Tambo & Bones (NHB Modern Plays) (eBook)

PART ONE: A Fake-Ass Pasture

Enter TAMBO, a clown.

He enters with a large watering can.

He waters a fake-ass tree.

It don’t grow.

This irritates TAMBO.

Why won’t the fake-ass tree grow if you give it some real-ass water?

He waters the tree some more and the tree is like nah.

He scratches his head.

He sighs.

AN IDEA!

He goes offstage.

He comes back onstage with a real-ass chair.

It’s a real-ass chair because you can sit in it.

He puts the real-ass chair next to the fake-ass tree.

He uproots the fake-ass tree and puts it on top of the real-ass chair.

Ha! The short tree is now a tall tree.

TAMBO sits beneath the tree and looks around.

TAMBO pulls his hat over his eyes.

TAMBO rests his weary soul.

Enter BONES, a clown.

BONES (to the audience). Y’all got any quarters?

Y’all got any change to spare?

It’s for a good cause. I promise.

I gotta uh catch the bus so I can visit my young son, Zippy.

He in the hospital.

All I need is a quarter and I can bring him his birthday gift.

Incidentally, it’s also his birthday.

I just need one, or several quarters. From you.

(Fake-ass desperate.) A son can’t go fatherless on his birthday.

Cuz then he’ll grow up to hate himself.

You don’t want my son to hate himself.

Just give me some quarters so I can see my boy, Zippy.

My sweet sweet.

A deep breath.

(To the fake-ass heavens.) ZIPPY!

TAMBO awakens with a start!
His hat flies off his face.

TAMBO. Nigga! What is you doing?

BONES. I’m tryna get some quarters so I can see my boy Zippy. You know. Zippy. My seed. My sweet sweet ZIPPY!

TAMBO. Nigga who is Zippy?

BONES. Yo, man, shh, chill.
(The audience.) they watchin.

TAMBO. Like I give a fuck. You ain’t got no son. You ain’t got no family.
You got me.
Out here interrupting my nap n shit.

BONES. I’m tryna make a living.

TAMBO. AND THEY AIN’T GOT NO QUARTERS OUT HERE. They got them big ol’ fifty-pence pieces.

BONES. I ain’t got time to ask for no fifty-pence piece. (To the audience.) Y’ALL GOT ANY QUARTERS?

TAMBO. You want a quarter?

TAMBO walks to BONES and slaps a real-ass quarter onto the ground.

There.

BONES picks up the quarter.

BONES. Really Tambo? One quarter? You givin me one quarter?

TAMBO. Ain’t that what you wanted?

BONES. How Imma see my fake-ass son with one quarter?

TAMBO. Well whatchu want then?

BONES. I want everyone’s quarters. You just one person. There’s like two hundred and fifty1 quarters in this room. How many more quarters is two hundred and fifty from one? It’s at least two hundred!

TAMBO. You need to learn to be satisfied! I gave you my only quarter out of the generosity of my heart. So take yo one quarter and close yo one mouth.

BONES. I bet you wasn’t even asleep.

TAMBO. I bet I put my foot in yo booty you don’t stop talking.

BONES sees the ‘tree’.

BONES. The fuck is this?

TAMBO. It’s a tree.

BONES. Whatchu mean it’s a tree?

TAMBO. What it look like?

BONES. It look like a fake-ass tree on top of a real-ass chair.

TAMBO. I needed a tall tree to cast a long shadow so I could rest my weary soul beneath its soothing calm.

BONES. Well that don’t make it a tree.

TAMBO. It was a short tree and now it’s a tall tree. Photosynthesis my nigga.

TAMBO picks up the watering can.

I made it rain.
I made it grow.

BONES. That some fake-ass water too?

TAMBO splashes BONES.

TAMBO. SPLASH!

BONES. HEY!

TAMBO. It ain’t fake if I believe in it. And now Imma go rest my weary soul.

BONES. Just cuz the tree a little higher than it was don’t make it a better tree.

Matter fact, all you did is ruin a good chair.

Cuz now you can’t sit there

cuz it got a fake-ass tree in it

and I guess that makes it a fake-ass chair

cuz what the fuck you gon do with a chair

that you can’t sit in!

Tryna give me one quarter and tell me to be satisfied. Nigga!

TAMBO is fake asleep under his fake-ass tree.

I know you ain’t sleep neither.

TAMBO snores.

Where you get this quarter from?

TAMBO. Iohnno. I just checked my pocket and there it was.

BONES. It’s a nice quarter.

TAMBO. Yeah. Yeah it is.

BONES. Thank you.

TAMBO. Yeah.

BONES. How come we only got one quarter between the two of us?
I know there’s more out there.
But we only got the one?

TAMBO. How come you gotta question everything?

BONES. I just –

TAMBO. I tell you something’s a tree and you make it more than that.
I say here’s a quarter, and you like nah I need somebody else’s quarters.

BONES. I’m just pondering my purpose n shit.

TAMBO. You ain’t happy wit ya life as it is?

BONES. I read somewhere that happiness is just an illusion like sunlight.

TAMBO. Who taught you to read?

BONES. Iohnno, who taught you to speak?

TAMBO. I… wha… You too much.

BONES. I know.

Quiet.
TAMBO pulls his hat over his eyes.
BONES watches TAMBO sleep underneath his fake-ass tree.
BONES goes offstage and gets a real-ass chair.
He uproots another fake-ass tree and puts it on top of the real-ass chair.
The tree is now tall.
He rests beneath the fake-ass tall tree.

TAMBO. It’s nice, ain’t it?

BONES. It’s lovely.

A pause.
BONES tries to sleep.
He can’t.
He’s mad uncomfortable.
He shifts. He itches his toes.
He grunts.
He sits up!

AHA!

TAMBO awakens with a start!
His hat flies off his face.

BONES runs offstage.
He comes back and kicks his fake-ass tree off the chair.
He puts the real-ass chair center-stage.

He unsheathes
A real-ass KNIFE!

TAMBO. NIGGA! WHAT IS YOU DOING?!

BONES. I’m gettin my quarters.

TAMBO. How?!?!

BONES. Wit this knife! Duh!

TAMBO. You ain’t about to stab no one? I ain’t no snitch but I ain’t no accomplice to murder.

BONES. Nah look here. Imma put on a show! See, I tried to tell them a sad story. Appeal to they sense of Emily.

TAMBO. They sense of Emily?

BONES. They sense of Emily.

TAMBO. They sense of empathy?

BONES. Empathy, yeah! I tried to appeal to they sense of empathy.
But that ain’t work. Sooooooooo
Imma put on a different type of show.

He stretches in preparation for the show.

TAMBO. What type of show?

BONES. A thriller!

He ready.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! BETSIES AND BEAUREGARDS!
In today’s world, errybody got a story.
It’s overwhelming. How! The humanity! O!
Everywhere, someone appealing to yo sense of… Empathy!
A true story about my fake son does nothing for you.
But this! (The knife.)
Watch as I risk my real bones for your quarters!

He drops to his knees.

What do you get when you combine five fingers and a knife? Here we go!

He puts his hand flat on the chair.
HE SLAMS THE KNIFE INTO THE CHAIR!

A pause.
He begins to play a real game of Five-Finger Fillet.
Slowly. Slowly.
Slightly faster.

Eh! Eh?!

A bit faster but really not that impressive.

Ta-daah!
(He holds his hand out to the audience.) Quarters.

TAMBO.…That’s it?

BONES. Oh come on that was thrilling! I could’ve lost a pinky.
Or worse.
A thumb!

TAMBO. I seen that before, and seen it done better than you.

BONES. So?

TAMBO. So if other people done this before and done it better than you,
why would I give you a quarter for doing the same thing?
You not thinking like they think.

BONES. Oh shit. I see…

TAMBO. Now put that knife away so I can go / back to my nap –

BONES. I wasn’t going fast enough!
If I can go faster than everyone else like me –

TAMBO. That’s not what I’m sayin –

BONES goes faster.

BONES. Ta-daaaaaah!

Nothing.

Aight let me go left hand. This a competition right.

TAMBO. Bones you missing the point –