Spike Sorry.

Hilary What (about)?

Spike Were you praying?

Hilary Yes.

Spike Sorry if I came in at the wrong moment.

Hilary I was saying my prayers, I wasn’t putting in my dentures. (Accepting the mug.) Thanks.

Spike I’m glad you did that after, not before.

Hilary I feel the same way about what you’re wearing.

Spike You’re lovely. It was lovely. Afterwards, you said – muttered really, did you know? – you said, ‘Thank you.’ ‘Thank you’. I thought that was so … You don’t have to say thank you.

Hilary Actually, I wasn’t talking to you.

Spike Oh. Sorry.

So … so you, as it were, pray to God, then?

Hilary Yes.

Spike Do you pray every night?

Hilary Yes. Usually before I get into bed.

Spike Oh.

Does it work?

Hilary Yes.

Spike (interested) You find prayer works?

Hilary Yes.

Spike What, every time?

Hilary Yes. Every time I say my prayers I feel better.

Spike Oh, works, right. Psychological.

Hilary Wow, Spike, I never thought of that, missed it completely, shit, that explains it. (Wagging her hand in front of his face.) Hello, hello. When I clap my hands you will wake up and find you’re in bed with a student, wearing a negligee.

Spike Lucky me. Better than when? What do you pray for?

Hilary Forgiveness.

Spike Forgiveness? I thought it was me who should be doing that. What you need to pray for is getting into the Krohl Institute. How does God feel about your model of Nature–Nurture Convergence in Egoistic and Altruistic Parent–Offspring Behaviour? Does he think you’re on the right lines?

Hilary I tell you what, Spike, if I were up for a back-and-forth about God, I’d rather not have it with an arsehole. Where we were –

– was, you were supposed to be checking the maths for me.

Spike To tell you the truth, I feel a bit thrown now. I wasn’t expecting to deal with a rival hypothesis.

Hilary That’s not what I said. I’m not thrown by sharing an ancestor with a grunting chimpanzee – evolution by natural selection, bring it on – it’s only that millions of years later the chimp is still grunting and you’re using words like hypothesis, so I’m wondering if there’s something they left out. It’s nothing for you to be bothered by.

Spike (roused) If not me, who? I’m Darwin. I’m Mendel. I’m Crick and Watson. I stand for all the science that’s taught. We’ve scraped you clean of gibberish, we’ve taken you to bits and put you back together from the atoms upwards so you understand how you work and how everything around you works. We’ve accounted for every particle in the universe except for dark matter, and we’re working on that. And here you are on your knees to what? To who? You might as well pray to Peter Rabbit.

Hilary Explain consciousness.

Spike Apart from consciousness. (Silly voice.) ‘Explain consciousness.’ There’s no baby, there’s only bathwater. (Getting angrier.) I’ve got nothing personal against God, except the usual, but I expected better from you. When did your mind turn into a party balloon? You made it nearly to the end of the journey, give it a few more years and we’ll have gravity wrapped in with the other forces, and there’ll be nothing for science to do except collect new beetles – well, I don’t believe that entirely, in fact I’m so disgusted I’ve started talking bollocks.

Hilary Explain consciousness.

Spike Flame – finger – brain; brain – finger – ouch. Consciousness.

Hilary Brilliant. Now do sorrow.

You think you’ve done pain. If you wired me up you could track the signal, zip-zip. If you put my brain in a scanner you could locate the activity. Ping! Pain! Now do sorrow. How do I feel sorrow?

Spike Do you feel sorrow?

Hilary Yes.

Spike I’m making you sad?

Hilary Not everything is about you, Spike.

Spike Right.

Hilary Scaredy-cat! You can explain the mechanics. You should work in a garage. (Garage voice.) ‘It’s yer big end’s gone, mate. Does it hurt when I do this?’, and answer came there none, because it’s a bloody car!

I don’t go looking for an argument with science. Tell me my DNA is seventy per cent banana, and I think, well, fine, there are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy, Hilary. But with consciousness – with the mind–body problem – the God idea shoves itself to the front like a doctor at the scene of an accident, because when you come right down to it, the body is made of things, and things don’t have thoughts. Bananas aren’t thinking, ‘Hey, seven eights is fifty-six’, or ‘I’m not the king of Spain’, and when you take a banana to bits you can see why.

Spike Don’t publish till you hear back from the Krohl.

Hilary (persisting) Same with brains. The mind is extra.

Spike The human brain, for its size, is the most complex –

Hilary – object on the planet, in the galaxy, the universe – forget it, Spike, I’ve got the T-shirt. If organising enough components the right way is all it takes, maybe a thermostat is a kiddie-step towards being conscious –

Spike (Maybe.)

Hilary – which is what I’m reading. Did you say maybe?

Spike I don’t see anything obviously wrong with that.

Hilary You believe a thermostat has consciousness potential, but you find God a bit of a stretch?

Spike (tapping) Uh-huh, but you should stick with God – your way with an equation would need his collaboration.

Hilary That’s what you’re here for. God can only do so much. I put in for six research slots in industry, plus Imperial for the hell of it and the Krohl for sheer cheek, and only the Krohl has offered me an interview.

Spike The Krohl didn’t know about your maths.

Hilary I’m not even doing...