It was back in the dark days of Ulster

In a place forty minutes from Belfast.

United a country that prayed as they looked

Down the well that a wee girl had fell … fast.

It was cold and dank and dirty

A space you could not chuck a twig in’.

A poor wee mite half near dead with the fright.

It was then that we started diggin’

Diggin’, diggin’, diggin’ diggin’.

Aahdeldeedeldah.

(Ooh yeah)

Like those who’d gone before us

We picked up a shovel and then

Started digging as only the Irish

To bring back our Lally again.

The cry came up, ‘Come all ye men,’

In a way that would make your skin clammy.

‘Let’s get this young lassie out of a hole

And back to the arms of her mammy.’

It was cold and dank and dirty,

A space you could not chuck a twig in’.

The poor wee shite half near dead with the fright.

It was then that we started diggin’

Diggin’, diggin’, diggin’ diggin’.

Aahdeldeedeldah.

(Ooh yeah)

Like those who’d gone before us

We picked up a shovel and then

Started digging as only the Irish

To bring back the wee girl again.

Like those who’d gone before us

(Ooh yeah)

We picked up a shovel and then

(Ooh yeah)

Started digging as only the Irish

(Ooh yeah)

To bring back our Lally

To bring back our Lally

To bring back our Lally.

Diggin’, diggin’, diggin’

Diggin’, diggin’, diggin’

Diggin’, diggin’, diggin’

Diggin’, diggin’, diggin’

Diggin’, diggin’, diggin’

Diggin’, dig-gin’,

Aahdeldeedeldah.

(Ooh yeah)

Francis Have you anything else there … you might want to share … in yer bag?

Barnes (still at the munching.) Fuck off.

Francis All free, were they, from the bun-makin’ man?

Barnes Fuck off.

Francis I’m a martyr to an iced finger myself.

Barnes Are you hard of hearing? Are you normal deaf as well as tone deaf?

Francis There’s no need to be like that. I used to play on a cruise.

Barnes I used to go to school with you; do you remember me at all?

Francis (looking at him) Eh … aye, of course, definitely I do. (He doesn’t.)

Barnes What was this they called you …

Francis No they didn’t.

Barnes (starts to laugh) ‘Bungalow’. (Beat, laugh.) Fuckin’ nothin’ on top.

(Laughing, quietly.) ‘Bungalow’. (Stops laughing. Looks at him.) Noh, I don’t sing on cruises, I’m just an ordinary fellah. But I remember you.

Francis How’s it goin’, like, how’s it all –

Barnes Isn’t it funny and ironic now, the way things is wont to change … me on TV. A vital part of a globally watched rescue operation. Your destiny in my hands.

Francis – up at the dig?

Barnes You don’t remember the time, just off the top of your head … back in the day.

Francis Has he slipped … at all?

Barnes Fuckin’ sandwiches weren’t safe round you in them days neither.

Francis (pause, remembering) What? Noh. Me? Noh.

Barnes In fact, although not comin’ down with cleverality, you used to manage to steal my lunch. (Looks at him.) Oh aye, you were the lunch-break terrorist –

Francis Must be somebody else.

Barnes – Gerry Adams with a Dairylea.

Francis Doesn’t sound like –

Barnes ‘With a sandwich box in one hand, and a can o’ Lilt in the other.’

Francis Are ye sure.

Barnes My lunch that was made by the fair hand of my mother. Who died last year … of a stroke.

Funny. Wha? Me responsible for this whole rescue thing and me just an or-di-nary fellah. From yer past.

Francis A stroke? That’s … that’s … could you tell me … you couldn’t tell me … sir, how it’s goin’ up at the dig?

Barnes Why don’t you see for yourself? (Smiling.) Why don’t you take a dander on up?

Francis I can’t.

Barnes No. But you can steal food. Yer fuckin’ great at that.

Francis Look, I’m sorry for stealin’ yer sandwiches.

Barnes And you know why you can’t go up, don’t you? You …

Francis (quiet) We’re barred.

Barnes It’s not a pub.

Francis They won’t … let us up.

Barnes That’s right. And you know why that is, don’t you? Bungalow fuckin’ Bill.

Francis Because the town has … had the practicality to take it out of our hands.

Barnes And?

Francis And the community liaison officer had to step in and liaise –

Barnes – with them continuity stroke real IRA dissident boys who were proposing, among other things, the immediate attachment of your testicles to your forehead.

Francis (instinctively rubbing either area) Yeah …

Barnes But don’t worry. Not as if this is a volatile area or anything. Yous just provoke who ye’s like.

Francis Sorry.

Barnes Not as if we’re on a knife edge or anything. Ah, we were all fuckin’ bored wi’ not gettin’ blew up.

You’re very lucky. He hasn’t slipped. He’s fine.

Francis Some diggin’ though, wha? Some oul’ rock and all.

That’d be … hard alright, even with the big new fancy drill the town got.

Barnes Hard.

Francis Tough.

Barnes Are you tryin’ to be funny now! Is it the puns you’re at, you one-storey fuck?

Francis Noh. Noh. Sure I wouldn’t have the brain power. I was just wondering if you knew how long it would … (Beat.) I’m sorry about yer sandwiches. And yer ma. And … the very near recommencement of the conflict.

Barnes (tuts) We’ve to get through the granite, and even with the application of the newly acquired geo-pilot rotary steerable system – (Laughs.) Wasn’t it great that they got that?

Francis Brilliant! Now …

Barnes And so ironic like, the speed with which one was ultimately found.

Francis Super, now … !

Barnes Once they got rid of yous. (Beat.) Anyway, now that we’ve managed to procure the right equipment we’ve still a fair lock of feet to go through.

Francis And that would … take … ?

Two days … or three? Or even, or even … a bit longer? I mean … I bet …

Barnes You bet?

Francis (drops the hand) No … no … me? Bet nothin’ me.

Barnes Because I heard that there was a bit of oul’ bettin’ going on.

Francis Jesus. Noh. That’s … that’s …

Barnes Because if it was tryin’ to get inside information outta me, in order to say, place a wager, as the ordinary Joe in the street …

Francis Is yer name Joe.

Barnes I’d be under a definite obligation to reveal that to my media contacts …