On Being a Sensitive Man (eBook)

Chapter 2:
Tool #2 – Mindset

Preparing ourselves mentally

What is this chapter about? It’s about keeping the right mindset. Being an HSM is tough at times. We over think, we over feel, we over react, and generally, when things go south for us, we over retreat. It’s difficult to keep an even-keeled mindset when our overzealous neurons are firing on all cylinders. Yet I think we need to learn, and I mean learn to control some of the over-the-top emotions and thoughts that often plague the well-meaning HSM. It’s very important to acknowledge this in ourselves and to make a commitment to ourselves to reign in the Tesla coil that is our nervous system.

One of the first things we have to face is the problem of knowing too much. We observe things around us that most people don’t fathom, little bits and bytes of sensory information that keep us keenly aware of the environment. We discern subtle nuances around us, which can be useful, but they can also contribute to overwhelm our nervous system. Then there is the deep processing issue, rumination’s best friend. More input means more processing, which can exhaust us and leave us vulnerable to physical and mental fatigue and doesn’t help in the grown-up, modern world. Retreating to the cave is not always possible.

Sensory Processing Sensitivity is a recent discovery of an age-old trait. The science is not yet fully developed or the research mature. There are some great resources (Aron, Zeff, Strickland, and Cooper, to name a few), which are getting better. But at this moment, we only have broad roadmaps. There is no GPS for this trait at this time. We are all navigating the trait the best we can, sometimes via trial and error, sometimes serendipity falls into our laps, and we learn about ourselves and the trait.

When they get overworked, learning to calm our minds is, I believe, the key to being our most productive. When our minds are calm, our thoughts single thread, we can use our wonderful insights and processing capacity to be very creative. Overwhelmed, we are often locked in a spiral of emotions and self-flagellation. Teaching our minds a modicum of self-discipline, picking our battles, perhaps adding our mind filters, will help us to know when to push forward and when to retreat.

We will face moments of hurt feelings, harsh words, and harsh people—sometimes family and friends—trying to change us, compounding feelings of low self-esteem. And then we will need to learn to tame our inner critics. We are, at times, our own worst critics. Without validation, which often comes from a place outside of us, we tend to allow our recursive thinking to drag us down a long rabbit hole of self-doubt, low confidence, and even self-loathing.

It is not enough to have people understand us if, in the end, we do not understand ourselves. Self-education of the trait is key to self-understanding. Knowing tools are out there to help can make the process of growing and accepting our wonderful and mystical trait easier. Knowing which tool to use and when to use it will be a lifelong learning experience. HSPs have been around for a long time. We in the current era aren’t the first ones to pose these questions … how do I adapt, how can I endure, how do I survive?

Finding our mean selves

We live in a mean world. A lot of attention lately has been spent in the media on cyber-bullying, trolling, and the unpleasantness of just being mean. We get modeling from television shows, movies, online social media, and now from political figures who seem more content on tweeting their dislikes about everyone they disagree with than helping make substantive policy for the country. We have to be tough to survive the onslaught of maliciousness that surrounds us daily.

That can be challenging for highly sensitive people. It is not as though we don’t get angry, have tempers, or occasionally go off on somebody or something. Still, our highly empathetic natures make this difficult for us to do with impunity. We are, by nature, cautious and thoughtful people. In most cases, we have already thought through our actions even before we have set in motion a reckless reaction that stirred the initial emotion.

In the real world, situations arise where ‘meanness’ can be regarded as a sign of dominance and power. At work, especially in cutthroat corporate environments, the people most often promoted are those who display Machiavellian ruthlessness, or a willingness to play by the mean game rules that eschew cooperation or team efforts. We now generously apply the term narcissist to those who follows this strategy. And yet, they always seem to get rewarded.

All too often in the workplace, HSPs and especially HSP males, are seen to be ineffectual and go unrecognized for contributions that are likely subtle and hard to quantify. We HSPs go unnoticed or are undervalued because of our less aggressive behavior at work, our non-confrontational natures, and the perception that we are weak in traditional male-oriented work culture. It matters little that we are wise, insightful, conscientious, and typically hard working. The view that meanness and dominance demonstrate effective leadership skills in our culture defies all the research about effective management. The idea that mean-ness and man-ness are the same is truly unfortunate. Yet it shows up everywhere in our media and now in our everyday lives.

This all lies within the traditional values of our country’s ever-increasingly conservative viewpoint. It stems from the idea of a hegemonic masculinity ideal that espouses the characteristics of those who embrace traditional male role models. The gist of the belief is as follows: 1) there is a distance from the feminine—for males, unhooking from all feminine energy—2) restriction of emotions, especially those that involve tenderness, nurturing or love—an avoidance strategy—3) tough and aggressive behavior—dominance via violence—4) highly sexual aggressiveness toward women, 5) proving continuously through gesturing, posturing, or verbalization that one is sexually heterosexual, and finally, 6) emphasis on violence: physical, sexual, verbal and mental. 3

This all seems rather Neanderthal and primitive. In these modern times, with all of the survival advantages we have, you would think this would be seen as an archaic strategy for men to assume. When resources are more plentiful and survival is easier, the emphasis on masculinity tends to be less pronounced, and gender roles blur. 4Yet this still does not play out in certain elements of our society.

There are growing factions of men and women who are open to exploring and expanding the roles that males play in a rapidly changing world. The traditionalists, nevertheless, are reluctant to let go of the old male role models. Power is beginning to transfer, ground up, to a more thoughtful and nurturing clan of people. Indeed, we are in the midst of a culture war. It plays out in every aspect of our lives from politics, to social engagement, to religion, and especially in familial relationships.

The notion of masculine privilege is in serious jeopardy. While masculine privilege may have once provided some notion of benevolence, it has now been cast aside for the more defensive posture of meanness. Somehow, the distortion has come full circle. As power slips from one viewpoint to another, desperation sets in. Meanness all by itself has become a quality to which many men aspire. Yet let’s not confuse meanness with results. Meanness is not toughness. Meanness is meanness—everything we were taught not to be as children. This damn stereotype is plaguing all men, not just HSP males. It is a scourge on our society and must be extricated.

What about toughness? Is toughness something HSP men can aspire to? Absolutely. However, it depends on how you define it. Toughness is not about defining that quality in the context of the traditional male role model as mentioned above. Toughness is not about lack of feeling or emotion or dispatching a task without considering the consequences to self or others. It is not about being the baddest S.O.B. in the bar or on the field.

Dr. Tracy Cooper defines toughness as persistence, focus, determination, and consistency in the face of obstacles and pressure.5 Toughness can be measured internally with the confidence in which one proceeds to the goal—our proficiency, productivity, and perseverance. I see nothing in this definition that implies meanness or ruthlessness or forsaking HSP characteristics, however broad these HSP characteristics can be.

So, do we as HSP males need to change to conform to this unfortunate norm? Do we need to become meaner? Do we need to find our mean selves to succeed in life? In short, no. HSPs are designed for survivability. As Dr. Elaine Aron often mentions, nature created this personality type to aid in the species’ survival. We are meant to be here. As men, we are unique among males, comprising only about 20 percent of the male population. Our contributions sometimes seem subtle but important. Our place in this unique juncture in our culture is no accident. I believe we are here to guide, and yes, to lead by example. To the doubters, I say that we are tough. Tough like waves crashing against the rocky shore. With every wave, movement takes place. Something old and affixed is moved and shaped forever. It is our insights, our persistence, and our toughness that makes this happen. Yes, toughness.

We are not going to change, nor do we need to. To...