Japan In Japan, we don’t just observe four seasons like you. We observe seventy-two – shichijuni koh – micro-seasons which describe subtle changes in the birds, insects, plants and weather for every five days of the year. The most important is sakura, the annual cherry blossom. Nothing better symbolises the fragility of our earthly miracle.

But every year, sakura happens earlier. Every year, the shichijuni koh change. The ancient certainties of our ancestors are in flux. And who among us can say they do not notice the same? Who among us can say with certainty that we are not to blame? I therefore urge everyone here in Japan’s oldest city, its ancient capital, city of ten thousand shrines, to focus on the task at hand.

Estrada (to Conference) Thank you, President Ohki. Distinguished delegates, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Kyoto, to the Third Conference of the Parties. COP3. And as well as the ten thousand people present here today, I would also like to welcome the seventy million others around the world with access to the World Wide Web.

The 1990s ‘dial-up’ tone sounds. The back wall is suddenly filled with live images of delegates at the conference, ending on Don watching from outside the Conference Hall who we see mouth the words –

Don What the fuck?

Estrada Who, thanks to the wonders of modern technology, can watch these negotiations live over the internet. For the first time, there is no hiding from the responsibilities we bear.

(To the image of Don.) The world, quite literally, is watching.

Over the next ten days, it will watch these talks lead to one destination: our final plenary session. For that session, I need a draft protocol. For that draft, I need your targets and timetables. So let’s not keep the world waiting!

He holds his gavel high in the air, dramatically. And then brings it crashing down on the table. COP3 has begun.

Agenda item one: the Rules of Procedure –

The Nokia ringtone sounds.

What is that? I recognise it …

(He hums along.)

Gran Vals. By Francisco Tarrega! Famous Spanish composer?

Secretariat It’s a Nokia, Raúl.

Estrada A Nokia …?

Secretariat A cellphone.

Estrada sees Saudi Arabia answer his phone.

Estrada Please could everyone switch off their cellphones?

Saudi Arabia hangs up and immediately raises their flag.

The Distinguished Delegate of Saudi Arabia?

Saudi Arabia What should we make, Mr Chairman, of the resolution passed by the United States Senate about our negotiations here in Kyoto?

Estrada The Distinguished Delegate of the USA.

USA That’s a great question. Our senate has told us they cannot ratify any protocol unless it also includes, in some way, participation by developing countries.

Consternation from delegates around the hall.

China Which the Distinguished Delegate knows we cannot agree to!

Saudi Arabia’s phone rings again.

Estrada Phones off!

Saudi Arabia hangs up and raises their flag.

Saudi Arabia And how did your Senate vote on this resolution?

USA Another great question.

Saudi Arabia Well?

USA Ninety-five to zero.

Tanzania Unanimously. They can’t agree on anything apart from destroying the world.

USA We have a number of proposals we would like to discuss.

Tanzania And we look forward to hearing them.

Saudi Arabia’s phone rings again.

Estrada Then let us adjourn for smaller negotiations. And we can find out what it means.

He gavels. Don steps into the space, addressing Estrada.

Don I’ll tell you what it means, Raúl. Let me really lay it out for you. You can say goodbye to unanimity. Your protocol’s dead before it’s even been born.

Estrada You shouldn’t be on the floor, Don.

Don That’s right. Your rule banning me from the conference floor.

Estrada Not just you. The rule applies to all NGOs. I’ve had the same conversation with Greenpeace.

Don And what do you call it again, your little rule?

Estrada I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Don Oh, come on. You think I don’t know?

Estrada I don’t.

Singer (entering) It’s the Don Pearlman Rule.

Don The Don Pearlman Rule. Truly, I’m honoured.

Singer He’s written you into UN history, Don.

Don Truly, I’m honoured. But there’ll be questions for you to answer after this. Freedom of speech questions.

Singer About how the UN, faced with arguments it doesn’t want to hear, simply bans them.

Don I mean, what is this, Chairman Raúl?

Singer It’s fucking China!

Don Not that it matters.

(Holding up his phone.) Me and my Nokia are with you everywhere you go.

Don gives one to Singer.

Estrada That was you.

Don The wonders of modern technology, eh, Raúl?

Estrada I was hoping for a good clean match here in Kyoto –

Don’s phone rings.

Don Sorry, gotta take this.

(Answering.) Shirley! How’s the hotel room?

Estrada and Singer exit. Shirley enters, speaking from their hotel room.

Shirley It’s not a room, Don, it’s a palace. You’re never doing travel arrangements again.

Don This is the big one. Didn’t want to risk anything on a shitty mattress.

Shirley It has a chandelier!

Don It’s famous, apparently. Old.

Shirley Probably why it doesn’t work.

Don What? Speak to concierge.

(Avoiding a camera.) Fuck off! He’s got cameras following me everywhere.

Shirley That’s weird. I think some guy was taking photos of me too.

Don Who? What’d he look like?

The line breaks.

Shirley? / Shirley?!

Shirley Don? Don? You’re breaking up …

The line goes dead.

Don Fuck.

He sees USA leaving the Conference Hall.

What’s the game plan?

USA sees the cameras, pulls Don close and away from them.

USA Targets are coming, Don. We have to be involved. Designing a protocol, not blocking.

Don What’s the point if the Senate won’t ratify?

USA Well, clearly they’ve fucked us, and now I’m going to have to get on my knees and beg the developing world. But if we can get some compromises from them on market mechanisms, we might stand a chance of getting it through the Senate.

Don Market mechanisms … You mean Emissions Trading?

USA Why ask if you already know?

Don I just love to hear you say it. We’re on the same side. I’m at your service, remember? Our country’s service.

Don holds out his hand. USA just smiles.

USA I’m going to be late for my meeting with the G77.

Don The Lions’ Den.

As she sets off, he stops her.

It’s that way. Good luck!

(To us.) But I get there first. She strolls into the most dangerous room at Conference where unbeknownst to her, I’ve been riling up the Big Cats. It doesn’t start well.