HIS Bride: I am HIS... He is mine (eBook)

In the Beginning...

In November 2007, I graduated as a soaring Eagle from the Ministerial Dance and Arts program, The Eagles International Training Institute under the dynamic leadership of Apostles Drs. Christopher and Pamela Hardy. I was engaged to be married to a man I thought was the one “HE kept for me.” My soaring wings were abruptly clipped… the wind was choked from my lungs… I cried a sea of tears when the engagement was called off. I was not expecting this just three days after I was commissioned to soar. Yes, I soared directly into the storm of my lifetime. It seemed that I would never, ever see the light of any day. But, now that the light has come through, so bright and clear, I cannot remember the colors of that hurricane or even the stench of its death. For eight months I was broken, torn completely apart from the inside out. Prayer, praise and worship helped me to see the truth of the storm passing. I waited anxiously and sometimes aggressively, for my suddenly to occur, as it did for so many in the Bible.

You see, my suddenly did not include marriage. I just wanted my pain to end. “I” erased the possibility of marriage from my future. In January 2008, I decided to take the vow of the eunuch that Matthew 19:12 referred to. It was just us four forever and ever: God, Jesus, Holy Spirit and little ‘ole me against this great big 'ole world. By the time this desert experience had unfolded, I had already had three failed engagements/marriage intentions in my recent past. The problem was that I listened to the still small voice in my spirit man which said, “no” to those engagements. Because I listened and obeyed, I felt that I was cheated out of my Boaz, whom “I” had picked out from my own limited, clouded understanding of what a husband was, what a husband should do and how a husband should be.

For 200+ days, I mourned not only the deaths of those relationships, but I also mourned the aborted relationship that I never had with my earthly father. Simply put, I was the surprise daughter that was unveiled during a paternal family dinner in the summer of 1989, approximately nine months before my biological father's untimely departure, due to cancer. The long-awaited announcement haunted me throughout my young adult life. The feelings of abandonment never released its hold on my psyche. As a result, whenever I had a disappointment in a relationship, those feelings returned full throttled. That was the additive to my 200+ days of mourning. The old wounds were open and new wounds were attached in the mix of my extreme disappointment. The depth of my hurt was much deeper than I could describe.

In 1 Samuel 13-15, King Saul had done many ungodly things. Even though God had given him chance after chance to redeem himself, God tried working with this unworthy vessel as the earthly king of HIS people. God grew tired of this king whom the people had chosen. So, God found a replacement king in a young shepherd named David, the youngest son of Jesse. Well, the Prophet Samuel was saddened by God's decision to remove King Saul even though the Prophet Samuel knew God was justified in doing so. In 1 Samuel 16:1, God said to the Prophet Samuel: “Why do you mourn for Saul when I have chosen another?” This phrase played sour in my head before I understood that God desired me to submit to HIS perfect will for my life. My pain was real like a two-edged sword; however, my desires were not reflective of God's desires for me. What I wanted was at the root of my tearful days and pillow-soaked nights. Deliverance after repentance were my portion to either accept or reject. That meant to repent from all ungodly vows that I had made and to be delivered from the soul ties that were choking the life out of me. Once this process had begun, my true liberty and freedom were in view.

These revelations occurred during intensive counseling sessions, prayerful discussions with Abba Father and honest conversations with some confidantes. One of those confidantes was Big G to whom I was introduced by a childhood friend. He became my prayer partner, my friend and one who would give me Godly wisdom from a man's perspective. With everyone's help, God did a new thing in me. God renewed my faith in HIM as Adonai — my Master, as El Shaddai — the many breasted one, as Jehovah Ish — my husbandman and as El Elyon — the LORD most high, who oversees everything.

God's relationship with me prior to marriage reflected my commitment to HIM. I would often say: “But I have been faithful in this task, that group or this church body and God has not blessed me yet with marriage, so I don't want it!” Well, being faithful did not predict my reward on my terms. I had to check my motives because God is not fooled. Galatians 6:7-8 Hurting people will always hurt other people intentionally or unintentionally because hurting people cannot make loving decisions. Hurting people live life through their festering wounds. My tears were no longer raging rivers, but intermittent rain falls required for my emotional healing. My fractured, esteem transformation into wholeness had come without any grand announcement....it happened suddenly just as God had promised.

On May 23, 2010, while I was preparing for my marriage to Big G, my First Lady, Pastor Beverly LaJoyce Wilson spoke the following words into my life:

Then, in the Summer of 2010, my dear sister, Minister Gina Gray, was praying with me during a prep (rehearsal) with Charisma Kingdom Arts Ministry. In her prayer, she decreed prophetically that I would write a book on preparing for a wedding for others to use as they make bridal preparations. I cherished the words that she spoke over me...I just prayed about them in secret and awaited for the Spirit to show me confirmation. So, it was during the Summer of 2010, while riding in my car that the Holy Spirit downloaded into me every chapter title that you will read and gave me the tag line that would accompany this book. It was in that suspended moment in time, I started writing....

Later, in November 2010, Pastor Prophet Phil Tarver spoke a confirming word that I must write this book on marriage because he believed that we [my husband and I] have much wisdom to share. This was weird considering Big G and I had only been married for a little less than 2 months at that time. What wisdom could we possibly have to give to someone else?

As I look back, I recall the decrees that Big G and I made over our individual lives, as well as our marriage as we prepared for the covenant ceremony on September 18, 2010. I can note the various times since our covenant ceremony that we have had to remind ourselves of the commitments that we made to each other. Not because we were having strife, but because “life happened.” From three close relatives dying within the first 4 months of our marriage to the endless attacks on our finances, we have stood the tests of life and remained faithful to HIM that united us. It was during those times that I found it extremely difficult to write anything. I was at a standstill. There was seemingly no fork in the road. I was in literary quicksand with nothing to say.

As I pressed forward to write, another prophetic word came from Prophetess Armosha Sturdivant Harris who had prophesied my first book The Priesthood of the Dance in 2005 before I even had an initial thought to write that book. She spoke the following foretelling words concerning the writing of this book that she had no knowledge:

Finally, on October 21, 2011 at the 2011 Eagles International Training Institute Summit, Prophet James Hernandez spoke these words:

It is with great humility that I free myself to speak candidly about the experiences that I have had in discovering and becoming HIS Bride.

Given that my gifting areas of singing and dancing have been operating in my life for some 40+ years now, these are the vehicles through which I worship and praise God. I do not profess to be an expert in either of these gifting areas. I am certain about the voice that God has given me to speak and write some things that are passionately resounding in the core of my being. As you journey through this book, know that Holy Spirit guided my pen to fulfill HIS purpose.

It is with great appreciation for the Creator and Giver of gifts that I present this labor of love to you, the reader. At countless points in my life, I have regretfully brought disgrace and shame to God, my Father. And to be honest, the scripture tells us that we all have sinned against Him and have fallen beneath the glory He has called us to. Romans 3:23...