Five Plays by Plautius in English and Latin (eBook)

ASINARIA, THE COMEDY OF ASSES

ARGVMENTVM

  ARGUMENT OF THE PLAY

 Amanti argento filio auxiliarier Sub imperio vivens volt senex uxorio. Itaque ob asinos relatum pretium Saureae Numerari iussit servolo Leonidae. Ad amicam id fertur. cedit noctem filius. Rivalis amens ob praereptam mulierem, Is rem omnem uxori per parasitum nuntiat. Accurrit uxor ac virum e lustris rapit.

 An old gentleman, whose wife is the head of the household, desires to give his son financial support in a love affair. He therefore had some money, brought to Saurea in payment for some asses, counted out to a certain rascally servant of his own, Leonida. This money goes to the young fellow's mistress, and he concedes his father an evening with her. A rival of his, beside himself at being deprived of the girl, sends word, by a parasite, to the old gentleman's wife, of the whole matter. In rushes the wife and drags her husband from the house of vice.

 PERSONAE

  DRAMATIS PERSONAE

  LIBANVS SERVVS, DEMAENETVS SENEX, ARGYRIPPVS ADVLESCENS, CLEARETA LENA, LEONIDA SERVVS, MERCATOR, PHILAENIVM MERETRIX, DIABOLVS ADVLESCENS, PARASITVS, ARTEMONA MATRONA.

  LIBANUS, slave of Demaenetus  . DEMAENETUS, an old gentleman of Athens  . ARGYRIPPUS, his son  . CLEARETA, a procuress  . LEONIDA, slave of Demaenetus  . A TRADER. PHILAENIUM, a courtesan, daughter of Cleareta  . DIABOLUS, a young gentleman of Athens  . A PARASITE. ARTEMONA, wife of Demaenetus  .

 Scene:--Athens. A street running in front of the houses   of Demaenetus and Cleareta: between the houses is a narrow   lane. 

 PROLOGVS

  PROLOGUE

  Hoc agite sultis, spectatores, nunciam, quae quidem mihi atque vobis res vertat bene gregique huic et dominis atque conductoribus. face nunciam tu, praeco, omnem auritum poplum.

  Kindly give us your entire attention now, spectators: I heartily hope it will result in benefit to me, also to you, and to this company and its managers, and to those that hire them. (turning to a herald) Herald, provide all this crowd with ears at once. (the herald proclaims silence)

  age nunc reside, cave modo ne gratiis. nunc quid processerim huc et quid mihi voluerim dicam: ut sciretis nomen huius fabulae; nam quod ad argumentum attinet, sane brevest.

  Enough enough! Sit down--and be sure you put that in your bill! (to audience) Now I shall say why I have come out before you here and what I wished: I have come to acquaint you with the name of this play. For as far as the plot is concerned, that is quite simple.

  nunc quod me dixi velle vobis dicere, dicam: huic nomen Graece Onagost fabulae;   10 Demophilus scripsit, Maccus vortit barbare; Asinariam volt esse, si per vos licet. inest lepos ludusque in hac comoedia, ridicula res est. date benigne operam mihi, ut vos, ut alias, pariter nunc Mars adiuvet.

  Now I shall say what I said I wished to say: the Greek name of this play is ONAGOS: Demophilus wrote it: Maccus translated it into a foreign tongue. He wishes to call it THE COMEDY OF ASSES, by your leave. It is a clever comedy, full of drollery and laughable situations. Do oblige me by being attentive, that now too, as in other days, Mars may be with you.

 ACTVS I

  ACT I

   ENTER Demaenetus  , FROM HIS HOUSE, BRINGING Libanus  .

  Lib. 

  Sicut tuom vis unicum gnatum tuae superesse vitae sospitem et superstitem, ita ted obtestor per senectutem tuam perque illam, quam tu metuis, uxorem tuam, si quid med erga hodie falsum dixeris, 20 ut tibi superstes uxor aetatem siet atque illa viva vivos ut pestem oppetas.

  (very solemnly) As you hope to have your only son survive hale and hearty, sir, when you're gone yourself, I implore you, sir, by your hoary hairs and by the one you dread, your wife, sir--if you tell me any lie to-day, may she outlast you by years and years, yes, sir, and you die a living death with her alive.

  Dem. 

  Per Dium Fidium quaeris: iurato mihi video necesse esse eloqui quidquid roges.[1] (24) proinde actutum istuc quid sit quod scire expetis (27) eloquere: ut ipse scibo, te faciam ut scias.

  (laughing) You beg me by the very God of Truth. Once under oath, I see I must tell you whatever you ask. Come then, quick! Let me hear what you wish to know, and so far as I know myself, I shall let you know.

  Lib. 

  Die obsecro hercle serio quod te rogem, cave mihi mendaci quicquam.

  For God's sake, sir, do please answer my question seriously! No lying to me, sir, mind that!

  Dem. 

  Quin tu ergo rogas?     30

  Then why not ask your question?

  Lib. 

  Num me illuc ducis, ubi lapis lapidem terit?

  (anxiously) You won't take me where stone rubs stone, sir?

  Dem. 

  Quid istuc est? aut ubi istuc est terrarum loci?[2] (32)

  What do you mean? Where in the world is that?

  Lib. 

  Apud fustitudinas, ferricrepinas insulas, (34) ubi vivos homines mortui incursant boves.

  There at the Clubbangian-Chainclangian Islands, sir, where dead oxen attack living men.

  Dem. 

  Modo pol percepi, Libane, quid istuc sit loci: ubi fit polenta, te fortasse dicere.

 (reflecting, then with a chuckle) Bless my soul! At last I get your meaning, Libanus--the barley mill[A]: I daresay that's the place you mention.

  [Footnote A: Where he might be beaten with ox-hide whips.]

  Lib. 

  Ah, neque hercle ego istuc dico nec dictum volo, teque obsecro hercle, ut quae locutu's despuas.

 (in grotesque terror) Oh Lord, no! I'm not mentioning that, and I don't want it mentioned, either, and for the love of heaven, sir, do spit away that word!

  Dem. 

  Fiat, geratur mos tibi.

 (spitting) All right. Anything to humour you.

  Lib. 

  Age, age usque excrea.  40

  Go on, sir, go on! Hawk it way up!

  Dem. 

  Etiamne?

 (spitting again) Will that do?

  Lib. 

  Age quaeso hercle usque ex penitis faucibus, etiam amplius.

  Go on, sir, for God's sake, way from the bottom of your gullet! (Demaenetus spits violently) Farther down still, sir!

  Dem. 

  Nam quo usque?

  Eh? How far?

  Lib. 

  Usque ad mortem volo.

 (half aside) To the door of death, I hope.

  Dem. 

  Cave sis malam rem.

 (angrily) Kindly look out, my man, look out!

  Lib. 

  Uxoris dico, non tuam.

 (hastily) Your wife's, sir, I mean, not yours.

  Dem. 

  Dono te ob istuc dictum, ut expers sis metu.

 (laughing) Never fear--for that remark I grant you immunity.

  Lib. 

  Di tibi dent quaecumque optes.

  And heaven grant you all your prayers, sir.

  Dem. 

  Redde operam mihi. cur hoc ego ex te quaeram? aut cur miniter tibi propterea quod me non scientem feceris? aut cur postremo filio suscenseam, patres ut faciunt ceteri?

  Now listen to me for a change. Why should I ask you about this? Or threaten you because you haven't informed me? Or for that matter, why should I fly into a rage at my son, as other fathers do?

  Lib. 

  Quid istuc novi est?    50 demiror quid sit et quo evadat sum in metu.

 (aside) Hm! What's this surprise? Wonder what it means! Where it will end is what scares me.

  Dem. 

  Equidem scio iam, filius quod amet meus istanc meretricem e proxumo Philaenium. estne hoc ut dico, Libane?

  As a matter of fact, I know...