FromChapter2: The Theory of Holes Todaywe will discuss a fundamental idea used in our work here. It's called theTheory of Holes. Under usual circumstances, people are full of what we call'holes.' What is a hole? A hole refers to any part of you that hasbeen lost, meaning any part of you that you have lost consciousness of.Ultimately what we have lost awareness of is our essence. When we are not awareof our essence, it stops manifesting. Then we feel a sense of deficiency. So ahole is nothing but the absence of a certain part of our essence. It could bethe loss of love, loss of value, loss of capacity for contact, loss ofstrength, any of the qualities of Essence. There are many of them. However tosay we have lost parts of Essence does not mean they are gone forever, they arenever gone forever. You are simply cut off from them. Let'stake, for example, the quality of value or self-esteem. When you are cut offfrom your value, the actual experience is a sense that there is a hole insidethat feels empty. You feel a sense of deficiency, a sense of inferiority, andyou want to fill this hole with value from the outside. You may try to useapproval, praise, whatever. You try to fill the hole with fake value. Wewalk around with lots of holes, but we usually aren't aware of them. We'reusually aware of desires: 'I want praise. I want to be successful. I wantthis person to love me. I want this or that experience.' The presence ofdesires and needs indicates the presence of holes. Theseholes originated during childhood, partly as a result of traumatic experiencesor conflicts with the environment. Perhaps your parents did not value you. Theydidn't treat you as if your wishes or presence were important, didn't act inways that let you know that you mattered. They ignored your essential value.Because your value was not seen or acknowledged (perhaps even attacked ordiscouraged), you got cut off from that part of you, and what was left was ahole, a deficiency. Whenyou relate to someone in a deep way, you fill your holes with the other person.Some of your holes get filled with what you believe you're getting from theother person. For example, you may feel valued because this person appreciatesyou. You don't know consciously that you're filling the hole with theirappreciation. But when you are with that person, you feel valuable, andunconsciously you feel the other person is responsible for your value. Whateverthis person is giving you feels like a part of you, it is part of the fullnessthat you experience. Yourunconscious does not see that part of the person that makes you feel valuableas separate, you see it as part of you. When the person dies or therelationship ends, you don't feel that you're losing that person, you feelyou're losing whatever is filling the hole. You experience the loss of a partof yourself. That is why it is so painful. It feels like you're being cut andsomething is being taken out of you. That's what the wound and the pain areabout—,the hurt of loss. You may feel as if you lost your heart, your security,your strength, your will—,whatever the person fulfilled for you. When you losea person close to you, you feel whatever hole that person has filled. That'sone thing people are talking about when they say that we 'fit' eachother. Each person fits the other's holes. This fits into this hole, that fitsinto that hole. When two people live together, they may feel full and completebecause they feel themselves as complementary, together they make a unifiedwhole. Itis rare that another person fills all your holes. You have many people andactivities in your life, and...