Employee of the Month - Philip C

As usual at 3 PM, the office was abuzz with activity. Typists’ fingers tap-danced across keyboards, stringing together the word “profit.” Calculating accountants tapped on their calculators: adding, subtracting, and making use of every shady tax avoidance scheme that they could find in order to avoid parting with the aforementioned profit. And there was the sales team—the gods and goddesses who were gracious enough to share their office with mere mortals—cold called the customers and convinced them to part with their hard-earned money in exchange for the shit that they neither wanted nor needed.

And shit, it would be! Datadime specialized in selling useless crap that other companies would deem to be worthless and unsellable…although of course this was not the company’s official slogan. They would buy goods for dirt cheap, which had already failed elsewhere, give it a bit of spit and polish, rebrand it, and parade it in front of their customers as if it was the best thing since sliced bread. It didn’t matter whether they were shares in companies that were doomed to fail, faulty appliances, or cars in which too many drivers had died. As long as they were dirt cheap, Datadime would buy and resell the products.

Chief amongst the elite members of the sales force was Thomas Nelson Taylor—a blonde-haired, blue-eyed pretty boy who, thanks to negative integration, had unintentionally unified the rest of the office due to their shared hatred towards him. He was just too damned good! Thomas was currently engaged in a sales call with a very anxious elderly man named Geoffrey.

“Oh…I don’t know,” Geoffrey said, “It sounds so risky!”

“Risky! Geoff, mate, please! I can call you Geoff, can’t I?” Thomas asked.

“If you must,” Geoff replied, sounding every inch like a man who was already defeated.

“Well Geoff, if there’s a bright spot in the galaxy which is furthest from the planet risky, then it would be called…”

Thomas looked down at his prompt card, checking which shitty shares he was flogging this time.

“Belltec Innovative Industries,” he continued, “This is a company that’s going places, Geoff! You get on board now and you’re going to double…no, triple your investment by this time next year! It’s a steal!”

“I still don’t know. Do I really have to buy so many of them at once? It…it’s an awful lot to part with at once,” Geoffrey whimpered.

“Geoffrey, Geoffrey! Geoffster! You’ve got to play the long game! Stop thinking of it as parting with your money. It’s a sure-fire investment! I bought twice the number I’m currently offering to you just this morning! I’d buy more, but they’re capped at twenty per cent per customer,” Thomas explained.

“It’s a lot to scrape together,” Geoff replied.

“Surely you’ve got something saved away! An experienced man of the world like you must have something! I’m trying to do you a favor here! You seem like a nice guy, and I’d hate for you to miss out on such a great opportunity. If you hang up now without buying, only to see the shares triple in value…well, damn, Geoffrey! I can’t imagine how bad you’d feel at that moment!” Thomas argued.

Geoffrey sighed.

“Well…we do have a little nest egg stashed away…but we had planned on giving that to our grandson for a deposit on the house he wants,” Geoffrey replied.

Gotcha! Thomas thought.

“Yes, you could do that. Or you could invest it all in Belltec Innovative Industries, watch your shares skyrocket, and then buy your grandson the house outright,” Thomas replied temptingly.

“What makes you so sure that they’re going to be so successful?” Geoffrey asked him.

Thomas sighed, and then lowered his voice.

“Listen…Geoffrey, I wasn’t meant to tell anybody this, so you’ve got to swear to keep it to yourself, okay? I mean it…I could get into a shitload of trouble here if the word gets out,” Thomas said in a voice only a fraction above a whisper.

“Oh…okay, I promise,” Geoff agreed.

“Belltec Innovative Industries has just secured a lucrative…and I really mean lucrative…government contract. It’ll be announced officially in a month or two, which means everybody’s going to want a piece of the pie. The share prices will skyrocket, which is why now is the best time to get on board the gravy train, while they’re at a more affordable level,” he said.

Thomas could hear Geoffrey breathing heavily, his heart was undoubtedly pounding with excitement and anxiety. Thomas just hoped that he could seal the deal before Geoffrey had a heart attack.

“It does sound tempting…but I should probably talk it over with my wife first,” Geoffrey said.

Thomas made the sound of a whip being cracked.

“Excuse me?” Geoffrey said.

“Geoffrey, Geoffrey, Geoffrey! Really? You need to talk it over with your wife first? Do you ask for her permission to wipe your own behind after you use the lavatory? It’s your money, Geoffrey! Yours. And your lovely wife will respect you more if you put your foot down, be a man, and make this decision—not just for yourself but for your grandson’s future as well,” Thomas said.

“Very well…you have convinced me!” Geoffrey beamed, feeling elated by the opportunity presented to him and simultaneously relieved that this arduous call would soon be over.

“That’s great, Geoffrey! Just great,” Thomas happily replied with a smile on his lips.

“Now, I’ll just need to take down your account number and sort code.”

Another sucker’s born every day, Thomas thought.

As the end of the day neared, Datadime’s CEO Andrew Pougher played the sound of a siren over the speakers throughout the office. Thomas knew that this could only mean one thing: it was time for him to officially announce the Employee of the Month.

Sure enough…

“Goooood evening ladies and gentlemen! Thank you all for another merry month at Datadime!” he theatrically said, pausing for applause. The employees dutifully supplied it, albeit without a hint of enthusiasm. Andrew continued, “Now, as you all know, the Employee of the Month is not selected at random! No…it is calculated using our patent pending, P.R.P system—which takes into consideration both the speed and the quality of every single job that you all carry out as you beaver away for us. So, whether you’re selling, photocopying, or organizing files, it is all monitored and more importantly, valued,” he said.

Another pause. No applause this time—Andrew just wanted the gravitas of what he had said to sink in.

“So, I bet you are all wondering. Which of you has been the busiest beaver? Who will be crowned this month’s Employee of the Month and win not just a five-hundred-pound bonus but also a custom coffee mug with their name and face printed on it?”

He paused again, doing his best to build up the tension, no matter how futile it seemed to him.

“And the winner is…”

A drumroll sound-effect was heard.

“Thomas Lord Nelson Taylor!” Andrew Pougher excitedly announced.

The office was dead silent apart from the light flutter of applause from a few of Thomas’ colleagues who were standing near him.

“Just kidding!” Andrew Pougher said, “No, not about him being our Employee of the Month…he is that, but about him being a Lord. I wouldn’t want to cause any confusion. Anyway, Thomas…please go see your line-manager before you go home for the day, they will present you with your mug!”

Thomas’ line manager, Doug Onnit, was standing right beside him. He reached into one of his drawers, withdrew the cheap looking ceramic mug, and handed it to Thomas.

“There you go. Congratulations,” Dough said miserably.

Thomas took it from him and read the inscription. Thomas Nelson Taylor. Employee of the Month. February 2018.

“Aw, thanks, Doug! It means a lot. Really,” he replied.

Thomas nonchalantly handed the Employee of the Month mug back to his line manager.

“Do me a favor, will you Doug?” Thomas asked him.

“For you, anything,” Doug replied.

“Will you put this one with the others on your way out tonight?”

Doug sighed, taking the mug back from Thomas.

“Sure thing, Tom,” he agreed, “but aren’t you leaving now too?”

Thomas shook his head.

“No, not yet. I thought I’d get a few hours overtime in first,” Thomas said.

“It’s Friday night!” Doug said.

“And?”

“Nothing, I guess,” Doug muttered, “Just tell me one thing. What’s your secret?”

“I have many secrets,” Thomas replied...