London Cousin – Not Annoying:

WHAT IS HAPPENING??

Ellie:

nothing

London Cousin – Not Annoying:

who do u love??

Ellie:

no 1

London Cousin – Not Annoying:

ELEANOR. Y R U TORTURING ME?

I can only guess my cousin’s reference to torture is the quasi-love-triangle I appear to have found myself in with my ex-boyfriend Ash – aka the boy in the yellow rain mac – and my bandmate Shawn – aka Dirty Blond – and the fact they’ve both asked me out, but I refuse to go out with either. And before you ask: I have no idea what a quasi-triangle looks like. I can only assume, a smaller triangle.

Ellie:

i choose me

Which, I’m not going to lie, isn’t exactly easy when you like both of them, but you’re not entirely sure how much you like yourself.

But here’s the thing about falling out of love/getting your heart broken: at some point, you have to get unbroken. You have to get back up and think about yourself. Work out who you are on your own. What you want on your own. You have to learn to like you. Love you.

London Cousin – Not Annoying:

what does that mean??

And what that means is …

Ellie:

 no romance

So, I am now officially entering my No-Romance Era, a strictly Self-Improvement Zone. Because therein lies my problem. Romance. Distracting myself with yellow rain macs and dirty blonds and missing the bigger picture. The future. Real stuff.

Ellie:

i need to focus on me

I check my reflection in the mirror and imagine myself metamorphosising into a mature, better version of me. A butterfly Ellie. An Ellie 2.0 who focuses on exams and family and friends. An Ellie who doesn’t have chin hair like her thousand-year-old granny.

Note to self: find tweezers. Also, find out how hairy caterpillars are when they become butterflies.

London Cousin – Not Annoying:

 it’s not a *terrible* idea

London Cousin – Not Annoying:

I give it 2 weeks

London Cousin – Not Annoying:

3 tops

I ignore her tone in the manner of a mature, better version of oneself, and throw my phone down on the bed, jumping spreadeagled behind it. Then I smash my head against the headboard – because unfortunately, butterfly Ellie does not have new and improved spatial awareness.

I rub my head for a minute then I turn over on my back and press play on my new favourite podcast, my pyjama-clad legs and white socks neatly crossed beneath me.

I will no longer be drawn into pointless childish romantic entanglements. I am Ellie 2.0. Fearless, formidable warrior of a new world.

Ooh, that sounds good. Must write it down.

I type the words into my Journal app and listen as the sound of Dr Jada’s American accent fills my room. It may be the twelfth time I’ve listened to this particular episode but it’s the sound of the words being said, sort of staccato and firm and unapologetic. Heartbreak is a pointless exercise. Just like that. Heartbreak. Is. A. Pointless. Exercise. It’s sort of rhythmic. And soothing. I listen to it like it’s a song. As though it’s lyrics I can memorise. Wisdom I can absorb.

Heartbreak.

Is.

A.

Pointless.

Exercise.

London Cousin – Not Annoying:

ru listening 2 that Jada person again??

How does she know? I sit up and eye the corner of my wardrobe suspiciously. Maybe there’s a hidden camera in there. I wouldn’t put it past my parents; a hangover from their Ellie Is In Need of Watching at All Times phase – or maybe Ellie’s Actual Hangover phase, which, I will admit, was not my finest hour. But all I can see in the vicinity of my wardrobe is clothes. And records. And books. And a bowl with some leftover ramen noodles from when Mum ‘cooked’ last night. Which makes it sightly tricky to spot a camera, or in fact anything I need, at any time I might actually need it.

London Cousin – Not Annoying:

u need 2 clean ur room

I slide my eyes from side to side.

Ellie:

where ru???

London Cousin – Not Annoying:

i. am. everywhere …

Ellie:

this feels like the start of a horror movie

Ellie:

where the brown girl dies 1st

Soon, a masked clown will come and kill me.

London Cousin – Not Annoying:

ur mum may kill u if u don’t clean ur room

Mum, dressed as a masked clown may kill me.

Ellie:

…

London Cousin – Not Annoying:

hrd her telling my mum u haven’t left ur room in a week …

London Cousin – Not Annoying:

it’s not the quasi-love-triangle is it??

But if she means the fact I was once in love with Ash Anderson, and now I am not in love with Ash Anderson, because he broke up with me on my birthday and had a weird inappropriate relationship with his best friend that he also used to date (ugh, Rebecca) then didn’t bother to visit me in the hospital when I almost died – then the answer is no. Or if she means the fact that after Ash and I broke up I kissed Shawn, and it may have felt like one of those fairy-tale kisses where space and time cease to exist and you are the only two people alive in the universe – then also, no.

These are just Things I Can’t Think About Right Now, because I’m focusing on becoming Ellie 2.0. Someone who thinks about things other than kissing, and what songs are playing in your head when you’re kissing, and has a firm grip of quadratic equations and the French perfect and pluperfect tense.

Ellie:

hav been revising!

Which Mum knows, because I’ve told her this, like, multiple, multiple times. It’s not my fault that every time I use the word ‘algebra’ she just switches off and goes on about how I need to have a shower and leave my room.

London Cousin – Not Annoying:

ru sure? because that kiss w dirty blond …

Exactly. Head-blown emoji. This is why my love life carries a triangular hazard warning sign.

Note to self: heartbreak is a pointless exercise. Heartbreak is like doing circuits around a running track, just, you know, because. So, it’s weird. In a bad way.

So, even if Ash did secretly drive my mum and granny back and forth to the hospital when my dad had a heart attack and he says he’s sorry, and he still loves me, and he’ll wait for me, It Doesn’t Matter. And even if Shawn says he likes me, and he’ll wait for me too, That Doesn’t Matter Either. Because as Dr Jada, Spotify’s number-one emotional well-being podcaster keeps reminding me, I need to focus on Me.

Ellie:

as previously discussed. i choose me.

London Cousin – Not Annoying:

i’d choose u 2

London Cousin – Not Annoying:

altho dirty blond would come a close 2nd

So, I’ve been trying to focus on finding my own path. Which in my case is paved with algebra and trying to understand whether Elizabeth had the pride and Mr Darcy had the prejudice, or Elizabeth had the prejudice and Mr Darcy had the pride – one of life’s most important and eternal questions.

London Cousin – Not Annoying:

time 2 think abt U snack

London Cousin – Not Annoying:

also me … can i borrow ur yellow top??

Stuff is happening in the world. Real stuff. Important stuff. Things that need my attention. Like my GCSEs and my dad recovering from heart surgery, my mum having a baby and my lovely but brutal granny (aka a brown, old-woman version of Jon Snow, Game of Thrones) currently living with us and obsessing over what we should all wear on Saturday to meet my aunt’s soon-to-be...