1 Anna Petrovna is playing chess with Nikolai.

Nikolai Any chance of a cigarette, mon ange?

Anna Take the lot if it means you won’t ask again.

What’s this? My annual check-up?

Nikolai It’s not your pulse I’m after. Wonderful hands. Like kissing swan’s down.

Anna Quarter past twelve.

Nikolai What are the chances of lunch?

Anna Not good. Chef got drunk to celebrate our return and he’s still flat out on the kitchen floor. No doubt our guests will be starving.

Nikolai Well, if I’m anything to go by.

Anna What are you doing? What’s the point of playing if you don’t think? Look, think, move. Frankly, the last thing you need is another meal. Look at you!

Nikolai I don’t understand you, Anna. A woman of your sensibility who’s not interested in food. A discerning stomach is as important in life as …

Anna Oh, not an aphorism, please!

Nikolai Why not?

Anna They’re banned. As are jokes. Especially yours. Does no one tell you? Your jokes aren’t funny.

Nikolai They go over your head.

Anna So. Is she coming today?

Nikolai Of course she’s coming. She promised. She gave her word.

Anna Tell me, I’m interested, where do you put Maria Grekova?

Nikolai Where do I put her?

Anna Yes. In the scale of things. Serious? Not serious?

Nikolai What can I say? I call on her every day. We talk. We walk in the woods. Is it boredom? Is it love? All I know is that come the afternoon I miss her. I miss her terribly.

Anna Love, then.

Nikolai Perhaps. She’s a nice girl.

Anna Oh yes, she’s nice all right. Does she still study chemistry?

Nikolai Yes.

Anna That pointy little nose: She’ll make an excellent scientist. Prim, proper and less humour than a dead horse. No, really. I like her. But I’m sorry for her, too.

Nikolai Why?

Anna Because I know you. You’ll get her excited, you’ll fill her head with nonsense, you’ll bend her backwards over the chaise longue, then suddenly you’ll stop and say. ‘Oh God, commitment.’

Nikolai Yes, but how do I decide what’s best? It’s a big decision.

Anna Well then, be sure to ask around. Whatever you do, Doctor, don’t rely on your own judgement. That’s the worst mistake you could make.

Nikolai She may not come anyway.

Anna Why not?

Nikolai Why do you think? Because Platonov’s coming. Misogyny on wheels. For some reason he’s decided she’s stupid. So he uses her for target practice.

Anna I haven’t seen him for six months. How is he?

Nikolai The schoolroom shutters were closed when I passed. On his own clock as always.

Anna Yes, but how is he? I’m longing to hear.

Nikolai I’m sure he’s fine. When is he anything but?

2 Porfiri Glagolyev and Sergei Voynitzev arrive, Porfiri already talking.

Porfiri Oh yes, Sergei Pavlovich, in our day we treated women as gods. We regarded them as superior beings.

Anna Hold on, how did that get there?

Nikolai You put it there yourself.

Anna You’re cheating.

Nikolai I’m not cheating.

Sergei What extraordinary days they must have been!

Porfiri Ah yes, ladies and gentlemen, the old days: they didn’t just seem better. They were better. Last year in Moscow I went to the opera. A young man in the audience began to cry. All around, people sniggered as though there must be something wrong. As though to have feelings were wrong! As though to be moved were wrong!

Sergei Ridiculous.

Porfiri When I was young, people were not ashamed. When you cried, you cried. When you laughed, you laughed.

Nikolai Old days, new days, dear God, who cares? Who cares?

Porfiri When you loved, you loved. When you hated, you hated.

Anna I can’t go on. Really! The smell of cheap scent is unbearable.

Nikolai Cheap? Very far from cheap, let me tell you.

Anna And I’d rather listen to what my dear neighbour Porfiri Glagolyev has to say.

Nikolai When she’s winning you can’t get rid of her. She starts losing and suddenly it’s ‘Porfiri Glagolyev!’ If you don’t come back at once, I shall claim victory.

Anna Claim! Claim!

Sergei, do your dear stepmother a favour, give that idiot three roubles.

Sergei Three?

Nikolai Isn’t this the way to live? Fleecing innocent women at games?

Anna So, Porfiri Semyonivich, it’s your view, is it, that women are superior beings? No doubt that means you enjoy great success with them?

Porfiri In women, Anna Petrovna, I discern all the virtues of the world.

Anna You discern them, yes. But are they there? You want women to be special and so you convince yourself that they are. But is it true?

Porfiri Anna Petrovna, one need only look at you.

Sergei He’s a romantic.

Anna Plainly.

Porfiri Is that such a bad thing?

Sergei I didn’t say it was.

Porfiri This is what you all want nowadays. To remove the illusion from life. To rob it of romance. Very well, take romance away, but what then do you put in its place?

Anna Knowledge.

Porfiri In fact, Platonov put this rather well. I remember he once said: ‘We have advanced in our attitude to women. But even advance turns out to be a kind of retreat.’

Nikolai Yes, well, that sounds like pure, unadulterated Platonov. What was he? Drunk?

Anna What do you think, my friend? What is your view of Platonov?

Porfiri Platonov, madam? Oh fascinating, of course. He’s a brilliant man. But he exemplifies the modern vagueness, the modern malaise. No point, no purpose.

Anna He’s kind. He’s decent. Underneath.

Porfiri Oh yes, underneath, we’re all kind, we’re all decent. It’s the surface that worries me.

3 Bugrov arrives, sweating profusely.

Nikolai And here comes our grocer friend, puffing like a steam train!

Bugrov Such heat, my friends! It must break soon.

Nikolai Everyone, please, the view from the high street: the heat will not last for ever. One day the heat will end.

Bugrov Thank you, Nikolai.

Nikolai On the contrary, thank you, Bugrov.

4 Platonov and Sasha arrive across the fields in Russian national dress.

Platonov Civilisation! At last! We have arrived at last!

Anna You’re a ruthless man, Platonov. To have made me wait so long.

Platonov It was not at my wish. Never at my wish.

Anna And Sasha! Dearest Sasha!

Sasha A pleasure to be here, Anna Petrovna.