All Feelings Welcome

Kelly Oriard is a mother of two and holds a dual Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and School Counseling. Callie Christensen is a mother of three and holds a Master’s degree in Teaching with endorsements in Elementary Education and Special Education.

Preface xix

How Slumberkins Was Born xxi

Acknowledgments xxv

Introduction xxvii

Part One The Theory Behind the Connect-to-Grow Approach 1

One Early Emotional Learning Is Foundational 3

The Magic of the Connect-to-Grow Approach 7

Where Does Connect-to-Grow Come From? 8

All Feelings Are Welcome 11

Two Stages of Emotional Development 13

Attachment Relationships 15

What’s Happening in Each Stage and How Our Emotional World Is Shaped 23

Stage 1: Can I Trust the World? 26

Stage 2: Is It OK to Be Me? 31

Stage 3: Is It OK for Me to Try New Things? 34

Stage 4: What Can I Bring to the World? 36

Three Expanding on Core Beliefs 39

Personality Types 44

Why Core Beliefs Are So Important 50

Core Belief Stages 53

Using Core Beliefs to Find Our Inner Voice 56

Four Connect-to-Grow: Breaking Down the Approach 59

Connect 63

Connection to Self for Parents 63

Connection to Self for Kids 65

Connection Between Parent and Child 66

Repair: Returning to Connection 68

Reflect 71

Mirroring and Reflecting: Supporting Your Child’s Feelings, Responses, and Actions 71

What Does Reflection Look Like for Little and Big Kids? 72

Self-Reflection and Modeling 74

Try Modeling Your Own Feelings 76

Practice 77

How Affirmations Support Core Beliefs and the Inner Voice 78

Affirmations That You Can Start Using Today 80

Grow 85

Incorporating Connect-to-Grow in Your Daily Life 86

Before You Start Part 2 . . . 90

Part Two Putting It into Practice 93

Five The Connect-to-Grow Approach in Practice 95

CALM Moments 98

Meet the Characters 101

Six Routines 109

Why Routines Are So Important 112

Routines Through the Ages 112

Proactively Setting Up Routines and Structure 115

Supporting Emerging Independence 117

Affirmation 117

The Bedtime Routine: Implementing Structure and Tools to Support the Process 117

Your Child’s Need for Sleep 119

Affirmation 121

Parent Reflection Moment: Routines 121

Things to Remember 122

Slumberkins Character Connection: Sloth 122

Seven Building Connections 123

Why Connections Are So Important 125

How Children Learn to Connect 126

Proactively Promoting a Sense of Belonging and Building Connections 129

Examples of Healthy Bonding 130

Family Bonding Opportunities 130

Affirmation 131

Recognizing If Your Child Is Struggling 132

Affirmation 133

Parent Reflection Moment: Building Connections 134

Things to Remember 135

Slumberkins Character Connection: Otter 135

Eight Mindfulness 137

Why Mindfulness Is So Important 139

Nurturing Mindfulness in Children 140

Affirmation 143

Using Mindfulness for Stress/Anxiety 143

Supporting Overstimulation and Dysregulation 144

Affirmation 147

Parent Reflection Moment: Mindfulness 148

Things to Remember 149

Slumberkins Character Connection: Yeti 149

Nine Emotional Courage 151

Embracing Emotional Courage 153

Proactively Building Emotional Courage 157

Modeling Emotional Courage 158

Affirmation 159

Supporting a Highly Sensitive or Deeply Feeling Child 159

Affirmation 161

Parent Reflection Moment: Emotional Courage 162

Things to Remember 163

Slumberkins Character Connection: Ibex 163

Ten Gratitude 165

Embracing Gratitude 167

Proactively Promoting Gratitude 170

Shifting Away from Focus on Material Possessions 171

Affirmation 172

Gratitude and Nature 172

Affirmation 174

Parent Reflection Moment: Gratitude 174

Things to Remember 175

Slumberkins Character Connection: Honey Bear 175

Eleven Self-Esteem 177

Nurturing Self-Esteem in Children 179

Teaching Children They Are Loved—and Lovable 181

Proactively Building Positive Beliefs 183

Affirmation 184

Helping a Child Who Is Struggling with Self-Esteem 184

Teach Kids How to Respond 185

Affirmation 186

Parent Reflection Moment: Self-Esteem 187

Things to Remember 188

Slumberkins Character Connection: Bigfoot 188

Twelve Authenticity 189

Exploring Our Authentic Selves 191

Parenting to Proactively Foster Authenticity 194

Affirmation 196

Building Authenticity When You Sense Trouble 196

Understanding the Impact of Spiritual and Cultural Beliefs 198

Affirmation 198

Parent Reflection Moment: Authenticity 199

Things to Remember 200

Slumberkins Character Connection: Unicorn 200

Thirteen Growth Mindset 201

Cultivating a Growth Mindset 203

Proactively Building Growth Mindset 206

Using Constructive Words of Encouragement 207

Words That Reinforce Effort 207

Words That Highlight Potential 208

Words That Foster Curiosity and Learning 208

Words to Avoid 209

Taking Breaks and Why They Are Important 210

Affirmation 210

Helping Shift a Fixed Mindset 211

Teaching Kids How to Respond 211

Affirmation 212

Parent Reflection Moment: Growth Mindset 213

Things to Remember 214

Slumberkins Character Connection: Narwhal 214

Fourteen Self-Acceptance 215

Foster Self-Acceptance 217

Proactively Supporting Self-Acceptance 219

Modeling Self-Acceptance with Your Kids 221

Accept the Things You Cannot Change 221

Encourage Self-Forgiveness 221

Use Positive Affirmations for Self-Compassion 222

Stop Comparing Yourself to Others 222

Practice, Practice, Practice 223

Affirmation 223

How to Support Perfectionism 223

Affirmation 225

Parent Reflection Moment: Self-Acceptance 225

Things to Remember 226

Slumberkins Character Connection: Yak 226

Fifteen Conflict Resolution 227

The Components of Conflict 229

Dealing with Tantrums 231

Focus on Co-regulation 232

Why “Go to Your Room!” Won’t Work 234

Communication During Tantrums 235

Address Destructive Behavior 236

Avoiding Escalation During Outbursts 236

Affirmation 237

Sibling Rivalry 237

Peer Conflict 237

Affirmation 239

Parent Reflection Moment: Conflict Resolution 240

Things to Remember 241

Slumberkins Character Connection: Hammerhead 241

Sixteen Change 243

Supporting Change in Children’s Lives 245

Learning About Family Systems 247

Signs of a Healthy Family System 248

Signs That a Family System Is Not Functioning Well 248

Introducing a New Sibling 249

Understanding a Toddler’s Reaction to a New Sibling 251

Don’t Assume They’re Excited 251

Affirmation 252

Separation and Divorce 252

How to Explain Divorce to Kids 253

Impacts of the Parental Relationship on Children 253

Looking Ahead to Co-Parenting 256

Affirmation 257

Parent Reflection Moment: Change 257

Things to Remember 259

Slumberkins Character Connection: Fox 259

Seventeen Anxiety 261

What If We Reframe Anxiety? 263

Signs of Stress and Anxiety in Children 267

The Dos of Easing Anxiety in Kids 268

The Don’ts of Trying to Easing Anxiety in Children 269

Separation Anxiety 269

You’re Always Connected, Even When You’re Apart 270

Affirmation 271

When to Seek Support 272

Affirmation 273

Parent Reflection Moment: Anxiety 274

Things to Remember 275

Slumberkins Character Connection: Alpaca 275

Eighteen Grief and Loss 277

The Grief Process 279

Proactively Introducing the Concept of Goodbyes 284

Affirmation 285

When You’ve Lost a Loved One 285

10 Facts About Children and Grief 285

How to Talk to a Child About Death 288

Lesson in Supporting Someone Through Grief 288

If Your Child Is Struggling with Grief/Loss 291

Affirmation 293

Parent Reflection Moment: Grief and Loss 293

Things to Remember 294

Slumberkins Character Connection: Sprite 294

Nineteen Self-Expression 295

Expressing Your Needs 297

Proactively Building Self-Expression Skills 300

Affirmation 302

If Your Child Is Struggling with Self-Expression 303

Setting Boundaries 305

Why Setting Boundaries Is Important for Abuse Prevention 306

Help Kids to Know Their Boundaries Through Practicing These Tips at Home 306

Affirmation 308

Parent Reflection Moment: Self-Expression 308

Things to Remember 309

Slumberkins Character Connection: Lynx 310

Twenty Creativity 311

Supporting Creativity 314

Creativity Through the Years 315

Time to Play 317

Affirmation 319

Importance of Imagination in Child Development 319

How to Encourage Imagination in Children 320

Affirmation 322

Parent Reflection Moment: Creativity 322

Things to Remember 323

Slumberkins Character Connection: Dragon 323

Use Case Guide 325

Index 331