Epicoene, Or the Silent Woman (eBook)

MOR: I will forgive him, rather than hear any more. I beseech you,

sir.

[ENTER DAW, INTRODUCING LADY HAUGHTY, CENTAURE, MAVIS,

AND TRUSTY.]

DAW: This way, madam.

MOR: O, the sea breaks in upon me! another flood! an inundation!

I shall be overwhelmed with noise. It beats already at my shores.

I feel an earthquake in my self for't.

DAW: 'Give you joy, mistress.

MOR: Has she servants too!

DAW: I have brought some ladies here to see and know you.

My lady Haughty--

[AS HE PRESENTS THEM SEVERALLY, EPI. KISSES THEM.]

this my lady Centaure--mistress Dol Mavis--mistress Trusty,

my lady Haughty's woman. Where's your husband? let's see him:

can he endure no noise? let me come to him.

MOR: What nomenclator is this!

TRUE: Sir John Daw, sir, your wife's servant, this.

MOR: A Daw, and her servant! O, 'tis decreed, 'tis decreed of me,

an she have such servants.

TRUE: Nay sir, you must kiss the ladies; you must not go away, now:

they come toward you to seek you out.

HAU: I'faith, master Morose, would you steal a marriage thus, in

the midst of so many friends, and not acquaint us? Well, I'll kiss

you, notwithstanding the justice of my quarrel: you shall give me

leave, mistress, to use a becoming familiarity with your husband.

EPI: Your ladyship does me an honour in it, to let me know he is

so worthy your favour: as you have done both him and me grace to

visit so unprepared a pair to entertain you.

MOR: Compliment! compliment!

EPI: But I must lay the burden of that upon my servant here.

HAU: It shall not need, mistress Morose, we will all bear, rather

than one shall be opprest.

MOR: I know it: and you will teach her the faculty, if she be to

learn it.

[WALKS ASIDE WHILE THE REST TALK APART.]

HAU: Is this the silent woman?

CEN: Nay, she has found her tongue since she was married, master

Truewit says.

HAU: O, master Truewit! 'save you. What kind of creature is your

bride here? she speaks, methinks!

TRUE: Yes, madam, believe it, she is a gentlewoman of very absolute

behaviour, and of a good race.

HAU: And Jack Daw told us she could not speak!

TRUE: So it was carried in plot, madam, to put her upon this old

fellow, by sir Dauphine, his nephew, and one or two more of us:

but she is a woman of an excellent assurance, and an extraordinary

happy wit and tongue. You shall see her make rare sport with Daw

ere night.

HAU: And he brought us to laugh at her!

TRUE: That falls out often, madam, that he that thinks himself

the master-wit, is the master-fool. I assure your ladyship, ye

cannot laugh at her.

HAU: No, we'll have her to the college: An she have wit, she

shall be one of us, shall she not Centaure? we'll make her a

collegiate.

CEN: Yes faith, madam, and mistress Mavis and she will set up a

side.

TRUE: Believe it, madam, and mistress Mavis she will sustain her

part.

MAV: I'll tell you that, when I have talk'd with her, and tried

her.

HAU: Use her very civilly, Mavis.

MAV: So I will, madam.

[WHISPERS HER.]

MOR: Blessed minute! that they would whisper thus ever!

[ASIDE.]

TRUE: In the mean time, madam, would but your ladyship help to vex

him a little: you know his disease, talk to him about the wedding

ceremonies, or call for your gloves, or--

HAU: Let me alone. Centaure, help me. Master bridegroom, where are

you?

MOR: O, it was too miraculously good to last!

[ASIDE.]

HAU: We see no ensigns of a wedding here; no character of a

bride-ale: where be our scarves and our gloves? I pray you, give

them us. Let us know your bride's colours, and yours at least.

CEN: Alas, madam, he has provided none.

MOR: Had I known your ladyship's painter, I would.

HAU: He has given it you, Centaure, i'faith. But do you hear,

master Morose? a jest will not absolve you in this manner. You

that have suck'd the milk of the court, and from thence have

been brought up to the very strong meats and wine, of it; been

a courtier from the biggen to the night-cap, as we may say, and

you to offend in such a high point of ceremony as this, and let

your nuptials want all marks of solemnity! How much plate have

you lost to-day, (if you had but regarded your profit,) what

gifts, what friends, through your mere rusticity!

MOR: Madam--

HAU: Pardon me, sir, I must insinuate your errors to you; no

gloves? no garters? no scarves? no epithalamium? no masque?

DAW: Yes, madam, I'll make an epithalamium, I promise my mistress;

I have begun it already: will you ladyship hear it?

HAU: Ay, good Jack Daw.

MOR: Will it please your ladyship command a chamber, and be private

with your friend? you shall have your choice of rooms to retire

to after: my whole house is yours. I know it hath been your

ladyship's errand into the city at other times, however now you

have been unhappily diverted upon me: but I shall be loth to

break any honourable custom of your ladyship's. And therefore, good

madam--

EPI: Come, you are a rude bridegroom, to entertain ladies of

honour in this fashion.

CEN: He is a rude groom indeed.

TRUE: By that light you deserve to be grafted, and have your horns

reach from one side of the island, to the other. Do not mistake me,

sir; I but speak this to give the ladies some heart again, not

for any malice to you.

MOR: Is this your bravo, ladies?

TRUE: As God [shall] help me, if you utter such another word,

I'll take mistress bride in, and begin to you in a very sad cup;

do you see? Go to, know your friends, and such as love you.

[ENTER CLERIMONT, FOLLOWED BY A NUMBER OF MUSICIANS.]

CLER: By your leave, ladies. Do you want any music? I have brought

you variety of noises. Play, sirs, all of you.

[ASIDE TO THE MUSICIANS, WHO STRIKE UP ALL TOGETHER.]

MOR: O, a plot, a plot, a plot, a plot, upon me! this day I shall

be their anvil to work on, they will grate me asunder. 'Tis worse

then the noise of a saw.

CLER: No, they are hair, rosin, and guts. I can give you the

receipt.

TRUE: Peace, boys!

CLER: Play! I say.

TRUE: Peace, rascals! You see who's your friend now, sir: take

courage, put on a martyr's resolution. Mock down all their

attemptings with patience: 'tis but a day, and I would suffer

heroically. Should an ass exceed me in fortitude? no. You betray

your infirmity with your hanging dull ears, and make them insult:

bear up bravely, and constantly.

[LA-FOOLE PASSES OVER THE STAGE AS A SEWER, FOLLOWED BY SERVANTS

CARRYING DISHES, AND MISTRESS OTTER.]

--Look you here, sir, what honour is done you unexpected, by your

nephew; a wedding-dinner come, and a knight-sewer before it, for

the more reputation: and fine mistress Otter, your neighbour, in

the rump, or tail of it.

MOR: Is that Gorgon, that Medusa come! hide me, hide me.

TRUE: I warrant you, sir, she will not transform you. Look upon

her with a good courage. Pray you entertain her, and conduct your

guests in. No!--Mistress bride, will you entreat in the ladies?

your bride-groom is so shame-faced, here.

EPI: Will it please your ladyship, madam?

HAU: With the benefit of your company, mistress.

EPI: Servant, pray you perform your duties.

DAW: And glad to be commanded, mistress.

CEN: How like you her wit, Mavis?

MAV: Very prettily, absolutely well.

MRS. OTT: 'Tis my place.

MAV: You shall pardon me, mistress Otter.

MRS. OTT: Why, I am a collegiate.

MAV: But not in ordinary.

MRS. OTT: But I am.

MAV: We'll dispute that within.

[EXEUNT LADIES.]

CLER: Would this had lasted a little longer.

TRUE: And that they had sent for the heralds.

[ENTER CAPTAIN OTTER.]

--Captain Otter! what news?

OTT: I have brought my bull, bear, and horse, in private, and

yonder are the trumpeters without, and the drum, gentlemen.

[THE DRUM AND TRUMPETS SOUND WITHIN.]

MOR: O, O, O!

OTT: And we will have a rouse in each of them, anon, for bold

Britons, i'faith.

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