Marriage, Relationships and Toxicity (eBook)

Ah, the road to marriage! This may be a long road for some people and a short trip for others. Either way, it is a journey that should not be taken for granted. A lot of thought and preparation need to be invested in this journey. When you go on a road trip and you know you will be traveling for hours, you will bring along or make provisions to ensure you have a safe and comfortable trip. Surely you will need fuel, or, you will need to ensure that your vehicle is adequately charged.

You will be careful not to run out of gas or charge. You may need food or snacks, soft drinks, and water. You may require music to entertain you, a companion for company, or someone to help you drive on the trip. There are various ways you can prepare for the journey. So, for your journey into marriage or forming a relationship, would you neglect making preparations for what is probably the most important journey of your life? I hope not. It would be wise for you to prepare sufficiently for it. What do you want from your marriage or relationship? You need to be able to articulate what you expect and not sell yourself short.

Erica Pandey, author of Axios Finish Line, in her article titled “America the Single,” cites a recent study by the National Center for Family & Marriage Research (NCFMR), which showed that marriage rates in the United States have declined over the past fifty years by approximately 60 percent. “The study attributes this decline to the erosion of societies’ pressure to marry,” said Andrew Cherlin, Professor of Sociology and Public Policy at Johns Hopkins University, “and the decline in the formal benefits of marriage.” He further states that the option to marry is delayed in favor of people wanting to “finish their education, find a job, and pay off their debt before getting hitched.” The study claims that there are advantages for married couples in terms of taxes and other legal structures. (Cherlin, 2023, as cited in Pandey, 2023).

I’ve heard that love is all that is important. Not true. There are so many more things to consider besides love. Things like finances, commonalities, values, cultural differences, and respect for one another. Some people will try to control you with their money, status, possessions, and other things. Do not let them. You are worth so much more than any of those things. This could be an indication of a toxic relationship.

Do not ever go into any situation with doubt and unanswered questions. Another thing: don’t assume that your relationship will always be solid and stable. There may be occasions when you feel the ground is shaky and unsteady. Your faith in yourself or the other person may be challenged, and you feel unsure about your future. If this happens, talk to the other person about it; they may be feeling a similar way. This is a start, and remember, if you cannot talk frankly or honestly to the person you are closest to, then you may have a serious problem.

There will be times when you may not know what to do or how to think about a particular situation. If you go into marriage with the idea of living happily ever after, then you are in for a rude awakening! Nothing stays happy forever—nothing! You need to expect that there will be times when you may ask yourself if you’ve made the right choice, if you’ve chosen the right person for you, or if you are the right person for them.

In a marriage or relationship, doubts may arise from time to time. If you realize this early on, then you will not be caught off guard when it happens. It is a sad thing when the wedding ceremony is the only most memorable and best thing about being married. Of course, for most, the wedding is stressful, exciting, and joyous! Marriage can be this way, too. There will be times when you may feel your happiest and exciting self, and there may be times that will be stressful and doubtful.

We don’t get to do a rewrite or do-over; we can do-over only some aspects of our lives, but these will never be completely like they were earlier, no matter how hard we try. Things change as time goes on; people change, and we change. So, my hope in writing this book is to get you to look at yourself and ask if what you are going through in a relationship is making you comfortable or creating anxiety and stress for you. Truly notice the signs that are presenting themselves to you and do not take them for granted. Use your intuition as a guide and be careful of only following your heart. You may have heard the saying, “The heart wants what the heart wants.” Yeah, that may be true, but the heart should not be your only guiding force when it comes to relationships. This is serious business and not to be taken lightly.

I have seen and counseled many couples who were in toxic relationships and have said, in retrospect, that if only they had taken the time and really looked at their partner, spouse, or fiancé, they would have made a different choice! These people were ruled by their love for an individual, and many jumped into the relationship too soon. They, unfortunately, have had bad experiences that have traumatized them for life. Based on those bad experiences, they are reluctant to form another relationship or commit to anyone again.

When I hear someone say, “You can save your marriage or relationship all by yourself,” I just want to scream, “No, you cannot!” That is absurd! Why would you want to knock your head against the wall when the other person isn’t even trying or doesn’t care if the marriage survives at all!

If they cared, you wouldn’t have to do all the work of saving your marriage by yourself. They would be a willing participant. Their lack of commitment toward making the marriage work and being successful shows you how much they believe in the survival of your marriage. Perhaps they just do not care enough to make an effort to ensure that it is successful.

One spouse shouldn’t have to work themselves to exhaustion just to save something that probably isn’t worth saving. Yeah, I said it! Think about it. You are spending most of your energy and time on something that you can never recover in your attempt to save something that isn’t going to work! Who wants to be in a marriage or relationship that is unproductive and shows no promise of vitalization? Going through something like this can be viscerally unsettling.

I am here to offer insight into ways you can enhance your marriage or relationship, or even save it! I hope to also help free you from toxic ones. There are signs that can alert you when you are facing a dilemma. I want you to use your intuition and take notice of the signs because they are all around you. Use them to help you. Read the following accounts and see if any of them resonate with you. You may find a commonality between their accounts and something you are experiencing right now or something you have already experienced. Maybe you know someone who can be helped by looking for these signs! This is meant to help you, not determine your course of action; it is solely up to you what you choose to do with the information that I present to you.

Also, it is wise to know that every marriage or relationship cannot be saved! So, prepare yourself as best you can and treat the other person respectfully and fairly. I do not want you to be on edge about your relationship. I just want you to be as open-minded and observant as possible so that you can make good decisions concerning your life. It happens to us all at one time or another when we let our hearts rule our thinking and we forget to look at the little things that may be right in front of our eyes. With that said, let’s get to the big question of why people marry, or why some choose not to marry.

Why Do People Marry?

Why do people marry? People marry for various reasons. Some marry for love or companionship and/or for financial support and some through arranged marriages and many others for convenience of some kind. Others may think that they are getting older and that it’s time to settle down. This is our society’s way of maintaining the institution of marriage and ensuring the population of its citizens. It is neither right nor wrong. Just know that marriage isn’t the right choice for everyone.

Honestly, some people would make horrible spouses. The news is replete with horrendous acts committed in the name of marriage or even in relationships, for that matter. Those individuals would be better left alone. The reasons may vary. Whatever the reason, the problems or situations may be the same. On the other hand, some people may choose not to marry, and that’s fine too. No one should be judged on their choice—whether to marry or remain single. Actually, many single people are happier than those who are married. It depends on the individuals and their choices in whom they desire to spend their time with.

Why do we think we have to be with a certain person just because we may have some kind of attraction to them? We form a false allegiance to someone whom we hardly know and feel that we owe them some kind of debt just because we’ve been on a couple of dates or had a few good times together. Are we that limited in our thinking, or do we just think we have so few choices? Either way, we sell ourselves short and end up with less than we deserve. We deserve the best possible person for us. We shouldn’t settle for the first person who comes along and says, “I love you.” Nor should we feel responsible for that...