Chapter 1
The Back Story (Rising from the Embers)
“Love is something far more than a desire for sexual intercourse; it is the principal means of escape from the loneliness which afflicts most men and women throughout the greater part of their lives.”
– Bertrand Russell
If you are reading this book, you are either single and looking to meet someone, or in a committed relationship—either way, I suspect you are yearning to form a deeper sexual connection and intimacy with your partner. That lack of connection can impact your relationship at any age, but it doesn’t have to!
I am EXCITED to share my sexual journey with you. Why? Because at age 64, I am having the most incredible sex of my life! If you aren’t enjoying that same connection and you are wondering if it is simply out of reach, I assure you that it is not!
For many years, I was a married man having what many people refer to as “vanilla” sex, which is largely characterized as just the bare minimum, using the least amount of time, effort and creativity, to get one or both of you off— with little or no extras. At the time, I didn’t know there was any other way to do it. I was raised in the church and later came to become a pastor. Sure, I enjoyed it, but for me, sex was primarily for making babies. I was a devout lifetime Christian and faithful to my God, church, and community.
However, the Rich of today is vastly different from the man I was in my 20s through my 40s. I have grown up intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, and sexually. BIG TIME!!!
In this book, I want to share my journey with you. I was an inexperienced and perhaps ignorant man when it came to alternate forms of lovemaking. At the time, I thought I knew how to please my partner. But now I realize I didn’t have a clue! Having been married for so many years, when I got divorced, I was not 100% confident about meeting new women in social settings, and incredibly uncertain about how to form new and meaningful connections in light of the fact that my connection with my wife had fallen apart. The dating world had changed significantly over the past few decades, and I was concerned, because I had “no game.” I realized that in order to get “game,” I was going to have to explore and come to a deeper understanding of who I was and what I wanted out of my next relationships.
I committed myself to this journey of discovery, forcing myself to get out there and meet new people. That wasn’t easy. I had to deal with my anxiety and confidence issues. But I overcame these challenges, because the prize for me was having great sex and intimacy that would take me to a new level of pleasure and satisfaction.
During my journey, I made new acquaintances and formed friendships. I attended groups and spent time with communities focused on topics that piqued my curiosity. My broad-minded approach allowed me to check my ego at the door so that I could learn how to truly pleasure a woman and satisfy myself in the process. I was open to new experiences and people, gaining an entirely new community that I liked, respected, and trusted. As a result, I learned to embrace my wild, curious, and kinky side. Who knew a former pastor could be kinky?
I’m going to share these experiences with you in hopes that you, too, embrace new experiences that make you and your partner (current or future) happier than you’ve ever been before.
Strap in and enjoy the ride my friends!
“Strictly speaking, there are no real substitutes for sexual satisfaction.”
– Dashiell Hammett
IMAGINE IF YOU COULD HAVE THE SEX LIFE YOU DESIRE
Life can be challenging—education, careers, finances, mortgages, marriage, children, divorce, deaths, etc. There are so many things in life that weigh you down and cause you to give up on your dreams—no matter how big or small. If you have been married and divorced, I’m sure your confidence and faith in relationships may have taken a beating. As a result, I’m guessing you may not have experienced genuine pleasure in your sex life. No matter if you are 40 or 70, you still have desires that deserve to be satisfied. This chapter is about exploring what your desires might look like. Then, after fully identifying what you truly want to explore, I will help you open up to what’s possible for you and put a plan in place.
My goal for you is to begin your journey of self-exploration by identifying where you are and where you want to be. For instance:
•What is the current state of your sex life?
•How often do you have sex?
•Is it satisfying for you and your partner?
•How do you know it’s satisfying to your partner?
•How do you want to feel about your sex life?
•What are the adjectives that describe your emotions of sex?
•What type of sex or connection do you want?
•Are you looking for passion and deep connection?
•Are you craving mind-blowing orgasms?
•Are you ready to venture into something more exciting?
Imagine you are like a kid in a candy store: there are so many options that you don’t know what to choose. There are so many candies that you don’t recognize because you’ve never eaten them before. Where to start? You just need to decide what you want and try one at a time!
Think about your sexual history:
•First, determine how vibrant your sex life is now.
•How about before marriage and kids?
•Did you have hot and heavy sex in your teens, 20s, and 30s?
•What was it about sex during that period in your life that made it satisfying?
•Were you sneaking out late at night or having sex in cars? If so, engaging in risky behavior likely made it more exciting.
•Or maybe your lovemaking was purposeful and planned with a romantic setting. But, again, different environments and stimuli work for people differently.
To help determine what stimulates you (or floats your boat), answer these questions. I encourage you to journal while reading this book, as it will help you identify how specific topics make you feel (e.g., excited, curious, disgusted).
Consider the following questions to help you with your self-exploration:
•What are your fantasies?
•Do you feel free enough to express your fantasies to your partner?
•What experiences would you like to sexually explore?
•What is stopping you?
•What are you waiting for—to get older?
•If not now, when?
My Current Sex Life
My sex life now is very active, to say the least. However, I have a primary partner that I see two or three times a week. My partner and I have profound, deeply passionate sexual encounters, typically lasting two or three hours. You heard me! My partner and I like to lovingly embrace and explore sexual activities and practices, bearing us wonderful, euphoric, loving, passionate, spiritual, and multiple full-body orgasms together.
Additionally, I may occasionally have an intimate sexual rendezvous with different people within my polyamorous relationships. Don’t freak out. I’ve come to understand that there are different types of relating. And polyamory is a way that seems to work for me. My polyamorous relationships are profoundly intimate and passionate, not frivolous sexual encounters or “hook-ups.” People in polyamorous relationships want to have loving, passionate, safe relationships that connect and heal.
You may be wondering if my partner is aware of my polyamorous relationships—or if she, too, is “poly.” She’s not at this point, but she’s open to exploring it. She knew that I was ethically non-monogamous from the beginning, as I am fundamentally opposed to the concept of cheating. It is much better being upfront, honest, and authentic in expressing our truths. And over the past two years that we’ve been together, I’ve been explaining what ethical non-monogamy/polyamory is about and sharing articles about the lifestyle to help her wrap her mind around it. This can be a challenging concept to grasp, particularly if you’ve been raised with traditional values, where monogamy, hence marriage, is considered to be the ideal goal for a relationship, and the de facto representation of coupledom, as far as the State, and mainline society, sees...