Feeding the Monster (eBook)

As I watched the darkness descend, the distinction between sky and landdisappeared. The murky gray color covered the landscape as if a blanket weresmothering my existence. It suddenly grew very cold, and although seeminglyimpossible, I felt more alone than my life ever allowed before. The darknessentered the room, and the depths of my emptiness felt its presence. It broughtme back, back so far that I curled up in a corner much like the position Ioccupied in my mothers womb so many years ago. While familiar questionsraced through my frustrated mind that night, I again realized my quest for ananswer may never be over. I prayed over and over for God to take me quietly,without pain. I have suffered enough. My prayers went unanswered again. With the beginning of each day, we ask the same questions. We pray foranswers; we beg to be shown the way to a better life. Alone and broken eachnight, we ask, we pray for a way outa way to stop the cycle of destruction,loneliness, and shame. Thousands of times I have repeated this conduct, butfor so long now, my futile struggle moves me further away from that which Istrongly crave to obtain. Each day, my conductalthough aware of it beingill-advisedbrings me to a dark and pathetic place. I cannot escape myself. Icannot forgive myself. Hopeless, hollow, and beat-up, I surrender once againin defeat. And so the cycle continues. My story is not unknown to mankind. It has repeated itself time andtime again. So many have experienced it, and although much of it is nowunderstood, it is often still unforgivable upon self-reflection. Only thealcoholic or addict has the ability, due to experience, to completely engage thetrue depth of its destruction and resulting emptiness although all in its pathsuffer relentlessly and often without recourse. This book documents, to thebest of my ability, my road to addiction, destruction, and recovery.