:
“It is in the moments of your decisions
that your destiny is shaped.”
The day after the test, my phone rang, and a man with an American accent said: “I saw you took the test on our website. Has it been helpful? We have many great products to offer. Highly beneficial for your personal growth!”
What a great marketeer that guy was! After some 10 minutes, I ended up buying myself a coach. That is how Connie entered my life. The marketeer told me she worked for Robbins Research International, and that Tony Robbins would soon be giving a seminar in London. At Unleash the Power Within— aka...