Spare Me 'The Talk'! (eBook)

Chapter 3
Body Issues and Body Image

Body Issues

Penis size: A lot of people who have a penis can become obsessed with it — its habits, its behaviors, and its size. A penis is the very first toy some guys get, and we play with it all our lives. We do target practice when we pee; maybe write our names in the snow. A shockingly large percentage of people with a vagina report having never even seen their own, but a person and their penis can be bonded, lifelong friends – it’s the first thing we notice in the morning, and most of us fall asleep at night holding it and twitching our feet. We protect our penises with our lives.

This relationship can also come with a price, and that price is called “boner shame.” There are scams in the world that prey on insecure people’s fears about the size of their penises. These include pills or patches, exercises, and weird suction devices. None of these works, and the only way to enlarge a penis is with surgery to sever the ligaments that anchor the base of your penis to your pelvis. This allows the penis to hang freely, giving it the appearance of being longer (but also giving the appearance of a cucumber hanging in a sock). This surgery sacrifices stability — and sometimes the ability to stay erect — for a bit of perceived extra length.

Most guys do not have a realistic idea of how big the average penis is. Outside of the locker room (where the penises are not usually erect), the only other erect penises most people have seen (besides their own) have been in porn. There is a reason that a lot of those guys are in the porn business - and it is not their acting ability. And a lot of porn stars who have not been naturally endowed by the benevolent universe have had things done to their penises, like that scary, cucumber surgery I mentioned earlier.

The perspective with which we see our own penises is limited, and nothing like what anyone else sees. Yes, even that picture you took with your phone is a distorted image. P.S. Stop doing that – if you are under 18, and thinking of sending it to anyone, it is likely illegal (see chapter 31).

Regardless of what they look like when they’re flaccid (soft), nine out of ten penises are basically the same length when erect (hard). The average penis is about 5.16 inches when erect10. But even knowing that may not help much, because almost everyone with this book and a penis has gotten out a ruler at some point, only a handful will have measured the exact same way each time. To be clear (and in case you were wondering), the scientists measure on the top side.

To make things even more complicated, there are two different kinds of penises: “growers” and “showers.” A shower is long when it is soft and does not increase much in length as it becomes erect. A grower is shorter when soft and increases much more (sometimes doubling or tripling in length) as it gets erect. It is estimated that almost 80%of penises are growers.11 But whether grower or shower, most penises are still about 5 inches when erect. In fact, only 5 out of every 100 people who can have erections have one more than 6 inches12.

For those of you that have a smaller penis (or worry that you have one), being on the smaller side is an opportunity to get creative and good at all the other fun and sexy things that your partners probably enjoy more than having your penis inside of them. Whether your penis is small, huge or like most - somewhere in between, it’s a good idea to get good at that stuff).

Being too large has its own limitations. More-endowed guys are as self-conscious — and get their self-worth wrapped up in their penises — just as much as people with regular, human-sized ones. Larger guys can also have trouble finding condoms that fit and can have problems with partners trying to accommodate them - whether in a vagina, an anus, or even a mouth.

In reality, the typical vagina only measures about 3 inches long when not sexually excited and, when it is, it is usually only an inch or so longer.13 Likewise, the prostate is located only about 3 inches inside a bum, and anyone can reach the back of their own throat with one of their fingers. This means that pretty much any penis will fit in pretty much any vagina or anus or mouth. There is no normal size when it comes to penis size or shape. Nor is there a normal size when it comes to vagina size or shape. Try to remember that for most people, satisfying sexual experiences have very little to do with the size of the organ and a lot more to do with what (and whom) you do with it.

Speaking of penis shapes. One major difference with penises is whether they have foreskin or have been circumcised. Circumcision is a surgical procedure in which the foreskin is cut off or removed from a penis. In Jewish culture, it is a religious ritual, symbolizing an outward sign of a person’s compact with God. Whether for religious reasons or not, this procedure is most often done shortly after birth.

Nonreligious circumcision in English-speaking countries arose in the mid-1800s, in a climate of negative attitudes toward sex — especially masturbation. In the United States, the medical rationale for circumcision was originally to control “masturbatory insanity”—a whole bunch of various mental disorders and physical illnesses which were incorrectly blamed on masturbation.14

Since then, circumcision has been similarly (though wrongly) encouraged to prevent all kinds of diseases and conditions — everything from epilepsy, insanity, tuberculosis, and spinal paralysis to hip dysplasia and sexually transmitted infections (STIs). In the 1950s, circumcision was believed to prevent cancer, and since the 1980s, HIV/AIDS has been the growing justification for circumcision.15 The reality is that the United States has one of the highest rates of male circumcision AND also one of the highest rates of HIV infection in the developed world16, suggesting that being circumcised doesn’t make a difference.17

Circumcision is relatively rare worldwide (approximately 16% in Britain18), and has become less popular in recent years, as more and more people have come to see circumcision as a painful and unnecessary surgery. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), the circumcision rate in America has plunged to its lowest point since World War II19—with almost half of all babies with penises being released from hospitals with their foreskins intact.

Smegma is a white, cheesy substance that can collect under the foreskin of uncircumcised penises. It’s composed of bacteria, yeasts, urine, and dead skin cells. It starts to develop at an early age and can occur all through the life of a guy who is not circumcised. If smegma is allowed to build up, it can cause irritation and soreness. The penis’s foreskin becomes retractable at different ages for different people (anywhere from ages two to eighteen). It’s important to pull the foreskin back when bathing and make sure the area is clean and rinsed.

Blue balls refers to a localized pain in the testicles that can happen if blood flow to the penis (which is what makes it get hard) lasts too long. The ache

Some people with penises use this pain to try to persuade others to have sex with them. This is a dick move – literally. If it’s that bad, you can take care of it yourself, if you know what I mean. (You know what I mean.)

Jock itch, scientifically known as tinea cruris, is a fungal infection of the groin region. This infection thrives in warm, damp environments — such as tight, sweaty, or rubbing clothing (such as a jockstrap)—which allow the fungus to grow out of control. Fungus from other parts of the body (such as tinea pedis or “athlete’s foot”) can also contribute to jock itch, which causes an itching or burning sensation in the genital and surrounding areas. Affected areas may appear red or brown, with flaking, peeling, or cracking skin. Mycosis infections, another name for fungal infections, are commonly treated with antimycotics (antifungal drugs).

Indirect transmission may also occur as the fungi can survive on bed linens, towels, and articles of clothing for long periods of time. To help prevent this type of infection, do not share unwashed towels, clothing (especially underwear), or bed linens that have not been washed. Good hygiene is always a good thing, and in this case means keeping these areas clean and dry by bathing regularly and wearing loose cotton underwear (boxer briefs are your friends!), which is changed every day.

Urinary tract infections, or UTIs (also called cystitis or bladder infections), are due to bacteria infecting the urethra or bladder, rather than yeast. Anyone can get a UTI, but though these infections are considered mostly a vagina thing because the urinary tracts associated with vaginas are shorter than those associated with penises and are in closer proximity to the anus and other sources of...