Fifty Shades of True Crime (eBook)

CHAPTER ONE

NAME THAT CRIME

I cebreakers are a great way to help people ease into difficult topics of discussion. They allow us to connect and feel less guarded. For that reason, consider this a warmup chapter that requires your participation. While the flavor of this book is purely sex, the subsequent chapters increase in intensity and evolve into more traditional storylines. This isn’t for the faint of heart. You’re about to get mentally twisted reading this, but I have a trade-off that just might make it worthwhile. Want to be the life of the party, be the center of attention, and always leave a lasting impression? I mean, why the hell not? And guess what? You don’t need to be charismatic, famous, or funny to achieve this, but you will need a few interesting stories. As luck would have it, I’ve got your back. The following real-life cases aren’t just attention grabbers; they are jaw-droppers. Be forewarned: prepare yourself for an interactive reading experience that will challenge the moral fabric of our society.

According to a 2023 Gallup poll, Americans say U.S. moral values are not good and getting worse. Remarkably, 54 percent of respondents currently rate our values as being poor. On top of that, 83 percent believe our moral standards are declining. This chapter will require engaging this dilemma with your eyes wide open.2 Morality is a human biological attribute, and we are generally predisposed to judge good and evil; however, moral codes vary from person to person. In the 1800s, Charles Darwin wrote about the moral sense, which, according to him, emerges from the foundation of instinct and impulse in all human beings. He believed the standard of morality improves as humanity evolves and gets smarter. So how are we doing roughly two hundred years later? Sorry, Charlie, but we’re fucked!

Name That Crime is exactly as it sounds. It’s your chance to play cop, detective, and FBI profiler. Just like in the good old days of the Wild West, I’m deputizing you to help solve these crimes. If you think the following incidents couldn’t happen in today’s world, think again. Many states still have laws allowing police officers to deputize civilians, so repeat after me:

Law Enforcement Oath of Honor

On my honor, I will never betray my badge, my integrity, my character, or the public trust.

I will always have the courage to hold myself and others accountable for our actions.

I will uphold the constitution, my community, and the agency I serve.

Congratulations, you’re now the new sheriff in town. The following cases will describe graphic criminal behavior. As the reader, you will be given several options as to what unlawful act the individual committed. Study the mug shot, analyze crime scene photos, and review the criminal laws before selecting which offense you would charge.

You are now the crime fighter—so . . . Name That Crime.

Man’s Best Friend . . .

You’ve seen the mug shot. Now it’s time to pick the perversion:

1. Indecent Exposure. According to Alaska Statute 11.41.460, “an offender commits the crime of indecent exposure in the second degree if the offender knowingly exposes the offender’s genitals in the presence of another person with reckless disregard for the offensive, insulting, or frightening effect the act may have.”

2. Criminal Mischief. According to Alaska Statute 11.46.486, “a person commits the crime of criminal mischief in the fifth degree if, having no right to do so or any reasonable ground to believe the person has such a right, with reckless disregard for the risk of harm to or loss of the property or with intent to cause substantial inconvenience to another, the person tampers with the property of another.”

3. Failure to Register as a Sex Offender or Child Kidnapper. According to Alaska Statute 11.56.840, “a person commits the crime of failure to register as a sex offender or child kidnapper in the second degree if the person is required to register under AS 12.63.010 (related to the registration of sex offenders).”

Okay, looking at the mug shot, at first glance, this is actor Matt Damon’s doppelgänger. Hopefully, that’s where the similarities end. Now, because of the nature of his crimes, bagging this bad guy might get a little emotionally painful for you. This sadistic bastard is going to rub you the wrong way; he is 100 percent going to make your blood boil. The incident in question takes place in the small village of Klawock, Alaska, a community of around nine hundred residents located near Ketchikan. As a side note, this is where my family is from. And no, thank God, he’s not our black sheep. The area boasts some of the most pristine and picturesque land Mother Earth has to offer. But on this day, that majestic beauty would become tainted with a disgusting and vile act.

Let’s set the stage: imagine yourself enjoying a beautiful Alaskan spring day. The sun is out, birds are chirping, and it’s finally time to take Fido to the local dog park. After a harsh Alaskan winter, it’s a great place for community friends to gather and let their pups socialize. Max is running free, Duke is sniffing every dog’s ass, and Bella is rolling in the grass. In 2008, this was a tail-wagging utopia—until it wasn’t. What changed?

This one’s going to be hard to ease into, so I’ll just cut to the chase. You see, on this day, man’s best friend literally got fucked . . . by a man.

Say it isn’t so! Oh, it is so, and it gets worse. Harold Simpson, a twenty-six-year-old, not only fucked one unsuspecting pooch but also went back-to-back with another. So how was this dog rapist caught? A local resident witnessed him pulling a golden retriever into the woods after lassoing it with a green rope. She thought it odd when the dog was noticeably reluctant to go with him. Twenty minutes later, the retriever reappeared and, soon after, so did Harold Simpson. He then targeted a black lab, using the same green rope to drag it into the woods. The woman decided to seek help and asked two local men to check on the lab.

What did those two men find in the woods? They found Harold Simpson in the act of sexually assaulting the lab. He had tied the poor pup to a tree with the rope and duct-taped the snout shut and was sodomizing it. Remember the earlier guarantee of your blood boiling? No ifs, ands, or buts about it, we should lock this perverted son of a bitch up and throw away the key. But wait—as you probably noticed by now, the criminal statutes above don’t seem to fit this crime. It’s because in 2008, loving on Lassie was not a crime. Let that sink in for a moment: dog fucking was legal! The best cops could do was charge Harold Simpson with two counts of misdemeanor criminal mischief, specifically defined as tampering with the property of another (in this case the dog owners’). The state-charging document read in part:

STATE OF ALASKA,

Plaintiff,

v.

HAROLD JAY SIMPSON,

Defendant.

In the First Judicial District, State of Alaska, HAROLD JAY SIMPSON, having no right to do so or any reasonable ground to believe he had such a right, did unlawfully tamper with the property of another with reckless disregard for the risk of harm to or loss of the property or with intent to cause substantial inconvenience to another. (Count I and Count II were identical.)

Do you read anything here that indicates we’re dealing with a serial dog rapist? Nope, that’s it. Two very minor charges that typically receive nothing but a slap on the wrist. Harold Simpson had premeditated these cruel assaults before ever arriving at the dog park. He brought a rope and tape and even took the time to handpick his victims from dozens of dogs. In the end, none of this mattered because Harold Simpson could not face more serious charges. He got off scot-free for literally screwing the pooch. Although a bit late in the case of Mr. Simpson, we have since enacted a law (Alaska Statute 11.61.140), which directly prohibits engaging in sexual conduct with animals.

Cool as a Cucumber . . .

Pet lovers, you probably need to recharge your batteries after that emotional roller coaster, and I don’t blame you one bit. As luck would have it, the next crime on the police blotter is a bit more tranquil. The long summer days in Alaska are what residents live for; after being pent up for eight long months of hellish winter, it’s time to enjoy the great outdoors. Most parts of the country enjoy four seasons, but Alaskans have only two—we place the rarely seen spring and fall into the honorable mention category. The following is an easily understood timeline of seasonal duration as well as a glimpse into the typical Alaskan’s thought process throughout the year:

Fall: two weeks (“Winter is coming . . .”)

Winter: eight months (“Just waiting for summer . . .”)

Spring: two weeks (“Still waiting for summer . . .”)

Summer: three months (“Time to get outside and
party like there’s no tomorrow . . .”)

Nothing screams “party in your pants” like the following story because, as you can see in the crime scene photo, there she is in all her glory. The ruler measuring it is a fractional L-shaped scale for forensic photography. It’s six inches by twelve inches and is an absolute necessity when processing crime scenes. Oh, wait—you couldn’t care less about the cool police ruler....