Dishing the Dirt

Nick Duerden is a writer and journalist whose work has appeared in The Guardian, the Sunday Times, the Daily Telegraph, the i paper, GQ, Esquire and Elle. His books include Exit Stage Left, Get Well Soon: Adventures in Alternative Healthcare, A Life Less Lonely, and The Smallest Things: On the Enduring Power of Family. He lives in London with his wife and two daughters.

AUTHOR'S NOTE. 'In the autumn of 2018, I set out to find out more about the individuals who [hoover, mop, polish, scrub and tidy] our homes. Over 15 months, I interviewed dozens of cleaners from all over the world who have settled, and now work, in London, and I asked them about their lives.'





PROLOGUE: CLOCKING ON. We see the world through the eyes of a cleaner whose employer is having an extra-marital affair. Charts the history and rise of UK domestic help. Many cleaners come from Poland, Bulgaria and Romania. 'Those that clean for Londoners are a silent army... What are their stories?'





1. THE ENTREPRENEUR. Yuliya arrived in Britain as a penniless cleaner from Bulgaria, speaking "such bad English." Now she drives a BMW and educates her children at a private school. She runs a cleaning agency in Surbiton, London, and has stories galore about the "low status" of foreign cleaners.





2. THE ACTRESS. Rosi is an actress from Spain - and wants to act again. But for now, she cleans. "English people are not going to clean their own toilets, are they? I love English people. But, no, they wouldn’t do that. But then it’s the same in our country: it’s the immigrants that do certain jobs"





3. SLAVE LABOUR. For most cleaning is a choice, but not for everybody. Amirah from Jakarta, Indonesia, was trafficked to London under the pretence she would earn £500 a month cleaning an embassy. She worked round the clock in a home in Acton, sleeping in a closet and eating on a doormat.





4. MIDLIFE CRISIS. Michele was a successful US music journalist, living a life of canapés, champagne and excess. At 49, she had kids, a husband and panic attacks. She moved into a bedsit and started cleaning. 'The ‘low status’ tag didn’t particularly bother her. She had learned a lot in rehab'





5. THE TRADE UNIONIST. 'Marissa is chief organiser here, the founder of The Voice of Domestic Workers. She is a 48-year-old Filipino who cleans during the week and arranges these classes at the weekend for her fellow cleaners to unwind. As well as dance, they are taught English, IT, and their rights'





6. THE LESSER-SPOTTED MALE. Many clients want a man to clean their home, says Mario, a lifelong Londoner whose family came from Malta. Perhaps they need the bed or sofa moved. Aged 60, Mario worked in the ticket office for London Underground for 27 years. He enjoys cleaning and his flat is spotless.





7. THE CLEANER RETURNED HOME. Many Eastern European women arrive in the UK with the dream of one day returning home to Poland or Bulgaria. Zofia, a Pole, met her Polish husband in the UK. He wanted to stay; she wanted a new life. Back in Wrocław, they had children, bought land and plan to build a house





8. THE CRIME SCENE CLEANERS. A murder in a home can leave a lot of blood. Someone has to clean it up and the police employ specialist cleaning agencies. Say hello to Maxine and Jasmine who enter entering premises in Luton shortly after the Crime Scene Investigation team have removed their police tape





9. CLEANING FOR THE SUPER-RICH. When training butlers to look after the interests and whims of billionaires, Vincent Vermeulen must ensure they how to conduct themselves around money and moneyed individuals. 'He also trains his staff a trick most stage illusionists would love to perfect: invisibility'





10. THE NAKED CLEANER. Naked cleaning is a growth industry and Brandy is happy to waltz around the homes of clients in the nude, dusting and hoovering. It’s seemingly not about sex, though sex is somewhere in the mix. Brandy insists it is ‘nothing pervy.’ Some of her clients are naturists





11. CLEANING IN JAPANESE. While dusting, polishing and scrubbing, some cleaners like to spruce up their skills as well as their clients' homes. Middle class Natalie, 28, from Devon listens to a couple of hours of Japanese a day, through earphones while she runs a Henry hoover around a London townhouse





12. THE MODERN BUTLER. Only those who work with millionaires learn the true distinction between Old Money and New Money. Monika from Slovakia is a 'house manager' to wealthy individuals. Domestic staff entering this world can only do so successfully after intensive training. They become smart and suave





13. THE LISTENER. A Filipino, Jennifer cleans houses in Wimbledon, Hampstead, Golders Green and, she says, ‘anywhere there is a job’ – six days a week. Some clients are odd or lonely. "These people, they don’t throw things away. They — what’s the word…? Hoarding. They hoard everything. So much clutter."





14. THE GAY CLEANER. Felipe is aged 38 and a Colombian resident of London. He is slim and compact, with sharp cheekbones and a kind, mournful expression. He has been advertising himself online for a few months as a ‘gay-friendly cleaner,’ and is now living with the consequences





EPILOGUE: CLOCKING OFF. 'She takes off her coat in the hallway, and her Nikes, and changes them for house shoes, then appraises the damage: three bedrooms, three unmade beds, a pile of breakfast dishes in the sink, cat hair on the sofa, the bathroom grimed with tidemarks the colour of nicotine.'





AFTERWORD. The life of cleaners, janitors, housekeepers, house managers, butlers, domestic staff, domestic servants even, the life of a cleaner is not easy. Nor was finding interviewees for this book, but the author recorded the everyday working lives of cleaners in London. In all their variety.





INDEX. Let's start with the As: abuse, acting, advertising, affairs, African workers, age, agencies, agoraphobia, Airbnb, airport security checks, alcohol issues, ambitions for the future, American workers, animal infestations, Antigona and Me (Clanchy), anxiety, Arabic language, asylum seekers