This is my way (eBook)

3: Love in a Couple Relationship

I was by now completely in tune with every word Alexandre was saying. He continued, “When we speak about a couple relationship between a man and a woman, we cannot rule out the sex life, which is very important. Researchers say that in a relationship, lovemaking is only 20 percent responsible if the relationship works, but 80 percent if it doesn’t. A lot of tension and frustration get released in a sexual act.

“But eventually, to have sex without emotional involvement and love is just . . . sex, something instinctual that comes from a primitive desire. As human beings who deem ourselves as superior to animals, we should give sex a superior position, see it as a path to solidify our position of evolved beings. For a long time sex was considered taboo, something dirty—especially because of our religious prejudgments—and the purpose of sex was merely that of perpetuating the species.

“Since the earliest times, people in Far East countries have dealt with this issue completely different from how Western countries deal with it. Asian mystics say that sexual energy is the energy that helps maintain psychic balance and that it motivates us in various aspects of our lives. To have sex with love, to be open to appreciating all the qualities of one’s lover, to no longer be centered around your own pleasure—these are just some ideas from the Asian perspective about what it means to make love. When we combine carnal, base pleasure with all the other superior qualities of the human being, everything becomes magical and sex transforms into something divine, something indescribable.” I couldn’t help but think how I had never experienced what Alexandre was describing. This was so new and exciting to me!

“Another ingredient required for a healthy couple relationship is mutual respect, which could be considered as another side of love. The foundation of respect is communication. Lovers should know very well what they like and dislike for both themselves and the other and should communicate this to each other as naturally and normally as possible; thus, the couple benefits from mutual understanding. Long-lasting couples will even develop a common language and, with time, come to a mutual understanding of each other’s needs and desires. As long as there is good communication between the two, any obstacles can easily be overcome. In young relationships, especially if the two decide to live together, it is normal for certain discussions and even conflicts to arise; they should be dealt with as quickly as possible and not swept under the rug. Conflict can be resolved by employing the same magical ingredients: mutual understanding and compassion. It is like building a house: materials need a period of time to settle down, meaning that it is possible for certain temperature variations to cause a wall to swell here and there or a water pipe to break, but all these are part of a natural process.

“The great thinkers of the world say that the biggest problem in the world today is lack of communication, and this is true. It is the reason for conflicts between nations, between lovers, between co-workers, between students. If we are taught to be more tolerant, to communicate what we feel, and together find solutions that would benefit all parties, conflict would be significantly downscaled. We can even speak of negotiation: each person presents his or her own viewpoint, and by working together, a solution can be found by analyzing the benefits and the collateral losses.”

Alexandre sat back, smiled, and looked around the room. He took a short break from teaching and told us an anecdotal story. “It is said that in the beginning of a relationship, when two people are in love, they can hear music by Bach and smell the fragrance of roses in the air. The sun is always shining, and as they sit together on a park bench, she speaks, he listens. After they marry, the smell of sausage omelets fills the air, the sound of the football commentator is coming from the TV, he is on the couch in the living room, she is in the kitchen, he speaks, she listens. After several years of marriage, the sound of slamming doors and breaking dishes fills the house, the smell of the iron left on and forgotten floats through the air, she is in one end of the house, he in the diametrically opposite, both of them shouting at each other while the neighbors listen.” There followed a general laughter as the people in the room nodded in understanding. Considering the chatter in the room, it was quite obvious that they had plenty such examples in their lives.

Alexandre then returned to the day’s topic. “Communication, tolerance, love, and compassion are things that are not often learned in school, and the society in which we live does not encourage us in this respect. We learn that the stronger we are, the easier we can crush those who oppose us. From today’s perspective, competition means evolution. Our society encourages competition and rivalry in all fields in order to persuade people to use all their resources and increase the quality of their personal skills, products, and services. This idea is also reflected in the couple relationship; one of them will always be stronger, and the other will allow himself or herself to be dominated; in time, the weaker one will accumulate frustration after frustration. Eventually, the relationship will be irrevocably destroyed.

“Generally, when we want to communicate something to our partner that bothers us, we begin to accuse them and say, ‘you did this, you said that,’ and we do not express the way we felt in the moment when the other person said whatever it was that hurt us. People are different from each other; they function differently, they understand differently. Regardless of the relationship we are in, we believe our partner cannot understand what we want to communicate unless we express what we feel while we accuse our partner in the process. We will do nothing but go from one accusation to the next, from one critique to another. When we are accused of something, we have the unconscious tendency to defend ourselves, and the discussion turns into a genuine battle.

“I have encountered many people who do not know how to communicate what they feel. They often accused others, and when I would ask them what they felt about a particular situation they were facing, they would get blocked and keep accusing somebody else. The question that you always need ask yourself is, ‘What is it I feel about what occurred?’ rather than focusing on what the other person did to you. I will give an example here to be more specific.

“Two young people had been together for five years. She accuses him of being insensitive, complains that she has to do all the chores around the house and he does nothing but sit in front of the TV all day and make a mess, that they never go outside to be in nature, and so on. He complains that she is quarrelsome and always in a bad mood. After undergoing a process during which they were taught to communicate clearly, they discovered important things about each other. For example, he learned that it is important to her to have a clean house, and that if he doesn’t clean, he should at least strive to maintain the cleaning that she does. He also learned that because he ignores all her complaints, she feels neglected. She learned that it is important to him to have his own private space where he can be himself, make a mess if he’s in the mood, and that he will clean up his space. She also learned that she should consider his mood when she asks something of him (such as vacuuming, for example); this way, they avoid a big stir because she doesn’t ask him at the wrong moment. In short, he learned that she feels neglected when he doesn’t abide by certain rules of living together, and she learned that he needs his private space in order to not feel suffocated. By negotiating the measures they could take and how much each one was willing to concede, they reached solutions that worked for both of them.”

Suddenly Alexandre laughed out loud and said, “I hope we’re not getting too serious! Let me tell you another story.” There was a rustling in the room as we adjusted in our seats. He went on.

“A couple decided to go to a therapist after a few years of marriage because they were fed up with arguing all the time. When they got to the therapist’s office and sat down he asked them, ‘What is the problem?’ The husband made a long face and took a seat without saying anything. The wife began to speak nonstop, describing the problems in their marriage. After listening to her for fifteen minutes, the therapist leaned over, grabbed her by the shoulders, gave her a passionate kiss, and sat her back down. The wife just sat there, dumbstruck with pleasure. The therapist looked at the husband, who looked back, not believing his eyes. The therapist told him, ‘Your wife needs this at least twice a week!’ The husband scratched behind his ear and said, ‘Well, I could bring her here Tuesdays and Thursdays. . . . ’

“We all dream of a happy relationship, one that would bring us fulfillment and joy. In order for this relationship to become real, we require patience and even effort. We need to modify how we perceive and understand things, transform ourselves, respect the one whom we have chosen to love in order to be with them. This is easier to do if we cultivate tolerance and understanding. A relationship is based on understanding, respect, and mutual love. This transformation begins when we become aware of what a relationship really means and when we are willing to have great patience.

“I have...