GRIEF AND GRATITUDE - Nancy Jalowiecki Sullivan

GRIEF AND GRATITUDE (eBook)

Embrace Your Soul's Journey to Joy, Love, and Abundance After Loss

Nancy Jalowiecki Sullivan (Autor)

eBook Download: EPUB

2023 | 1. Auflage
274 Seiten
10-10-10 Publishing (Verlag)
978-1-77277-546-4 (ISBN)

Nancy was living her dream life when her husband was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia and passed shortly after. She was left feeling alone, sad, angry, and overwhelmed. Despite her grief, Nancy chose faith, and with determination and courage worked through her grief and found happiness again. Through this book, Grief and Gratitude, Nancy uses her experiences to help others heal and rebuild themselves after the loss of a loved one.

Grief. If you have ever experienced it, or are experiencing it now, you know it has the ability to take everything you have ever dreamed of from you, if you let it. Grief and Gratitude: Embrace Your Soul's Journey to Joy, Love, and Abundance After Loss is the story of one woman's journey with grief after the loss of her baby son and her young husband. Nancy Jalowiecki Sullivan's story of courage and growth is one that will inspire you to step into life again. If you are grieving but know that there has to be more to life, this is the book for you. Nancy's engaging storytelling invites you on an adventure with her, one that will inspire you to find gratitude for your life and all it has given you. A gratitude that maybe you thought you could never feel again. It is from this place that she will ask you to embrace your own soul's journey. A journey that will find you recapturing joy, love, and abundance in your life. While it may seem hard to believe that grief and gratitude can stand alongside each other in your life, Nancy's book will prove without a doubt that it is possible. If you are ready to say yes to life. If you are ready to say yes to love. If you are ready to say yes to new experiences, maybe even adventure. But most importantly, if you are ready to say yes to YOU, then Grief and Gratitude was written for you. You will join Nancy as she takes her life back turning her grief into her ally accepting and going through it with courage. She shares how she helped herself heal through honoring the memory of her husband, by taking the trip of a lifetime, and allowing herself to find love again. Ultimately, she chose life again, and so will you. By the end of this book, you will be ready to embrace you, your life, and all of the opportunities to come with gratitude. But more importantly you will know that you are worthy of joy, happiness and all that this beautiful and abundant world has to offer. You will be ready to do all of this because Nancy engages you in your own process from beginning to end. Yes, it can seem overwhelming at first. Nancy has lived through this process more than once and has developed the tools she needed to work through her grief. In Grief and Gratitude, she generously shares these tools with you, ultimately inviting you to begin your own journey by connecting with your soul, that part of you that is pure love that protects and guides you. . In Nancy's own words:"e;Grief is a process. Yours will be different from mine. Mine will be different from that of my children. Theirs will be different from that of their friends. But with all of that said, it is a process you need to undertake. Go through it and allow it to change you. Allow yourself to cry, to scream, to be angry, to retreat from the world and to feel everything you need to feel to come out on the other side, stronger. You matter. Your life matters. Grief does not define you. Death does not define you. Life does. How you choose to live your life going forward is up to you. Only you can make the choice to live again. Only you can seek the help you need to rise up from the ashes and embrace the real you. Only you can find happiness for yourself!"e;Are you ready to choose life? Are you ready to embrace your soul's journey? Are you ready to embrace love, joy and abundance after loss? You can and you will!

As I sit to write this chapter, I am also planning a return trip to the Healing Hearts Retreat. It has been over three years since I lost Ed. In these three years, I have learned to dance again. Some days have been harder than others—some days are still harder than others—but I keep dancing; I keep remembering. This last part is important to me. Yes, I keep moving through life for myself because I am worthy, for my children because they are worthy, and for Ed, who has been the inspiration to write this book.

In this chapter, I want to share more in depth what it was like spending those last months in the hospital with Ed, and the stages of grief I experienced as he was dying, and following his death. No two experiences with death and grief will be the same; however, there are some common stages people often go through in grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

The thing to remember is that you can fluctuate between stages. Just following Ed’s death, I would jump from denial to anger to depression all in one day. Before Ed died, I did my best to stay positive. I had so much hope that something would work, that he would get better. Looking back now, I also know that I was experiencing so many emotions simultaneously. Our lives were turned upside down in an instant, never to return to the way they were before. I now realize that my grieving started upon his diagnosis.

Shock

When Ed was first diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia (AML), we both felt shocked. Nothing could have prepared us for that news. AML affects the blood and bone marrow. The conditions are generally called “acute” because the development of the illness is quick and aggressive.

When we walked into Ed’s oncologist to confirm the diagnosis, he looked at Ed with sympathy and said the normal greetings.

“I have a room ready for you, Ed.”

I could feel Ed panicking beside me. I squeezed his hand just a little tighter.

“What about if I don’t want to start the treatment right away that you are recommending?”

Without hesitation, his doctor responded, “Then you will have one to three months to live.”

We both stood there staring. Only one to three months. We thought we had decades. We had just been talking about retirement in the Dominican Republic. This could not be happening. How do you lose a whole future in just one sentence?

His doctor felt our energy and quickly added, “But with treatment, you will live longer and perhaps go into complete remission.”

“Remission?” I asked.

“Remission is when tests, physical exams, and scans show no sign of the disease.”

With tears in my eyes, I turned to Ed, “Amore, you are staying.”

“I have no choice,” he responded.

Stress

Having Ed in the hospital was a life-changing event that was both draining and stressful for us both. No longer was my life stable and predictable. I not only had to work full time, but I was now 100% responsible for the care of the girls and our dog, Panchito. On top of that, I did all of the grocery shopping, household chores, helped the girls with homework, and went with them to their school events. Life had to move forward. It was important for the girls to have as much stability as we could give them.

Ed’s first few weeks at Columbia Presbyterian hospital were hopeful. Everyone was professional, caring, and accommodating. In a short time, the bone marrow transplant unit team provided us with a lot of information, including diet restrictions and treatment plan schedules. The amount of information presented to us was much more overwhelming than we had anticipated. Yet, we continued to lift our spirits and remain hopeful, and soon his unit became our second home.

To protect Ed from exposure to germs, our daughters, Kaya and Navah, could only see their daddy once or twice per week for an hour. These visits needed to be arranged ahead of time with Ed’s social worker, Alison, who was so gentle, kind, helpful, and always available.

Ed could not hug his daughters. He would get nervous and give me a worried look when they got too close to him. I had to remind the girls that distance from their dad needed to be kept. He felt terrible that he was unable to hug or kiss them. Sometimes, when the girls needed a hug, he would compromise by just touching their backs. He would say to them all the time: “I can’t wait to heal, come home, and give you long hugs.”

I remember celebrating Ed’s 42nd birthday at the hospital with the girls, not knowing it would be the last birthday we were going to celebrate together.

Trying to Balance a New Unbalanced Life

The fact that I had to work full time, visit Ed at the hospital, and take care of our girls was a load that kept getting heavier and heavier. It was becoming increasingly clear that I was going to break, and then I wouldn’t be any good for anyone. I completed the paperwork to take a family leave and learned that it was unpaid for teachers, due to a new UFT contract, but I did it anyway. I had to.

I wanted to be able to spend more time at the hospital to provide Ed with the emotional support I knew he needed. I also felt like Kaya, Navah, and Panchito needed me even more now. I did not want work to get in the way.

Ed expressed concerns about how taking an unpaid family leave was going to affect our family financially, now that he was not working as well. Honestly, that was the last thing on my mind at the moment, but as I was getting ready to submit the application, the doctors advised me to wait to take the family leave until after Ed’s bone marrow transplant, since this was the most critical time. Ed was going to need me the most when he was sent back home. The plan was explained: Ed’s transplant was scheduled for February 26, 2019. He was going to stay at the hospital until March 30th and then come home around April 1st. I was planning to start my family leave at that time. However, things didn’t go as planned.

Go with the Flow

When someone you love is fighting for their life, “Go with the flow” is probably the last thing in the world you want to hear. If you have gone through it, you know how it feels, but you also know it is probably the only thing you can do to remain sane. Sometimes you can plan for the unexpected, but more often than not, you can’t. Let go. I had to learn the hard way that it is easier to stop trying to control a situation that is not yours to control. I had to go through the experience.

The entire time Ed was in the hospital, I felt as if I was drowning in a river of uncertainty. Ed continued developing fevers and was in need of more and more blood transfusions to stay alive. His transplant was postponed due to recurring fevers that would not cease.

I do not think there was a moment during those five months when I was not worried about my husband. I prayed constantly and looked forward to caring for him at home. We were looking forward to Daddy coming home to celebrate Navah’s 6th birthday on April 30th. Each day, I could not wait to get out of work to go to the hospital. Then, I would leave the hospital, take the train, and go pick up my daughters from the after-school program.

One day, I went to the hospital and Ed said, “Amore, I would like for you to write down the girls’ specialists’ information so that you also have it. Dr. Campalattaro is Navah’s ophthalmologist. Here is his number and address. She has a follow-up appointment in 6 months. Dr. Wolf is Kaya’s neurologist. This is his number, and she has an appointment next month.”

He started crying and said, “Amore, I am so sorry that I am not home to help you with the girls.”

“Ed, please, you are my number one priority. Please don’t worry. I will take care of the girls!”

More than ever, I wanted to be by Ed’s side. I knew that he was feeling lonely. I was upset that I had to wait for the family leave, and I needed help with the girls. I took all the babysitting help that was offered to me by my friends, relatives, neighbors, and parents in my daughter’s school community. I also got creative in finding ways to keep the girls occupied and cared for. During a talent show, the other parents jumped at the opportunity to watch the girls. I arranged playdates, which allowed the girls to be supervised while spending time with friends. I did all that I could to find more time with Ed.

On the days I was unable to find care for the girls, I could not see Ed. When this happened, I felt guilty, angry, and sad. One day, I felt this urge to go see Ed, but it was late. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had to see him. I called my sister, Glenny, and asked her to please come and stay overnight in our apartment with the girls. I wanted to be able to stay at the hospital with Ed.

Ed was feeling down and discouraged and needed emotional support. I was incredibly grateful that Glenny agreed to stay with the girls. This was the first night that I had slept away from my daughters. That night, I experienced the cruel reality of what Ed’s life had become. He did not have the opportunity to have any consistent rest as he was constantly woken up for uncomfortable tests and health checks.

By the...

Erscheint lt. Verlag	14.3.2023
Vorwort	Loral Langemeier
Sprache	englisch
Themenwelt	Sachbuch/Ratgeber ► Gesundheit / Leben / Psychologie ► Lebenshilfe / Lebensführung
ISBN-10	1-77277-546-0 / 1772775460
ISBN-13	978-1-77277-546-4 / 9781772775464

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