Chapter 1

1. Your Burning House

BE Brave. BE True. BE Discerning.

The Story of a Joyriding Teen

A couple came into my office on the heels of a crisis with their fifteen-year-old son. He was caught taking the car for a joyride with his friends in the middle of the night. They explained their frustration over the past year with his lack of care for himself, his schoolwork, and his family. His parents described him as disrespectful, self-involved, and oppositional.

He was recently caught dabbling in vaping and alcohol, and his parents expressed fear and anger over his most recent incident. When I asked what the consequence would be for his decision, they stared at me blankly for a moment. The husband then said they would be taking his phone away “because that is the only thing he cares about.” The wife rolled her eyes, looked at me, and said, “That’s all we’ve got. We cannot take much more. He is ruining our family and destroying our marriage. What else should we take away so that he knows we mean it?”

These parents are not unlike most parents. They are overwhelmed and out of ideas. When adolescence hits, many parents feel confused and conflicted about how to parent. They have come to me for help and guidance, but what they really, secretly want from me is a bottle of magic beans or a quick fix to get out of the pain and back into life.

Many parents resonate with the combined sense of desperation and apathy witnessed in this story. Being in a constant state of mixed emotions while trying to solve a problem with your teen is like trying to put out a house fire with a garden hose.

Imagine you are standing there watching your life burn up before your eyes. You are completely panicked and, in an effort to mitigate the damages, you frantically douse the nearest flames to keep them at bay. For a time, you are able to keep the flames from burning your feet, but you look up and see the house and surrounding forest fully engulfed. Completely panicked, you continue to put out the flames with your garden hose. You KNOW this is futile, yet you still keep trying. You don’t know what else to do, so you keep doing more of the same.

The parents in the story were doing just that. They knew taking the phone was inconsequential to effect change, yet they still did more of the same. Essentially, these exhausted, terrified, and well-meaning parents were asking me for a bigger hose.

As the parents sat before me, frantic for answers and full of fear and dread, I delivered some VERY bad news. “There is nothing I can do to help you. Nothing is going to get better. I promise,” I said.

Sometimes telling the truth can be painful. Oftentimes it does not solve the problem, but it does—if we are purposeful and intentional—lay the groundwork for change. The truth is, there is no point saving THIS burning house. If by some miracle we can put the flames out, is the structure worth saving? Should I encourage these parents to put their time and energy into saving the structure, knowing it is not strong enough to withstand the pressures it will endure?

A common truth about parenting is that we often get so attached to the structure, we are unable to see past the loss. However, we must learn how to let go in order to open ourselves to the possibility of a new, more pragmatic, and solid structure. When we feel untethered and out of control, we panic internally (and often subconsciously). We become reactive, and our fear of failure overrides our pragmatism. We lose sight of our original intention of becoming the most loving, connected, honoring, and inspiring people in the lives of our children.

There is a common saying that life begins at the edge of one’s comfort zone. I have come to love this phrase, as it means that with discomfort and risk comes the sweet victory of overcoming challenges and personal growth. While we may understand this intellectually, rarely do we apply this thinking to our parenting approach or family dynamic. What if we did? How might this philosophy apply to the family dynamic? What if we began to view the conflict, discomfort, and fear as an opportunity for growth and change? How might that change not only our perspective but the overall outcome?

Dealing with the Crisis Dynamic

In this chapter, we will discuss how the crisis dynamic affects you, your teen, and your family. While there are many negative consequences associated with living in chaos, there are substantial opportunities for identifying and developing actionable changes to shift the trajectory and establish new, more productive patterns of interaction. You will learn how to stop the cycle of chaos and shift into becoming a more balanced and intentional parent. The first step in the process is to understand how one’s personal story often (and inadvertently) dictates the parenting process.

Crisis Is a Double-Edged Sword

If you are like most people, you hear the word “crisis,” and your mind automatically goes to a negative place. Consider for a moment that a crisis is an opportunity. Like the aftermath of a fire, the aftermath of a crisis often leaves behind the fertile ground necessary to propagate lasting change. If you see the scenario through the lens of opportunity rather than desperation, you are bound to experience a different outcome. In many circumstances, the pain and suffering you must endure through the crisis is the very thing that can save you from yourself.

Early on in my career, I worked as a therapist in a crisis department. My job was to provide on-scene intervention to people in the midst of tragedy. I had the honor and responsibility of talking people off bridges, holding the hands of parents who experienced a child drowning, and sitting with suicidal individuals into the wee hours of the night until they could find any tangible reason to go on living. It was through these intensely intimate experiences that I was able to observe the delicate dance between hanging on and letting go, between ending and starting, and quite literally between life and death. I learned there is a sacred space between what makes a person decide to hang on to life or to let go. It is within this space that I have had the profound privilege of taking a hand and walking out of the fire into that fertile ground of possibility, one precious person at a time.

Suffering is highly valuable and a necessary ingredient in the dance of life. It’s how we learn to dance that makes all the difference. As humans, we naturally resist change—it’s been said we are creatures of habit. As creatures of habit, many of us have very little bandwidth for moving outside of what is comfortable and predictable. The problem with seeing things this way is that it limits our ability to look at life through a prism, as opposed to a single lens. If we can view the crisis as an opportunity to pause, align, course-correct, and try again, we will be in a better place to activate a plan.

Are You Putting Out the Flames with a Garden Hose?

If your family has been living in a state of crisis for a long time, it is easy to lose perspective. You have likely been dealing with escalating behaviors for so long, you have lost sight of how detrimental the interaction has become. At this point, the only way to course-correct is to take an alternative perspective and try to see the problem from a different point of view. When your family is in crisis, it is easy to become myopic or narrow in perspective and miss what is most important in the process.

A crisis is both an obstacle and an opportunity. It provides the format to see the situation from another vantage point and offers alternatives to doing more of the same. In fact, the opportunity inherent in the most current crisis is a chance to disrupt the pattern that is in place. Following a crisis, there is a small window in which even the most resistant teen will be open to change. However, it is often difficult to see the pattern when we are in it. That is why it is vital to get a broader, more accurate viewpoint and take action!

Like trying to put out a house fire with a garden hose, it can be overwhelming to identify what is most needed to get life back on track. Watching your family slowly unravel is a terrifying experience. Whenever possible, I recommend consulting with a trusted friend, family member, mentor, or counselor with the goal to help you identify your blind spots. Sometimes it is beneficial to seek the advice of a professional. Receiving an accurate appraisal is necessary to instigate lasting change, but it is often avoided.

Activating Change

Change does not happen right away. It begins at the granular level and vibrates out like the pattern a stone makes when it skips across a pond. The first step to change is awareness because, without it, change is not possible. Awareness is the wake-up call that precedes activation.

Activating change requires vision. In order for change to occur, we must first identify what we want to see differently. Behavioral modifications are active in nature, and initially, these...