Five Plays (eBook)

ACT TWO

(A sign reads DR. DOGS OFFICE – PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR. OPEN FOR BUSINESS. Dog looks at sign admiringly . He greets Franz who is seated in his bathrobe, a suitcase at his side Dog turns to audience.)

DOG

Consider the letter K. Once its only distinction was that it lay between J and L.

But no more. Franz took this ordinary letter, where one line goes up and the other down, as if not knowing which way to go, and made those lines menacing;

(With one arm up and one leg down, he begins to march the German goose step)

so that in their presence all of us are made to feel uneasy, and fearful that the worst is yet to come; that everything that can go wrong, will, and if you want to challenge the powers that be, lot’s of luck. How’s that for a legacy, huh! To have engraved on your tombstone, “He felt better after a bad nights sleep.” And for his contribution to our sleepless nights we’ve made him a regular household word.

(In high pitched matronly voice)

“Your interior decorator must have been Kafka, my dear!”

(FRANZ laughs)

When people can’t believe what’s happening to them, your name alone will be on their lips. “It’s right out of Kafka!”, they’ll cry as they’re gnashing their teeth and tearing their hair out of their heads. You, my dear, Franz, have made uncertainty a religion and fear a holy text. Can any other writer lay claim to so much devastation to our psyche?

(He points at Franz who makes gesture of denial. Calls out)

Next.

(He looks at his watch as Franz enters scene)

You’re on time. How did you manage that?

FRANZ

I’m never late, not any more. Living with Dora has cured me of my addiction to waiting. I used to have “the resignation of an ox” but now I’m as impatient as an eel. I can’t stand my poor health anymore. I’m eager to hear from Dora’s father giving us permission to get married. I encourage the sun to rise so it can smile on Dora’s face. And I almost looked forward to coming to your office.

DOG

Under my guidance, you will help yourself get well and make me rich and famous.

FRANZ

How’s business?

DOG

Terrible. I can’t even afford a couch. You’re my first paying client.

(Franz shows him empty pockets. Dog sighs)

I need customers like you, who never tire of talking about themselves and “their infinite sense of guilt”, so what do I get: Germans who’d rather blame everyone else.

FRANZ

They’ve developed a regular hate affair with my fellow Jews.

DOG

An affair that’s yet to be consummated.

FRANZ

Not like Franz and Herman, who still can’t keep our hands or our mouths off each other.

DOG

That should be how you feel about your mother.

FRANZ

She doesn’t exist. He swallowed her whole, like a snake, so all my erotic fantasies will have to take place with my father.

HERMAN

(Voice on loudspeaker)

Are you playing with yourself again, Franz? Come out before I break the door down.

FRANZ

For the first time in my life I feel ready to challenge him.

DOG

You’ve come to the right dog.

FRANZ

Psychiatry destroys literature but it may be good enough for people.

I can’t afford to lose this time.

DOG

Stretch out and start talking.

FRANZ

(FRANZ stands up; paces back and forth DOG sits on floor)

I’d like to make Dora pregnant, but how can I when I’m the one in labor. It’s not that I haven’t tried, but so far there’s nothing to show for it. Herman’s diluting my sperm, making it watery and ineffective.

(In confidential tone)

When I masturbated, which wasn’t that often, I’d think of a naked woman and what I wanted to do to her, and suddenly she’d turn into Herman with his bulging muscles, and he’d grab it, and hold it so tight that very little came out. And now he’s doing it again when I’m with Dora.

(His voice breaking)

I want to live now more than ever, but how can I, when I’m in a family way with my father and I don’t know how to abort him.

HERMAN

(Voice on loudspeaker)

One good shit and I’ll be out of your system.

FRANZ

(Long pause. He sits down alongside DOG)

I’d sit on the toilet seat for hours trying to flush him away, but either he wasn’t willing or I wasn’t ready to let him go. I am now. If only he was a fly, I’d know what to do with him.

(FRANZ’S eyes follow an imaginary fly. He claps his hands together as if squashing fly, continues to clap hands as DOG exits. FRANZ, hears a Hassidic melody being sung accompanied by hand clapping. RABBI DYMANT / HERMAN enters. We must not recognize him. His demeanor and speech patterns should be different than HERMAN’S. He sings the Hassidic melody and begins to dance, whirling around the floor and clapping his hands)

RABBI DYMANT / HERMAN

Come, dance. It’s the best way to bless the day.

(FRANZ indicates he doesn’t want to dance)

If you ever hope to be my son in law, you’ll have to raise both your voice and your feet to Blessed Be His Name.

(Pointing heavenwards)

Now pay attention and follow me.

(RABBI DYMANT dances around the floor singing)

FRANZ

(FRANZ joins him in dancing during following exchanges)

At the wedding you and I will dance the night away,

RABBI DYMANT / HERMAN

Did I say there’s to be a wedding?

FRANZ

Did you get my letters?

RABBI DYMANT / HERMAN

(RABBI DYMANT nods)

One would have been more than enough.

FRANZ

So you know I want your approval.

RABBI DYMANT / HERMAN

Don’t be in such a hurry. A cold bath every day will help reduce the swelling.

FRANZ

(Panting, he’s forced to stop)

I would like an answer as soon as possible.

RABBI DYMANT / HERMAN

So would I, but we’ll both have to be patient. I’m waiting for a ruling on your marriage, from the wonder Rabbi of Gerer.

FRANZ

But I want your agreement, you’re her father.

RABBI DYMANT / HERMAN

She inherited only her beautiful face from me; her brains came from somewhere else. She had everything in our little village, boys by the dozen, wanted to marry her. One of my finest students was madly in love with her, and it’s not easy to love the Torah and a woman at the same time. She could have been a scholar’s wife, so what does she do? She runs away and moves in with a man who has one foot in the grave.

FRANZ

She saved my life.

RABBI DYMANT / HERMAN

There’s not that much of you to save.

FRANZ

She’s teaching me Hebrew.

RABBI DYMANT / HERMAN

So how come you didn’t know it before?

FRANZ

We’ll name the first grandchild after you.

RABBI DYMANT / HERMAN

Coming from you, how good can it be?

FRANZ

When can we expect an answer from your Rabbi?

RABBI DYMANT / HERMAN

He doesn’t like to be rushed in these matters.

(Looking him up and down)

I can’t figure out what she sees in you. She could have done a lot better with a dumb and blind matchmaker. Do you at least pray every day?

FRANZ

‘Writing is my form of prayer.’

(Reaches into pocket and takes out sheet of paper)

I’ve just finished this story.

RABBI DYMANT / HERMAN

(Taking page and waving it)

For this you’ll be paid?

FRANZ

I haven’t made up my mind whether I want it published.

RABBI DYMANT / HERMAN

Why, are you ashamed of it?

(FRANZ shrugs. RABBI DYMANT looks at the paper quizzically)

Josephine, the mouse singer.

(FRANZ nods)

You should be ashamed. Mice are filthy. What have they got to sing about?

(FRANZ doesn’t respond. RABBI DYMANT looks to heaven)

Messiah, did you ever hear such a thing? You’d really better hurry.

(FRANZ, to make points, reaches into pocket and takes out bag of phylacteries and shows them to RABBI DYMANT)

Hah, where did you get phylacteries?

FRANZ

At a synagogue.

RABBI DYMANT / HERMAN

Aaha, you just made on me a small impression. Pray with these every morning and then, maybe you’ll hear good news from me.

(RABBI starts dancing. Motions for FRANZ to join him. He does and the RABBI watches him and exits dancing. DORA enters wearing a nightgown and looks at him)

DORA

Since when have you taken to dancing in the morning?

FRANZ

Since you came into my life.

DORA

Compliments in the morning are better than coffee. Now come back to bed, you can use the rest. It’s going to be a long and tiring day.

FRANZ

The thought of a few weeks away from you has put me in a panic.

DORA

You like being in a panic. Why else would you visit your father now?

FRANZ

If not now, when? I’m madly in love. I’m getting married momentarily, and I’m off to...