funny as hell (eBook)

Mad Comedy presents the ultimate collection of riotously funny new jokes. From America's top standup comics, these jokes are fresh from beer-soaked microphones of the hottest comedy clubs and are guaranteed to make you laugh out loud.The Discriminating PalateA man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "e;Give me your finest 19-year scotch."e;The bartender figures the man won't know the difference, so he decides to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "e;Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 19-year scotch."e; The bartender tries once more with a 10-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "e;Bartender, I don't want 10-year scotch like this filth. Give me 19-year scotch!"e; Impressed, the bartender gets the 19-year scotch from the top shelf. The man takes a sip and sighs, "e;Ah, now that's the good stuff."e; A disgusting, grimy, stinking old drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and slurs, "e;Hey, I think that's really amazing what you can do. Try this one."e; The man takes a sip and immediately spits it out on the bar and cries, "e;Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!"e; The drunk's eyes light up and he says, "e;Yeah, it is piss -- now tell me how old I am!"e;SensitivityThe clitoris has over 8,000 nerve endings.But it's still not as sensitive as a vegan on social media.The Surprise VisitorA man rings a doorbell and an eleven-year-old boy answers the door wearing a silk robe, smoking a blunt with a cloud of marijuana smoke swirling around his head, and with a glass of bourbon in one hand.Taken aback, the man asks, "e;Is your mom home?"e;"e;What do you think?"e; asks the boy.