Fearless By Choice (eBook)

Chapter 2 -
Giving Birth to Fear

When my son Nikolas was learning how to walk, I often watched him in amazement. It didn’t matter how many times he fell down or crashed into a piece of furniture – nothing got in his way. He wobbled his little legs and walked as fast and as long as he could. Some days he would fall twenty times and only manage to walk a short distance but that didn’t matter. He got back up every single time as though it was no big deal. Even if he cried after falling on his face, he would quickly bounce back and try again. I have to admit, this was all pretty funny to watch at times, but I see now that it also serves as a beautiful lesson for us all.

You see, Nikolas didn’t learn how to walk by second-guessing himself or wondering what others would think of him. He wasn’t embarrassed of his wobbling or insecure about his stance. He stood proudly in his imperfection! He had a goal and there was nothing and no one who could stop him. He was what so many of us aren’t…. completely and totally fearless.

Children are born with this crazy, psycho idea that they are amazing. They come into this world believing that everything is possible. Whatever they want, they can get. The idea of “no” is viewed as a mere temporary inconvenience – not a definitive answer. In their eyes, they are unstoppable and anyone who tries to stop them is a nuisance. When children focus on learning a new skill, they become laser focused with a determination like no other. Danger doesn’t exist. Logic seems ridiculous. Patience is a luxury. There’s a goal in mind and that is all that matters. It’s all amazing to watch, isn’t it?

Now, what makes a child any different from you or me? Why is it that they are able to navigate through the world as the fearless leader of their own destiny, but we can’t walk up to our boss and ask for a 2% raise? It’s simple, really. Children have not yet experienced the world the way we have as adults. They haven’t been tainted by negative experiences and so they enter the world as confident, secure, ambitious creatures with nothing to lose. You, on the other hand, have lived long enough to have experienced criticism, jealousy, resentment, self-doubt, etc. You’ve come across people who have put you down, questioned your abilities, called you names, laughed at your dreams, and made you wonder whether you really were amazing. You are tainted.

To release fear from your life, you must first dig into its origin so you can fully appreciate its power. Where did fear come from for you? When did you stop dreaming? Who was the first person to teach you to slow down, stop, be careful, and be “sensible?” You see, denying it or pushing it to the side will not serve you and it won’t help you design the life you want for yourself. We try to convince ourselves every day that we are doing the best we can do when in reality, we are missing out on our full potential because we are scared shitless. It’s time to dig in, be brutally honest with yourself, and find out what went wrong. At what point did you become this person that accepts things as they are instead of fearlessly navigating through your goals with a vengeance?

In most cases, fear starts in childhood. That is where we first discover how the world operates and what is expected of us in school, at work, within our family structure, and society as a whole. We know that caregivers play a major role in shaping our personalities – we rely on them to teach us whether or not we are valuable as human beings. We depend on them to teach us whether the world is a safe place. We look to our caregivers to instill in us everything we might need to be successful adults and professionals. Sometimes (through no fault of our own) things go wrong. Hear me out…

Messages around self-worth

For adults to become fearless, they need to have received certain messages in childhood that affirm how worthy they are of happiness, success, and love. These messages should be delivered consistently, making the child feel that they are powerful and important contributors to the world. This helps to develop a foundation for self-confidence and (you guessed it!) fearlessness. Think about it. If you grow up feeling that you are amazing and wonderful, you’re more likely to go after anything you want because your confidence is screaming, “Yes! I got this! I can do it.” There are literally no limits to anything in this life because you see yourself as invincible and worthy of having it all. You see life challenges as bumps in the road instead of a series of hopeless disasters.

Some kids didn’t have the privilege of growing up this way. They grew up being told constantly to be quiet. They were told that their ideas were dumb, and their dreams were ridiculous. Some of my coaching clients have shared childhood stories of their parents calling them names when they would try something new. “That’s not gonna work. Stop being stupid.” “Watch out. Be careful. Stop doing that.” Wow. Just, wow. It’s no wonder these kids grew up to become adults who played it safe, never took risks, and lived a life of mediocrity. A life where anything is possible can’t happen if you weren’t taught to see yourself as grand.

Listen, I’m not saying you should blame your parents for how your life turned out. All I’m saying is that it’s helpful to understand how our upbringing shaped you as an adult. At the end of the day, you’re not a victim. It’s up to you to become the person you want to be. I know it’s easier said than done but understand that your parents don’t get to decide how you see yourself today. Your third-grade teacher doesn’t control how you speak about yourself during a business meeting. Your mean babysitter doesn’t control whether you start your business or run for President. None of these individuals get to dictate your self-worth, your commitment to yourself, or your ability to demolish every goal you set for yourself. Most parents instill in their children what was instilled in them and sometimes that’s scary and ugly. But that was then, and this is now. Time to step it up.

So, I ask you. What messages did you receive as a child and how have they affected your self-worth? Were you taught to see yourself as powerful and amazing or were you taught to stay quiet and accept a limiting view of yourself? Repeat after me:

“I am a wonderful, amazing person. I deserve happiness and success just as much as anyone else. I am important and my voice matters. I’ve got this!”

Messages about the world

As children, we learned early on about the world we live in and what to expect from people. Through our caregivers and our experiences, we received messages that impact our ability (and willingness) to let go of any perceived limitations in order to navigate through life as a fearless warrior. One of the first messages we receive is around trust. Is the world a safe place? Can I trust other people? What will life give me if I take a risk? Is there a world of opportunity out there or will I get shut down if I think outside the box? As children, we are born assuming that the world is safe and full of amazing opportunities. You know this to be true if you’ve ever seen a toddler run through a parking lot or act out an elaborate story about dragons and superheroes. My son Nikolas has told me stories about his quest to take over the world with Spiderman on numerous occasions and each time, his eyes light up and I swear I can hear his heart racing through his chest. There’s no fear. There’s no logic or reason. There’s this attitude of, “The world is mine and there’s nothing I can’t have!” Somewhere along the way, we learned to slow down. We were trained to “be careful” and “proceed with caution.” We were taught to play by the rules and not trust what’s out there. The idea of fear and playing small was imprinted in our mind to keep us safe but in reality, it did the opposite. It taught us to live a nice life with limited risks and never-ending boredom. “Better safe than sorry!” Complete bullshit.

What do you think this way of thinking does to your brain, your mind, and your soul as you grow up? What do you suppose it does to the way you think, the decisions you make, the goals you set for yourself? I’ll tell you. It destroys everything, including your hopes and dreams. It makes you think small – never going beyond your comfort zone and never taking risks.

We treat the world like the uncle we don’t trust who has come to visit during Christmas. We smile. We’re polite… but we keep our distance and never totally trust their intentions. There is, as I mentioned earlier, a light at the end of the tunnel. Even if you were trained to fear the universe and the people in it, you are now in a position to throw all that shit into the trash and make the world work for you.

The universe doesn’t get to dictate how successful you become. You must look the world in the face and say, “you’re mine!” Then, commit to creating a life for yourself that you can be proud of – a life that is ridiculously amazing, crazy, and limitless.

The world, in fact, is beautiful and open to giving you all that you want and so much more, but you have to believe in it.

Imagine the world opening its arms to you, inviting you to fully experience everything it has to offer. This is the mindset that wealthy people have. This is how happy...