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Learning the Language

God created sexuality to reveal Himself, how He operates, and the value He places on intimate relating.

Douglas Rosenau, A Celebration of Sex

Welcome to Redeemed Sexuality! Well done—you have chosen the road to healing and transformation. Whether you have traveled this road for a long time or you are just starting the journey, this is an exciting and important step toward sexual health and freedom. This first session is a time to introduce ourselves to each other and set clear expectations for how this group will work.

REVIEW. Why did you decide to join this group?

REFRAME. We are all coming to this group from different places, with different experiences, and different ideas about sexuality: what it is, what it’s for, and what healing could look like in our lives. This session introduces the basic language and concepts we’ll use to talk about sexuality in this group, so that we can all start on the same page. But first, we’ll remind ourselves of what we are committing to by joining this group.

READ. “Group Covenant” (p. 9).

REQUEST. Father of grace and healing, come heal our broken hearts and change our selfish ways. Make this group a safe place to talk about sexuality, where we can be supported and challenged to become more like your Son, Jesus, by the power of your Holy Spirit.

Note. Leaders, if you are prepared, share your sexual history at the end of this meeting (see fig. 1.1).

A Common Vocabulary

The language we use to talk about sexual thoughts and behaviors makes a significant difference in the way we experience the healing process. Table 1.1 illustrates five different types of language we can use when talking about sexuality.

In a group, clinical language tends to be more helpful than slang or euphemism. For example, saying, “I watched pornography and masturbated twice” communicates more clearly and descriptively than saying, “I messed up” or “I fell.” Vague euphemisms like “I fell” can be used as walls to hide behind. We want to use nonjudgmental language that is specific enough to be clear while avoiding crude, immature, or inappropriate descriptions of sexual thoughts and behaviors. It is also possible to be too specific and give so much information that it can cause others to stumble. So although we don’t need to shy away from using explicit sexual language, we don’t need to dwell on it either. Because there is no single type of language that works in all circumstances, we must use discernment to choose which language to use in a given situation. Since clinical language is most often the appropriate type of language to use in a group, everyone in your group should become familiar with important technical sexual terms relating to sexuality, sexual brokenness, and sexual wholeness.

This section is intended to give you a shared vocabulary of sexual language to use in your group. It is not a comprehensive list but a tool to promote healthy dialogue. Learning to think and talk about sexuality differently starts with a clear understanding of terminology.

• Scan through the terms on pages 14-17.
• What questions do you have about any of these terms?

Sexuality is our God-given capacity for intimate relating and connecting. Sexuality is a much larger category than sex. It describes who we are as human beings. We are sexual at our core, whether or not we participate in sexual behaviors. All human relationships involve sexuality in some way, because sexuality affects all of life. Sexuality is an integral part of how our relational God created us in his image as male and female, to live in close relationships with him and one other.

The following list describes several aspects of our sexuality. Although these aspects may be difficult to control, they are not innately sinful—instead, they are opportunities for us to glorify God with our bodies (1 Corinthians 6:20).

• Sexual desires are longings for intimate connection, designed to draw us closer to God and others.
• Sexual surges are periods of especially strong sexual desire, “feeling horny.” This is normal and good.
• Sexual aches are deep undercurrents of longing for romance and relationship. This is also normal and good.
• Sexual temptation is the desire to pursue sexual satisfaction in a way contrary to God’s design. Sexual temptation itself is not sinful (Hebrews 4:15); it only becomes sinful when we decide to give in to it.
• Sexual pleasure includes positive experiences of sexual stimulation meant to enhance loving relationships.
• Sexual union is full sexual exposure and contact shared between two people—what most people call “having sex.”
• Same-sex attraction is when an individual is attracted to those of the same gender. It is helpful to note the distinction between attraction and behavior.

Sexual brokenness is what happens when sexuality is used for selfish gain rather than self-giving love. Sometimes this brokenness is the result of what we have done; sometimes it is the result of what others have done to us. Sexual brokenness can be both a cause and an effect of deep wounds and broken relationships, changing God’s good gift of sexuality into a burden rather than a blessing. It is essentially a form of relational impoverishment, including spiritual, social, mental, emotional, biological, and systemic dimensions.

Sexual brokenness includes the following terms:

• Sexual sin is any attitude or action that departs from or rebels against God’s design for sexuality.
• Sexual lust is the sin of focusing on someone as an object of your sexual desire for selfish purposes. Love gives; lust takes.
• Sexual shame is self-loathing and condemnation rooted in sexual issues. Sexual shame is different from sexual guilt. It has been said that we experience guilt when we know we have made a mistake (which is often true), but we experience shame when we believe we are a mistake (which is a lie from the enemy).
• Sexual harassment is “unwelcome conduct of a sexual nature, including unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal, nonverbal, graphic, or physical conduct of a sexual nature, without regard to whether the parties are of the same or different genders.”
• Sexual assault is “a particular type of sexual harassment that includes physical sexual acts perpetrated when consent is not present, where a person is incapable of giving consent, or coercion and/or force is used. This includes nonconsensual sexual contact, as well as nonconsensual sexual intercourse or penetration.”
• Sexual abuse is anything that hinders and inhibits healthy sexual development, including but not limited to traumatic sexual experiences. Under this definition, sexual abuse can be physical, verbal, emotional, or spiritual: anything that has hindered our sexual development. Sexual abuse often comes from parents, pastors, or peers who may or may not have intended to hurt us. Sexual abuse is the always fault of the sexual abuser, not the sexually abused.
• Sexual addiction refers to an unhealthy pattern of sexual behavior that has become unmanageable. The pattern continues to escalate despite increasing negative consequences to one’s self or others. Sexual addiction is a condition of the brain. Sexually addicted people have trained their brains to seek out sexual stimulation as a mood-altering experience rather than a way to connect with others. For the addict, sexual activity functions as a coping mechanism to medicate underlying pain.
• Sexual co-addiction (or codependency) refers to an unhealthy pattern of compromising one’s own sexual values in order to avoid rejection. Partners of sexual addicts are people who enable others to engage in unwelcome sexual activity. They may allow a...