Paige Everything you represent thrills me.

May I?

Your fee

It’s all in advance as we arranged.

There won’t be any tip

So I’m relying on you to serve with grace

In silence.

When the time comes

Could you put that on the table, please?

Lars I’ve got something on here

Paige (to the Waiter) In the middle

Lars Some sort of / crusty stuff. These should have been dry-cleaned

Paige The success of my evening depends upon you

Lars Why aren’t they dry-cleaned?

Paige I hope your instructions are clear

Lars I think it might be the cat

Paige Where?

Lars There, on the leg

It’s made a stain

Paige Well, it doesn’t show

Lars Maybe I should change them

Paige You always do this to me

Lars What?

Paige I am perfectly in control of the situation. You come in harassing me with your pathetic frets and I start to panic

Lars What about?

Paige The starter

Lars What’s wrong with it?

Paige They might not understand its subtlety

Lars Your starters are always fantastic. And even if they hate it you can tell them that the main will be well worth the wait

Paige I want the main to confound them

Lars I’m sure it will

Paige It’s already ruined by that friend of yours being a vegetarian

Lars Her name’s Wynne

Paige It’s ludicrous coming to dinner saying ‘I can’t eat anything that’s been alive!’ She should be eating granite because even the bunny food I’m serving up for her was once alive. It wasn’t sentient; it didn’t have a soul but it photosynthesised. Perhaps I’ll point that out

Lars That would make her feel welcome, wouldn’t it?

Paige (to the Waiter) We need drinks

I know this meal’s about your amazing brilliant success and everything, Lars, but it’s my statement. It’s my creation – like Frankenstein’s monster.

Food

It takes on a character

It looms

I’ve had sleepless nights.

Where is everyone? I said seven thirty!

Lars I expect they’ve got caught in the fog

Paige It’s so rude to be late

Lars It’s very foggy. I looked out of the window when

I was dressing and I could hardly see the pool house

Paige It shows a distinct apathy about coming, a real reluctance, as if they’d rather be in a Little Chef. They’re probably sick with dread. God, if I thought they were going to snub us, I’d kill myself

Lars What with?

Paige A gigantic pump-action shotgun

Lars What’s wrong with pills?

Paige You

Are

Lars You’re a tad overdressed, my love

There. The fog has safely spewed up our guests

Paige Let the waiter go

Lars I can get it

Paige It’s his job

Lars Did you get him from the usual place?

Paige No, I found him on the internet. He had his own website

Lars A waiter with a website?

Paige It was very well designed. I was intrigued by the wording

Lars What wording?

Paige It said let me hold your coat and snicker

Lars So you don’t know him?

Paige His references were excellent. He’s a man of experience

Wynne God, I’m so sorry; the fog is unbelievable! I had to cycle right down the middle of the road so I could see the white line

Lars Goodness

Wynne And I was really feeling watched, you know, as if there were eyes hidden in the mist, when this moron in a Saab zoomed by and sent me swerving right into one of those gryphon things on your gateposts

Lars You poor thing

Wynne Really knocked my knee

Lars Oh no

Wynne It’s so good to see you

Lars This is my wife, Paige

Wynne Paige, lovely to meet you

Paige Lars said you were bringing your other half

Lars Bob

Paige I’m terribly excited

Wynne Don’t be

Paige I adore politicians. The last one I met came to the door at election time. He was so persuasive I almost had his child

Wynne Um, he’s in the pub

Paige I’m sorry?

Wynne Bob

I’m afraid he’s not coming

Paige I’m devastated

He was vitally important to my interesting mix of guests

Wynne We’ve had a bit of a

We’ve just parted company

Lars Wynne, are you OK?

Wynne He’s been seeing someone behind my back

Lars Oh no

Wynne Her name’s Pam

Lars That’s awful

Wynne She’s a temp with a crush. It’s so tacky

Lars You poor thing

Wynne Don’t be nice to me or I’ll cry

Paige You didn’t think of phoning me?

Wynne Pardon?

Paige To tell me that Bob had a new girlfriend and wasn’t going to...