DATING &quote;IS FOR&quote; DUMMIES (eBook)

CHAPTER 1 – Commitment

“Are you committed, contemplating, or just caught up in something cultural?”

“Today’s culture desensitizes words and makes statements like “commitment” mere meaningless comments.”

In biblical times and before the 21st century, marriages thrived due to a solid understanding of the principles surrounding covenants and commitment. I’ve coined the present era as “Generation YAP,” where there seems to be more talk than action. In this time, we’ve adopted a nonchalant attitude toward our own words, and consequently, so have others. Frequently, without careful thought, we throw around assurances like “sure, I’ll do it,” “I got you,” or “I’m on it” without considering our schedules, resources, families, or, most importantly, consulting with God.

Post making a commitment, a concerning trend emerges. We often find ourselves back at the negotiation table, introducing a new player in the form of our “lawyer,” Mrs. “IF We.” Our commitment seems contingent on various conditions:

IF I REMAIN happy

IF we continue to see eye to eye

IF we are going in the same direction

IF I perceive you’re faithful

IF you take out the garbage, cook, clean, love me like I want, speak to me as I expect.

We go BACK to the negotiation table AFTER the commitment.

These conditional commitments reflect a departure from the steadfast commitments of the past. Motivations for our commitments vary and can be attributed to convenience, fear, social acceptance, manipulation, tradition, religion, or sometimes, sheer ignorance.

I once managed an employee that violated a written procedure that I had trained him on the day before. When I expressed disappointment with him, he seized the opportunity to rant about how I’ve recently taken money out of his pocket by reducing his hours and changing his shifts. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t see a correlation between my lack of confidence in his performance and his schedule/responsibilities. I was puzzled how he never once thought about the specific instructions he received and how it took less than 24 hours for him to forget or ignore them. He forgot or ignored the fact that he was getting paid to perform the assignment. He forgot that he endorsed the written instructions (with pictures and examples), indicating that he read and understood them. There was a high level of entitlement and a blind spot to integrity, pride in one’s workmanship, and commitment to what he endorsed. Entitlement is a form of egotistic spoiling that says, “I deserve what I didn’t work for nor commit to.” Brattish behavior such as this can only come from a place of immaturity and a lack of human reality as to how life and relationships work. It’s simple mental math: “No deposit, no return or reward.”

There was once a time when what you endorsed was a reflection of you and your word. Your signature was your brand. If your signature was on it, it meant that you backed and supported it. Your brand is a symbol of who you are and what you stand for; it is your promise—what one could reasonably expect when choosing or depending upon you. When a rancher brands livestock, ownership is established, and anybody who encounters that brand knows (if they are familiar with it) what promises come with it.

“The best way to get a man to abort his vision
is to give him another one.”
~Stephenson Duncanson

Before we explore the intricacies of dating pitfalls, the missteps of flirting, the challenges within marriages—whether within the church or not—and the common misconception that “super like” equates to genuine love, let’s engage in a conversation that might stir some discomfort.

This dialogue isn’t about fleeting societal norms or the ever-changing dynamics of modern romance. It centers on a timeless and often underestimated concept: your word. The promises we articulate, the oaths we take, and the commitments we enter into form the very foundation of our connections with others. In the whirlwind of today’s hectic world, the weight of our words is sometimes overlooked.

Before we proceed, I want to extend a sincere apology for dedicating a bit more time to this topic than most may deem necessary. But, here’s the root of it: this conversation about honoring one’s word and commitments is so crucial that, in many ways, it serves as the linchpin for the entire discussion that follows. In fact, if we collectively embraced the profound importance of commitment, the subsequent chapters on dating, flirting, marriage, and love might not be necessary at all. The depth of our commitments, the authenticity in our promises, they shape the very essence of our relationships. So, thank you for your patience and understanding as we unravel this foundational aspect—a conversation that, once embraced, holds the potential to transform the way we approach every other facet of our lives.

If you are seeking a biblical results whether it’s a marriage, a business partnership, or a healthy co-parenting relationship, the key is to approach things in alignment with biblical principles. Some of us desire God’s blessings yet use worldly tactics. As you scroll through New Testament scripture, you’ll find that God never forces you to give your word (scripture mostly encourages us not to make vows), but if you do give your word God expects you to honor it. In Old Testament scripture, you’ll find that when a man gave his word, it was a huge deal. Agreements, promises, and covenants were both frequent and flamboyant. Never would an “I got you bro” or “I’m on it sis” suffice in that era.

Diving into the biblical landscape, we find a tapestry of commitments, oaths, and covenants that were not just made but profoundly sealed and honored through:

• Swearing: People honored their commitments by invoking God or other esteemed individuals.
• Hand under a thigh: A unique symbolic gesture, probably something culturally significant back then.
• Witness Piles: Publicly declaring commitments by gathering and piling stones as witnesses.
• Covenant feasts: Celebratory bashes marking the making or fulfilling of covenants.
• Celebrations: Festivities of all sorts underscoring the weightiness of commitments.
• Altars: Erecting altars as tangible symbols of commitment to God or as memorials for covenants.
• Sacrifices: Sealing deals with sacrifices, making sure the commitment carries real weight.
• Written Agreements: In some instances, putting covenants down in writing, turning commitments into formal affairs.

This rich historical backdrop paints a picture of how seriously promises and commitments were taken in the biblical tradition. It shows the various and profound ways in which people made and stuck to their commitments.

“Anything you build on a lie will eventually crumble.”

THE TWO COMMANDMENTS

There is one guaranteed way to improve the quality of your relationships (romantic and otherwise) and that is to fully understand God’s principles regarding them. We serve a relational God. So much so, that all 10 commandments are principles based on relationship—Five covering our relationship with Him and five covering our relationship with one another. So, those 10 commandments you’ve been dreading are essentially only two:

1. Love God.
2. Love one another.

The other eight are examples of how.

We must fully understand the power and importance of our words and obtain the discipline and willingness to submit to these principles and their proper application to our lives.

“liabilities and opportunities cannot co-exist.”

We must start, or get back to, respecting and honoring our word and commitments.

How you handle your commitments will determine your effectiveness in life. One day while perusing Facebook, I encountered a life-changing post: The author wrote “liabilities and opportunities cannot co-exist.” My remix of this is “The more you commit to ... the less you’re available for …”

Over the years I’ve gotten into the habit of never committing to social activities without first evaluating the intelligence report of my family and business activities before, during, and after the requested social event. Way too many times I’ve agreed to Friday night birthday celebrations without considering my Saturday afternoon business presentations. My Friday night would have been better spent in data preparation instead of wiping dance perspiration. Now I’m faced with a dilemma: Do I cancel (go back on my word) so I can properly prioritize or sacrifice and pull an all-nighter? Neither. You learn that it is always safer to become a spontaneous socialite. I avoid providing full commitments to social activities but add them to my calendar in yellow, a color that quickly reminds me on Friday that the option to socialize is available if desired. Red is my highest level of priority (when certain important bills are due, deadlines, or dinner with the Obama’s), followed by items highlighted in green, which makes up my standard calendar or to-do list (business and personal meetings and appointments, along with other activities and reminders of items that I’ve previously committed to).

How you handle commitments is a reflection of your...