Wonder Boy (NHB Modern Plays) (eBook)

1

Outside the Deputy Headteacher’s office.
After school.

ROSHI is waiting. SONNY enters.

His shirt is covered with splatters of blood.

SONNY I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I– (Trying to say the word ‘Is’.)

UGH!!

I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-IS THH THH-THH-THH-THH- this the De– (Trying to say the word ‘Deputy’.)

SONNY starts stammering a long repetition of the letter D.

ROSHI doesn’t hide her shock over SONNY’s stammer.

F-F-F-F-F-F-F-FORGET I-I-I-I-I-it!

SONNY runs away.

ROSHI. Come back!
I’m gonna hold my breath until yous come back and then when I die it’s gonna be your fault.

ROSHI holds her breath.

SONNY slowly returns.
Full of embarrassment, he looks to the floor.

SONNY. I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-Is-this the De–
D-D-D-DEPUTY H-H-H HEAD’S O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O- OFFICE?

ROSHI. Oh.
Yeah.
I’m starvin.
Yous got any food on yous?

SONNY shakes his head no.

Wanna know what I’d love?
Tomato ketchup.
It’s my thing

it defines me.
Like whenever I’m at a barbecue everyone always goes ‘Here goes Roshi with the ketchup, it’s her thing, it defines her.’

SONNY takes out a pad and pencil and begins to draw.
ROSHI tries to have a peek which makes SONNY uncomfortable.

I know yous don’t I?

SONNY desperately shakes his head no. She doesn’t know him. Nobody can know him.

Yeah I know yous! Yous lives on my estate? Yous always sit outside drawin.

SONNY. !!!

ROSHI. Oi yous lives on my estate!?

SONNY nods yes. He’s been caught out. Fuck.

And your mum’s like ‘Come on in’.

SONNY. S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-she’s nhh-nhhhhh-not mmm- my mum!

ROSHI. Well your not-mum then.

Didn’t I say I know yous? What block yous in?

SONNY. T-t-t-t-t-the one that r-r-reeks like –

(An involuntary pause on the word ‘piss’.)

P-p-p-p-p-piss.

ROSHI. Yous funny!

They all reek like piss!

Puddles of piss!

Pisstastic!

Urinal lot of trouble if yous live in our estate.

ROSHI laughs at her own pun.

Her laugh makes SONNY laugh.

SONNY opens his mouth but has an involuntary pause.

ROSHI doesn’t notice and speaks over him.

It’s gettin excrementally worse!!!!!!!!!!

SONNY. I-I-I-I-it’s been – (Trying to say his AMAZING pun ‘Shattered to faeces’.)

SHH-SHH-SHH-SHH-SHH-SHH-SHH–

UGH!

ROSHI is losing interest.

SONNY stops. He silently begs his mouth to be able to deliver this joke.

Please let it work. Please let it work. Please let it work.

I-I-I-I-it’s been SHH-SHH-SHH-SHH-SHH-SHH-SHH-SHH!!!

ROSHI. Hey is that blood!?

SONNY. Y-y-y– (He sighs and just nods instead.)

ROSHI. Cool!

Yous should let me pierce your ear. Yous look well cute with a piercin.

I tried to practise on my mum but she woke up.

SONNY. Whhhhh-whhh-why yous h-h-here?

ROSHI. Yous know Chantelle Green from Year 10 right?
Her dog went missing and she put up posters.
But I’m not sure yous really miss your dog if yous usin Comic Sans as the poster font.
So Chantelle Green from Year 10 bought five bags of Skittles from Costcutter.
I say to her ‘Chantelle Green from Year 10
did yous just buy five bags of Skittles from Costcutter?’

Chantelle Green from Year 10 says ‘Yeah I bought five bags of Skittles from Costcutter.’
I say ‘But what about your diabetes and shit?’
She laughs.
I say ‘Actually diabetes is a really serious thing. My dad has it and it’s well harsh!’
She’s panickin now.
Starts to run away.
Pissin herself she is,
cos she knows I’m behind her.
It’s literally like the stampede scene in The Lion King.
Don’t know why I even did it now.
I don’t even like Skittles.
Not-Alan from Year 7,
I thought his name was Alan but it’s not Alan but I don’t actually know what his name is.
But Not-Alan from Year 7 says Skittles got real fruit in them. vitamin D and shit.
Says they’re healthy for yous like bread and broccoli and soap.
But when someone disrespects your family yous gotta do somethin about it ain’t ya?
I goes ups to her.
Grabs hold of anythin I can!
PULL!
PULL!
PUUUUUUULL!
I tried to pull her hair out but I only got her extensions.
What’s that?
Can I keep it?

SONNY. Nhh-nhh-nothin!

ROSHI. Lemme seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

SONNY. P-P-PISS OFF!
G-G-G-G–

ROSHI. Mine now!

SONNY (desperately trying to say ‘Give’). GI-GI-GI–

ROSHI playfully runs around with SONNY’s book. For her, it’s the BEST GAME EVER.

For SONNY, this is torture.

ROSHI. What?
Captain Chatter!!!!!
What is this!!!?

WAINWRIGHT appears.

WAINWRIGHT. OI YOU HORMONAL DELINQUENT DICKHEADS, GET IN HERE!

SONNY snatches back his book.

SONNY and ROSHI enter Wainwright’s office.

Her office is full of loads of eccentric stuff like a Lego Millennium Falcon and a Pride flag.

Piles of paper are also stacked up.

ROSHI. Miss, is that your wife in that photo?

WAINWRIGHT. I’m not engaging in that small talk.
Roshi, what did you do this time?

ROSHI. Nothinnn Miss.

WAINWRIGHT. Well it says here
it said here
I just had it.
Why do people keep giving me more sheets of paper?
You pulled a girl’s hair out?

ROSHI. Nah only got her extensions.

WAINWRIGHT. Commiserations.
Better next luck time.
What about you New Boy?

SONNY. !!!

WAINWRIGHT. Twitchy boy, I’m talking to you.

SONNY. !!!

WAINWRIGHT. What’s your name?

SONNY. S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S–

ROSHI. Santa.

WAINWRIGHT. Shut up Roshi.
Take all the time you need.

SONNY. S-S-S-S-S–
M-my nhhh-name I-I-I-I-I-I-I-is –

An involuntary pause.

S-S-S-S-S-S–

AGHHHHHH!!

SONNY closes his eyes and clenches his fists.

M-MMMH-MMMH-MY NHHH-NHHH-NHHH-name I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-is –

SONNY gets stuck in an even longer loop of repeating the letter S.

It feels like this is going to last for ETERNITY.

SONNY looks to WAINWRIGHT pleadingly to ask permission to stop speaking.

WAINWRIGHT shakes her head no.

WAINWRIGHT. Everyone has a name and I’d love to hear yours.

SONNY. S-S-S-S-S-… S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-… S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-Sonny.

WAINWRIGHT. Thank you for telling me that. Sonny.
Right let’s see
Sonny, cutting to the chase here, your behaviour today was possibly psychopathic.
Do you want to talk me through what happened?

ROSHI. Seriously?

WAINWRIGHT. In your own time.
Take it away.
The floor is yours.

ROSHI. But he can’t –

WAINWRIGHT (to ROSHI). THE FLOOR IS NEVER YOURS. (To SONNY.) The floor is yours.

SONNY. This kid CO-CO-CO-comes up T-T-T-TO M-M-M-M- me –

WAINWRIGHT. So you stabbed him in the eye with a fork?

ROSHI. Shitttttt!!

SONNY. NHH-NHH-NHH-NHH-no n-N-N-no!
It WA-WA-WA-WA-wasn’t LHH-LHH-like that!

WAINWRIGHT....