Spanky Hey, where’d you get the wireless, Heck? Never seen you with that this morning …

Hector Had it planked down the bog … didn’t want ‘you-know-who’ to see it.

Spanky Does it work? Give’s a shot … (Grabs radio.) Where’s Luxembourg?

Hector Watch it, Spanky … you’ll break it! You can’t get Luxembourg … it’s not dark enough.

Spanky Aw … d’you need a dark wireless? I never knew that. Mebbe if we pull the aerial out a bit … (He does so. It comes away in his hand.)

Hector You swine, look what you’ve done!

Spanky Ach, that’s easy fixed …

Hector Give us it. (Twiddles knobs. Gets Terry Dene singing ‘A White Sport Coať.)

Spanky Good God, could you not’ve brung in a more modern wireless? That’s donkey’s out of date.

Hector I like it.

Spanky That’s ’cos you’re a tube, Hector.

Morning, Phil. You’re early the day … (Consults wrist-watch painted on wrist.) ’S only half-eleven.

Phil Anybody been looking for us?

Spanky Willie Curry was in ten minutes ago looking for that lemon-yellow you promised, but I told him you had diarrhoea and you’d take a big dish of it down to him later on.

Phil (changing into dustcoat) Who belongs to the jukebox?

Hector ’S mines …

Curry Ha … there you are, McCann. Where’ve you been this morning? Farrell there said you were unwell.

Phil Er … um … yes …

Curry C’mon, what was up with you?

Phil Er … touch of the … er … drawhaw.

Curry The what?

Phil Dee-oh-raw-ho … the skitters … it was very bad.

Curry Why didn’t you come to me earlier? I could’ve got Nurse to have a look at you …

Phil No … it’s not what you’d cry a ‘spectator sport’, Mr Curly …

Curry In future you report all illnesses to me … first thing. How I am I supposed to keep tabs on you lot if I don’t know where the devil you are?

Phil I was down the lavvies …

Curry You wouldn’t get much done down there …

Phil Oh, I wouldn’t say that, Mr Corrie.

Curry Godstruth, I don’t know … If I’d had you chaps out in Burma. Diarrhoea? There were men in my platoon fighting the Japanese with dysentry.

Spanky How did they fire it – from chip baskets?

Curry Less of your damned cheek, Farrell. A couple of years in the Forces would smarten your ideas up a bit … they’d soon have those silly duck’s-arse haircuts off you. And what’ve I told you about bringing that bloody contraption in, eh?

Spanky What contraption?

Curry How d’you expect to get any work done with that racket going on?

Spanky Pardon?

Curry Whoever owns this gadget can ask Mr Barton for it back.

I’ll be calling back in five minutes and if you bunch are still lounging about you’re for the high jump, understand? Now, get on with it … (Exits.)

Phil Chirpy this morning, eh?

Curry (popping head round the door) Five minutes! (Exits.)

Hector My bloody wireless! That was for my maw’s Christmas present.

Phil Bless my boater, did you catch that, Cherry? A yule-tide cadeau for the squirt’s mater and blow me if old Quelch ain’t went and confiscated the blighter!

Spanky Christ, Nugent, that’s torn it.

Phil Buck up, Pygmy Minimus … Cherry and I’ll think of something. Any ideas, Cherry, old chap?

Spanky How about a set of cufflinks?

Phil I’ll wager that beast Bunter had a fat finger in this …

Phil Yaroo!

Spanky Yeugh …

Jack Morning, you chaps. Just showing the new lad round the Design Room. This is our last stop …

Phil Natch. When’re you off, Jacky Boy?

Jack Alan Downie … George Farrell … known to the riff-raff as Spanky.

Spanky Watch it, Jack. Howdy, Archie?

Jack And this is Phil McCann …

Phil Hi, Andy …

Jack And last but by all means least … Hector.

Hector McKenzie … hello.

Jack This is the Slab Room, Alan … where the colours are ground and dished for the Designers … you saw the patterns out there. What the lads do, basically, is dole out a quantity of dry colour from those drums over there … Persian red, rose pink …

Phil … bile green …

Spanky … acne yellow …

Jack … dump it onto one of these marble slabs, add some gum arabic to prevent it flaking off the paper … do we have some gum arabic? Then it’s just a matter of grinding … (Demonstrates.) Bit of a diff from the studio, eh?

Spanky Why don’t you vamoose, Jacky Boy?

Phil Yeh, Plooky Chops … them boils of yours is highly smittal.

Jack I’m warning you, McCann …

Phil Keep away from me! Hector, fling us over the Dettol!

Jack Jealousy will get you nowhere, McCann … just because I’m on a desk.

Spanky It’s a bloody operating table you want to be on, Jack. That face … yeugh.

Phil You can put in for plastic surgery, you know … on the National Health.

Spanky Or a ‘pimplectomy’…

Phil It would only take about six months …

Spanky … and a team of surgeons …

Phil … with pliers.

Jack (to Alan) I’ve just got to dodge down the factory … have a look at a couple of ‘trials’ … shouldn’t be too long, (to Spanky and Phil) The boss would like you to show Alan what goes on in here … in the way of work. (to Alan) Don’t worry, you haven’t been condemned to spend the rest of the day here … I’ll have a word with Bobby Sinclair the colour consultant. He could take you through the dyeing process…

See you shortly …...