Dr. Linda's Comedy Marriage Boot Camp (eBook)

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Alien

If you motor through Roswell, New Mexico, you’ll see billboards everywhere with pictures of UFO’s and cute little tiny aliens. What on earth does this have to do with a long and happy marriage, you may ask?

Well, get ready. Here goes... it’s stranger than fiction, but it’s all true! Envision the beautiful Kate Hudson in “Skeleton Key,” sobbing on the phone, “It’s real...it’s all real!”

Yep, in this context, it’s your very own horror movie! Because, dear reader... take our word for it! When you very least expect it, you will innocently go to sleep one night, then wake up the next day in panic and dread, because you’ll realize that you are married to a bona fide alien.

Never mind that you and your beloved grew up in the same town, perhaps you are both the same race and religion, the same approximate age, plus you share similar ideological beliefs... none of this matters! None....muahahahah!

Don’t even think you’re above it, because no one is! Even the Queen went through this. Which queen, you ask? All of ‘em! Every queen in history, that’s who! All the royalty, and common folks as well. It’s unbelievably tragic, yet comical, and it would be even funnier if it just happened to other people, not to you as well!

Here’s the full scenario: You first meet your beloved. They are wonderful, handsome, beautiful, sexy, kind, and interesting. You then fall madly, passionately in love with this most glorious creature. You are so dang crazy about them, it’s as though heaven and earth conspired to bring them directly into your life. You aren’t merely on cloud nine, nope, you’re on cloud ten trillion!

Your beloved is the most perfect, insightful, considerate, romantic, adorable, incredible, lovable, sexy person on the entire planet. You’re in such lust and such love it’s a wonder you can even sleep at night. You then get married and you’re living on a radiant, puffy cloud of sheer joy and ecstasy.

Then, a few years go by. Maybe your partner’s creepy little habits have gotten to you, or perhaps they did something really big and idiotic. Either way, at some point in your marriage, you sadly come to realize your partner is dumb, strange, weird or all three.

You then look at them in horror and you think miserably to yourself, “Oh dear God, I married an alien!”

If, in reading this, you’re nodding knowingly, with a resigned, tragic expression on your face, chances are excellent you’ve been married for a little while.

If you have no idea what we’re talking about whatsoever, you’re adorable, and you’re probably fresh-faced and haven’t yet even unpacked from your honeymoon.

Something your spouse does or says will make you truly believe you’re living with a creature who originated from another planet entirely! Like in one of those B+ horror movies from the 50s, you are actually wed to an extra-terrestrial!

Here are a few possible statements a husband or wife might make when they become excruciatingly aware they’ve joined forces with someone from outer space.

For the sake of convenience, let’s just use the pronoun “he.”

“He’s an alien!”

“He’s so Goddamn weird! Where’d he get such a crazy idea? Not on planet earth, that’s for sure!”

“What kind of a space invader did I marry anyways?”

“What the hell was he thinking? He must be from Planet Mars.”

Or, my personal favorite: “What fucking planet is he from anyways?”

No matter how many similarities you and your spouse may share, nonetheless, the harsh reality is this: you both grew up in totally dissimilar households, with different parents and distinctly separate lifestyles.

No matter how much you love someone, these facts are as inescapable as “The Creature From the Black Lagoon.”

Then, to further complicate matters, there may be many more cultural differences to overcome. Your spouse may have also grown up with substantially more or less money than you did, or different beliefs about money. These all can also cause major challenges.

Hundreds of married folks were interviewed for this book. When the pathetic and sorry topic of being wed to an alien arose, everyone, without exception, admitted that they had encountered planet Mars sometime during their years of wedded bliss.

So just know with absolute certainty, that one day you’ll look at your beloved and you will see an Android or if you’re not so lucky, maybe even a little Martian. By the time you’ve celebrated your second wedding anniversary, you may, in fact, think you are driving through Area 51 every sad sack day.

But just stick it out, and the feeling shall pass, well, at least until next time.

No one can promise that you will really ever get over that “wed to an alien” feeling.

So, be realistic about your differences. Know going into it that you two are from entirely different planets.

Also, be pragmatic. If you ditch your spouse when you discover their space invader status, you will then spend a virtual fortune on divorce. One day, you’re likely to remarry, only then after awhile, to discover in horror that your new spouse is an extraterrestrial too, just in new, state-of-the-art ways.

Without a doubt, finances are one of the most challenging “Area 51” zones that married folks must navigate just like a loaded mine field.

Here’s a case in point. Becky and Tyler had been married for three years; they were in their late 20s, and had meticulously planned out their lives together. Their objectives and goals for the future were perfectly in sync. They’d known one another since high school. Tyler felt he understood Becky better than anyone in the entire galaxy.

This couple dreamed of owning their own home. They’d been saving since their wedding day, and were only one year away from reaching this monumental goal. Once they’d bought a house, they’d immediately begin trying to have a baby. Their goal was for Becky to have all of their 2.5 planned children before she turned 34.

Both Becky and Tyler drove modest, practical cars. Tyler didn’t care what he drove, but Becky did especially admire flashy sports cars.

One weekend, Tyler left early Saturday morning for a fishing trip. Becky planned to spend the day with her single girlfriend, Rachel. Rachel was very spontaneous, quite a sharp contrast to Becky, who’d always been so sensible. Two months earlier, Rachel had quit her job on impulse and had traveled throughout Asia for six weeks.

Rachel planned to take Becky along with her to look at a new Mustang she wanted to buy. Becky casually mentioned this to Tyler when they spoke on the phone as he was driving to the lake, but he didn’t think anything of it. After all, Becky was just going along for moral support; to prevent Rachel from buying something she couldn’t afford.

Imagine, if you will, Tyler’s shock and dismay when he returned home Sunday night. There on their driveway, in all its gleaming splendor, was a brand-new, top-of-the-line, bright red Mustang GT. Scarlett (for Becky had already christened her) had all the bells and whistles and was absolutely beautiful. Every gleaming inch displayed luxury and speed.

Apparently, Rachel had been turned down for poor credit; Becky had not. Becky had zoomed off the dealership lot in her new $65,000.00 ride because a) her credit was impeccable and b) she’d written a check from their house savings account for $9,000.00.

Tyler was speechless... he was beyond livid. She’d taken the money out of their house account, and saddled them with five years’ worth of $954 per month car payments.

Tyler couldn’t believe his practical, frugal wife would have gone and done something like this. Furthermore, Becky adamantly refused to even consider returning the car.

“You do realize,” Tyler told her furiously, “this means now it will take us at least two more years, maybe three, before we can buy a house.”

Becky said that now she wasn’t in that big of a hurry to buy a house. She also told Tyler she’d decided not to have kids so young. Plus, she wanted the two of them to go to Asia and Europe before starting a family.

Becky stated all of this with absolute calm and certainty. However, it must be said that her eyes were slightly glazed over as she stroked Scarlett’s leather interior and began talking about personalized license plates.

To say that Tyler was experiencing shock would be to put it quite mildly. He was now entering what is commonly known in married circles as “the alien nation.”

Tyler became short of breath and felt a strange buzzing in his ears. He had the eerie sensation that over the weekend, while he was obliviously fishing for marlin, his dependable little Becky had been transformed by weirdo body snatchers into an Android.

There was actually a very reasonable explanation for Becky’s sudden alien behavior. Every minute of every day, she’d always done the practical thing. She’d lived at home and commuted to college, even though she’d wanted desperately to live on campus, because her folks had said it was too expensive. She’d missed out on studying abroad because her grandma had been elderly and her mom had needed help caring for her. She’d wanted desperately to go to interior design school, but had become a nurse instead, because Tyler had told her it was the...