Hope, Forgiveness, and Positive Psychology in Couple Therapy

Everett L. Worthington, Jr., Ph.D., is Commonwealth Professor Emeritus at Virginia Commonwealth University and licensed Clinical Psychologist in Virginia. He also holds a Faculty Affiliate appointment at the Institute for Quantitative Social Sciences, Faculty of Arts and Sciences, Harvard University (Human Flourishing Program). Jennifer S. Ripley, Ph.D., is the Hughes Chair and Professor at Regent University and a licensed Clinical Psychologist in Virginia.

CHAPTER 1 ADMITTING TO THE FRAGILITY OF COUPLE THERAPY: HOLD ONTO HOPE

PART 1 FRAMING INTERVENTIONS

CHAPTER 2 INTRODUCING THE THEORY: USE FIVE STEPS IN OPERATION HOPE

Figure 2-1: Operation Hope: The Grand Strategy for the Hope-Focused Couple Approach.

Intervention 2-1: Ten Techniques of the HFCA

CHAPTER 3 PROMOTING HOPE: UNCOVER DIFFERENT KINDS OF HOPE

CHAPTER 4 EMPLOY STRATEGIES FOR LOVE: HELP COUPLES DO THE WORK AND KEEP THE FAITH

Intervention 4-1: Education about Couple Therapy

Intervention 4-2: Get This Across—In Couple Therapy, Work Is Essential

Intervention 4-3: You Just Have to Do a Week of Work

Intervention 4-4: Great Homework Interventions

Intervention 4-5: Reflective Processing Worksheet

Intervention 4-6: Love that Values the Partner in Action

CHAPTER 5 USING THE THERAPY TECHNIQUES: MAKE CHANGE SENSIBLE

Intervention 5-1: How to Do Sensible Scaling with a Couple

CHAPTER 6 STRENGTHING THE EMOTIONAL BOND: FOCUS ON WHAT REALLY MAKES COUPLES SATISFIED AND STABLE

Figure 6-1: Practical Recipe of Actions to Build Intimacy

Intervention 6-1: CLEAVE to Bond

Intervention 6-2: Tell Me a Secret—Share Your Dreams

Intervention 6-3: Attend to the Emotional Cues

CHAPTER 7 APPLYING PRINCIPLES OF COUPLE THERAPY: FIND THE ESSENCE OF HELPING COUPLES CHANGE

PART 2 INTERACTING HOPEFULLY

CHAPTER 8 BUILDING HOPE WITH HOPE: HANDLING OUR PROBLEMS EFFECTIVELY

Intervention 8-1: The Alligator Intervention (Or How to Respond When Your Partner Snaps)

CHAPTER 9 UNDERSTANDING THE COUPLE’S PROBLEMS AND GOALS: USE ASSESSMENT EFFICIENTLY

Figure 9-1: The Couple Improvement Plan

Table 9-1: Questionnaires and Scales for Clinical Assessment of Couples

Intervention 9-1: Educate Couples about Preferences

Intervention 9-2: Pre-Meeting Assessment Questionnaires

Intervention 9-3: The Dyadic Interview 10 Questions

Intervention 9-4: Assigning Homework and the Couple Improvement Plan Worksheet

Intervention 9-5: Detect Red Flags

CHAPTER 10 PROVIDING FEEDBACK TO THE COUPLE: ENGAGE COUPLES IN PLANNING THEIR TREATMENT

Figure 10-1: Graphic Display of Carl and Sarah’s Ratings of Elements of Their Relationship

Intervention 10-1: The Assessment Report

Intervention 10-2: Feedback Report Example

Intervention 10-3: Example Treatment Plan for Couple Therapy

CHAPTER 11 SETTING UP ROUTINE OUTCOME MONITORING: PUT ASSESSMENT TO WORK

Figure 11-1: H-ROM Questionnaire

Figure 11-2: Display of ROM Results for Each Partner

Intervention 11-1: Routine Outcome Monitoring (ROM) Assessment

CHAPTER 12 USING COUPLE THERAPY METHODS FOR HOPE: INSTILL HOPE FOR THE HOLY, HURTING, AND HEALTHY

Figure 12-1: Pain-Defense-Offense Pattern (adapted from Sells & Yarhouse, 2011)

Intervention 12-1: The Video Review

Intervention 12-2: Stopping Negative Reciprocity

CHAPTER 13 HELPING RESOLVE CONFLICTS: FIND MUTUAL INTERESTS BENEATH SURFACE FIGHTS

Figure 13-1: Couple Conflict: Process and Intervention

Figure 13-2: The LOVE Acronym

Intervention 13-1: LOVE—Three Interventions in One

Intervention 13-2: Five-Minute Date

Intervention 13-3: Simple Listen and Repeat, Warmly

Intervention 13-4: Time Out

Intervention 13-5: Expressing Valuing Love

Intervention 13-6: Experiencing and Expressing Gratitude

Intervention 13-7: Doubt Your Doubt

Intervention 13-8: Diffusing a Power Struggle by Setting up a Win-Win and Inviting Partners to Honor Each Other’s Valued Choices

Intervention 13-9: Values Card Sort

Intervention 13-10: Process the Conflict

Intervention 13-11: Begin a Hard Discussion with a Soft Start-Up

Intervention 13-12: Slimy Pit Demonstration

CHAPTER 14 PROMOTING BETTER COMMUNICATION: FACILITATE WHAT THEY ALREADY KNOW

Figure 14-1: Practice Affirming and Active Responding Instead of Discounting and Disengaging

Intervention 14-1: Love Bank

Intervention 14-2: Love Bank Spin-Offs

Intervention 14-3: Making Affirming Active Responses Using the Speaker-Listener Technique

Intervention 14-4: Leveling and Editing

Intervention 14-5: Love Busters

Intervention 14-6: TANGO and TANGO-E

Intervention 14-7: A Coke and a Smile

PART 3 BONDING

CHAPTER 15 REVEALING THE SECRET TO A HAPPY ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP: HELP BUILD A MORE INTIMATE EMOTIONAL BOND

Figure 15-1: Sternberg’s Eight Types of Love Derived from Being High or Low in Passion, Intimacy, and Commitment

Figure 15-2: Intimacy Thermometers (Ripley & Worthington, 2014)

Intervention 15-1: Plot the Couple’s Sternberg Love-Triangle History

Intervention 15-2: Conceptualization of Three Types of Power

Intervention 15-3: Assess and Process the Intimacy Thermometers

Intervention 15-4: Graphing Closeness throughout the Relationship

Intervention 15-5: Five Love Languages to Increase Emotional Bonds

Intervention 15-6: A Sculpting Intervention to Deepen Intimacy over Time

Intervention 15-7: Make Dreams and Hopes Solid

CHAPTER 16 ENCOURAGING DEEP EMOTIONAL SHARING: HELP PARTNERS SHARE POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE EMOTIONS

Intervention 16-1: Romantic Dates and Special Times to Enhance Emotional Intimacy

Intervention 16-2: Three Ways to Enhance Sexual Intimacy

Intervention 16-3: Intellectual and Recreational Intimacy

Intervention 16-4: Prompt Spiritual and Romantic Reflection

Intervention 16-5: Assessing Spirituality with Couples

Intervention 16-6: Couple Prayer

Intervention 16-7: Process Ruptures in the Therapeutic Alliance

CHAPTER 17 BALANCING INTIMACY AND CLOSENESS WITH CO-ACTION AND ALONE-TIME: FIND THE RIGHT MIX FOR EACH COUPLE

Figure 17-1: The Distancer-Pursuer Couple Play-List. Topics that Trigger the Pattern of Requesting Interaction Followed by Withdrawal Followed by Elevated Intensity of Requests, etc.

Intervention 17-1: Bonding Day Activity

Intervention 17-2: A Used-Friendly Manual to Love Me

Intervention 17-3: Distancer-Pursuer Playlist

Intervention 17-4: Influencing Well and Accepting Influence

Intervention 17-5: Healthy Paths to Intimacy and Independence

CHAPTER 18 DISCERRNING ATTACHMENT STYLES AND EMOTIONAL BONDS: FIND EFFECTS OF EARLY RELATIONSHIPS AND OF ADULT ONES

Intervention 18-1: Understand Attachment by Creating Genograms Focused on Attachment Styles

Intervention 18-2: Attachment Styles in Their Close Relationships

Intervention 18-3: Two Attachment Styles, One Emotional Bod

Intervention 18-4: Predict Backsliding to Avoid It

Intervention 18-5: Address Defenses against Vulnerability

Intervention 18-6: Solidify Intimacy by Renewing Vows

Intervention 18-7: Solidify Intimacy by Creating a Sojourning Narrative

PART 4 FORGIVING

CHAPTER 19 DEALING WITH HURTS AND INJUSTICES: REDUCE THE INJUSTICE GAP TO MAKE FORGIVENESS EASIER

Figure 19-1: Radical Acceptance

Intervention 19-1: See with Magic Eyes Fable

Intervention 19-2: Questions to Ponder as You Begin to Address Past Hurts with the Couple

Intervention 19-3: Stopping Rumination

Intervention 19-4: Tolerate Offensive Behavior without Blowing Up

Intervention 19-5: Forbear Instead of Seeking Revenge (Or Even Contemplating It)

Intervention 19-6: Offer Restitution

Intervention 19-7: Grace Ain’t Just for Supper

Intervention 19-8: Radical Acceptance

Intervention 19-9: Transform Emotion with Emotion

CHAPTER 20 USING AN EFFECTIVE FORGIVENESS INTERVENTION: TEACH FIVE STEPS TO REACH FORGIVENESS

Intervention 20-1: Issues to Consider as You Start a REACH Forgiveness Group Program for Your Practice

Intervention 20-2: Point-by-Point Summary of the REACH Forgiveness Protocol

Intervention 20-3: Research Supporting REACH Forgiveness Treatment

CHAPTER 21 USING REACH FORGIVENESS IN SESSION: WALK COUPLES THROUGH IT

Figure 21-1: Four Interventions (21-1, 21-2, 21-3, and 21-4) to Promote Movement toward Reconciliation

Intervention 21-1: Choose Four Offenses to Work on

Intervention 21-2: Introduce the REACH Forgiveness Model

Intervention 21-3: Practice Confession and Apology

Intervention 21-4: Apply REACH

Intervention 21-5: Work through a Do-It-Yourself Workbook on REACH Forgiveness

Intervention 21-6: Have Partners Reflect on Their Learning

Intervention 21-7: Six Steps to Decisional Plus Emotional Self-Forgiveness

Intervention 21-8: An Intervention to Forgive Oneself Due to Non-Moral Self-Condemnation

Intervention 21-9: Working with One Partner on Curbing Their Excessive Self-Condemnation

PART 5 RECONCILING AND REBUILDING

CHAPTER 22 TEACHING FORGIVENESS AND RECONCILIATION: GUIDE PARTNERS THROUGH FOUR STEPS TO SET PARTNERS FREE

Figure 22-1: Four Steps to Forgiveness and Reconciliation through Experiencing Empathy (FREE)

Intervention 22-1: Idea #1 for Preparing Couples to Forgive & Reconcile—Consider Wartime

Intervention 22-2: Idea #2 for Preparing Couples to Reconcile—Why Forgive & Reconcile?

Intervention 22-3: Idea #3 for Preparing Couples to Reconcile—Savor Good Forgiveness

CHAPTER 23 MAKING DECISIONS AND DISCUSSING HURTS: DISCERN WHAT CAN AND CAN’T BE REDEEMED

Figure 23-1: Prepare for FREE

Intervention 23-1: Consider Memory of Past Conflicts with an Analogy

Intervention 23-2: It’s Not Only What I Did, But What My Partner Perceived I Did

Intervention 23-3: Psychoeducation about Processing Past Offenses

Intervention 23-4: Dan Wile’s (1988, 2008) Empathic Responding

Intervention 23-5: Preparing for Forgiveness and Reconciliation with Empathy

Intervention 23-6: Preparing for Forgiveness and Reconciliation with Emotional Softening

Intervention 23-7: Preparing for Forgiveness and Reconciliation through Regulating Emotions

Intervention 23-8: Address Resistance, Fuzzy Definitions, and Fears of Forgiveness

Intervention 23-9: Write Letters of Apology as Homework

Intervention 23-10: Discuss Potential Responses to Being Asked to Forgive the Wrongdoer

Intervention 23-11: CONFESS Acronym

CHAPTER 24 REPAIRING DAMAGE TO THE RELATIONSHIP: FIX WHAT CAN BE FIXED

Intervention 24-1: Scaling the Injustice Gap

Intervention 24-2: Responding to Criticism Non-Defensively (In Session)

Intervention 24-3: Principles to Address Unresolvable Problems

CHAPTER 25 REBUILDING DEVOTION WITH FREE: CREATE NEW STRUCTURES TO REPLACE MISSING ONES

Intervention 25-1: For Marriage War-Survivors, Read about Coventry and Dresden

Intervention 25-2: Increase Devotion through Gratitude Interventions

Intervention 25-3: Motivate Couples to Use Regular Checks on Functioning

Intervention 25-4: Discuss Annual Relationship Check-Up Questions

Intervention 25-5: Use the CARE Measure to Have Couples Self-Evaluate the Relationship

PART 6 REFORGING TRUST

CHAPTER 26 REFORGING TRUST: LET COUPLES KNOW THAT IT TAKES LONGER THAN THEY THINK IT WILL

Figure 26-1: Trust

Intervention 26-1: Illuminate the Processes of Trust-Busting and Trust-Building

Intervention 26-2: Use Slow-Building Trust to Deal with Deep Hurts

Intervention 26-3: ATTUNE, An Acronym for Handling a Betrayal

Intervention 26-4: It’s Happening Again

Intervention 26-5: Partner Exercise in Building Trust

Intervention 26-6: The Trust Bank

CHAPTER 27 PREPARING FOR FUTURE RUPTURES: ALERT PARTNERS TO INEVITABLE FUTURE RUPTURES

Intervention 27-1: Anticipate Ruptures by Assessing Change throughout Treatment

Intervention 27-2: Anticipate Ruptures by Staying Calm in the Face of Resistances and Roadblocks

Intervention 27-3: Anticipate Ruptures When Working with Partners with a Trauma History

Intervention 27-4: Anticipate Ruptures by Monitoring the Therapist’s Own Negative Reactions

CHAPTER 28 SOLIDIFYING GAINS AT TERMINATION: PROMOTE REFLECTIVE FUTURE PLANNING IN LIGHT OF REVIEW OF THERAPY

Figure 28-1: Figure in Termination Report Reporting the Results of Relationship Closeness Before Therapy (darker pillars) and After Therapy (lighter pillars)

Intervention 28-1: Three Questions at Termination

Intervention 28-2: An Example of a Final Termination Report

Intervention 28-3: Joshua Memorial or Graduation Ceremony

Intervention 28-4: Post-Therapy Assessment

CHAPTER 29 REACHING A PRODUCTIVE CONCLUSION: HEED THESE TAKE-HOME MESSAGES