CHAPTER 1
Early Emotional Learning Is Foundational

Early on in our educational careers, we were new moms working in education—and working on ourselves. We realized that our parents, and generations prior, didn't do much for our emotional wellness; instead they tried to manage our behavior.

When we were kids, there was a lot of “Go to your room if you're crying.” There just wasn't support for emotional learning. It wasn't that our parents didn't want to support our emotional lives; they just didn't know they needed to.

Similarly, when we were in college learning to be educators, focus and importance were placed on being a good “classroom manager” and maintaining order among our students. The whole point of getting an education was to go to college to get a “good job,” which were the same jobs that had existed for decades: doctor, lawyer, teacher. The learning process was all focused on achievement and rewards (and on shame if we didn't achieve those rewards). We learned techniques like using red/yellow/green behavior charts or sending a student to the principal's office as standard practice. Although these techniques are effective in the short term, we now understand that they can disrupt and harm the emotional development of a child. It can lead to children developing negative beliefs about themselves that stay with them long after they have left their school years behind them. What works in the short term is not best for our children in the long term.

Today, in the educational world, there has been a shift. The role of educators isn't necessarily to just get kids ready with the skills and knowledge they need to achieve but to help kids learn to be well-rounded, stable people who can go out into the world and find professional, emotional, and social success. Innovation is changing career options at a rapid pace—many of the jobs our kids may end up doing don't even exist yet. The skills they need are less about writing in cursive and doing math in a certain way—it's becoming more about navigating problem-solving, having a growth mindset, and being resilient.

Similarly, there has been a generational shift from equating “good behavior” with “good parenting.” We are now raising our children in a more conscious way. We want to break old patterns by encouraging communication rather than punishment. This is not easy work, and takes a lot of effort, but the payoff is well worth it for everyone.

Having a child can really turn your world upside down. No matter how many siblings you have, kids you babysat, or books you read, adding another human being to your family will take some adjusting. When you have a child, it is a unique moment when you have the opportunity to reflect on life itself. You are naturally seeing yourself in new roles, reflecting on your own experiences in childhood, your parents, and your current situation. Life is inviting you into a new phase, and for those who jump in, excited to learn to be the best parent possible, you have an opportunity to grow and heal yourself right alongside your child. By reflecting on your own experience and trying to accept and support your child, you have an approach to interrupting the patterns that you experienced, giving your child the chance to grow up with increased emotional awareness.

Even as a well-educated, emotionally aware parent, you can easily fall into the trap of repeating patterns from your past. Particularly when you feel overwhelmed, finding the energy to address rather than punish or control a behavior can feel impossible. We know because we've been there. Stay the course and remember that your work can change your child's emotional life for the better.

I wouldn't be so passionate about sharing what I know as a family therapist if I didn't believe in everyone's capacity to change and grow at any moment in their lives. I've seen it happen with so many of my clients, families, and friends as they enter the parenting journey.

—Kelly

Improving your approach to emotional regulation can have far-reaching impacts. As a parent, you can truly support positive changes in the world through your relationships with your children. Those relationships begin with educating your child about their emotions so that they can learn from them. You don't want to “control” their emotions; instead, they should meet them with curiosity so they can be felt, expressed, and understood.

In this chapter, you will learn about the building blocks of the Connect-to-Grow approach so you can put emotional learning at the center of your experience.

THE MAGIC OF THE CONNECT-TO-GROW APPROACH

We know this approach works because we have personally seen and felt the magic that happens when we meaningfully connect and engage with our children routinely. We've also seen the benefits of this approach in the schools as educators with countless families over the years.

In simple words, Connect-to-Grow helps you meet your child's need to feel seen and heard. Sounds easy, right? Even taking just five minutes of intentional time with your child regularly leads to immeasurable benefits to the emotional health of your child. And those benefits may be felt immediately.

Regardless of what you have read or studied, becoming a parent shows us that knowledge and lived experience are very different things. Nothing quite prepares you for the highs and lows of the journey of parenting. You can read all the books in the months before the baby arrives. You can take all the classes. You might have younger siblings or worked as a nanny. But there's a major difference between knowing what you're supposed to do as a parent and actually doing it.

Through my studies, I felt confident about becoming a parent because I had learned so much about family systems and therapeutic practices. When I actually became a parent, I realized that just because I knew what I should do, it didn't mean that I could actually do it in reality. Parenting smacked me in the face, saying “Nope! Just because you understand something doesn't mean that you're going to be able to do it any better than anybody else ever has.”

—Kelly

You can't fake your way through parenting. Your child is so attuned to you that they will feel and notice your emotional state, probably more than you would think possible. From an evolutionary perspective, a child's attachment to you is the way they survive. A child needs to be loved and connected to you in order to ensure their care. Because they are wired to connect on this deep level, whatever you are feeling internally can be and often subtly is felt by your child.

Once you understand and incorporate our approach with your child, you will see the magic is you. You have the power to make a meaningful impact for good in your child's formative years.

We hope that this roadmap will help you feel more confident and successful as a parent. When you start to see emotional maturity reflected back at you through your child, it makes the journey worthwhile. Imagine hearing your child reminding you that of course it's OK to make mistakes and that you are always lovable when you make mistakes. We will share some of our own examples of moments like this in Part 2, “Putting It into Practice.”

WHERE DOES CONNECT-TO-GROW COME FROM?

As a teacher and as a school therapist, our expertise as educators lies in the therapeutic and social-emotional aspects of learning; we know that students won't be able to absorb new skills if they are not first emotionally regulated. Therapists are trained to support children and adults in not only identifying their emotions but knowing what those emotions suggest about their needs. Everyone wants to feel purpose in their life, and many times it is by understanding ourselves better that we find our path to meaningful experiences in adulthood. Understanding ourselves starts with investigating what lies beneath our emotions.

We approach things a bit differently. We have seen our peers grow up, go out into the world, and achieve—and yet their success isn't complete if they don't feel seen. Having a PhD or a high-paying job doesn't necessarily lead to happiness.

We want to set our kids up in a better way. We don't just want to help your children develop these skills so that they'll grow up to be a good scientist or a good mathematician (although those things are obviously useful!). Instead, we think that emotional fluency is essential because it is your emotional world that paints your reality—how you view yourself in the world, how you view other people, and how you experience your full life. We give you a peek inside your child's emotional world, affirmations to help them develop a positive self-image, and actionable tips to help you support them at any age.

Connect-to-Grow goes beyond social-emotional learning by using everyday parenting situations and experiences to provide the awareness and structure around the formation of core beliefs, which are our deeply held understandings of the world around us. (We'll dive into those in Chapter 3, “Expanding on Core Beliefs.”)

Our perspective is that children and caregivers often have what they need already inside of them. We've examined the research on how our brain works...