Part 1

How to Protect your Heart

Today, the media talks about  the clitoris as if it were the biggest discovery of the last century and mentions hookups with the same frequency as tips on where to get new shoes. Well-known cosmetic companies market and sell beauty products to women through slogans that state, “hookup perfect.” The movement of modern-day women’s sexual liberation is real—and, clearly, highly marketable.

It’s so real, in fact, that often, millennials and younger generations are so busy hustling from partner to partner that traditional techniques—one in which the man approaches the woman in a lengthy courtship—seem antiquated. Maybe even boring. Why do all that work when, through dating apps, the perfect lover might be just one click away? Due to career growth and busy social lives, the old “play hard to get” technique isn’t feasible—or fun—for many women anymore. Men know this, and many expect hookups to be the only thing they are ready for “at the beginning.” The truth is that we live in a fast world and want instant gratification.

So where is the problem? Mutually agreed upon casual sex seems to be freeing, empowering, and so much fun! And it is! Sex is wonderful when done right, and connecting with another human being on an intimate level is crucial for our well-being.

Yet, we know the pleasure of a one-night stand can quickly turn into torture when we become attached against our will. And although sometimes pleasure and pain go hand in hand, this is the kind of psychological pain that shouldn’t be part of our experience.

In the times of my misery and mental discomfort caused by being ignored and disregarded after hookups, I decided to observe my mind and emotions to see what was actually going on. I paid close attention to my thoughts and saw that my mood shifted depending on the stories I told myself. My feelings after a hookup went awry, ranging from awkwardness, confusion, humiliation, regret, anger, sadness, anxiety, and self-pity to emptiness, shame, and guilt.

I realized that I must shift them toward positive ones. Easier said than done, right? Don’t worry. Here, I’ve broken my insights down into the twenty-four tips you need to survive in the modern hookup culture.

Tip #1: Evaluate before you hook up

You meet him and like him, you exchange numbers and share some messages. He is reaching out to you, and you can read between the lines: he’s interested . . . in fucking you. While having drinks, you gaze deep into each other’s eyes, and you feel a familiar, sexy warmth all over your body. You agree to see him again very soon. You get so turned on by the fantasy of having sex with him that, back home, you take your favorite toy and masturbate while thinking of him.

Or, perhaps you are horny, lonely, and decide to join one of the quick and easy “dating” apps. As you swipe right and left, you’re not looking for a boyfriend—you’re looking for who might be around to “cuddle.”

The scenarios for how to meet someone for sex vary, but the ultimate goal is to have fun and bond with another human being that you’re attracted to. The main purpose of sex nowadays is pleasure and connection, and seldom procreation. This makes the decision about with whom to have sex or not much easier—but even then, it’s important to consider all aspects of the hookup up front.

Why? Because by making informed decisions, you can protect yourself from being hurt and feeling like crap afterward. The most important questions to ask yourself before your encounter are: “What is my intention with this person? What am I fantasizing about, and what do I crave?” Are you looking for sexual pleasure? Do you want a friend with benefits? Are you looking for dating or a casual lover? Are you looking for a long-term partner, as your heart craves romance? Or is your head not there yet, and all you want is to get laid?

It is really important to know and be honest with yourself. Once you know the answers, you can pick the right approach and feel good about it later. If you want sexual pleasure only, don’t wait—go for it. If you’re looking for more commitment, I recommend you take a slower approach to sex. Even if he seems impatient, let him wait. If he’s like most men, he likes the challenge.

Sadly, even in times of female sexual liberation, many men disrespect women who like casual sex and have sex with a stranger too quickly. It’s an ugly double standard, and I will talk more about it in the later chapters of this book. So, if you have a fantasy of marriage or a prince on a white horse, quickly hooking up is a bad idea. (Already slept with him? Don’t worry! There are always exceptions to the rule, and some hookups will turn into relationships. According to one survey,2 11 percent of the participants ended up in a casual romantic relationship and another 12 percent in committed monogamous relationships.)

Personally, all my relationships stemmed from casual hookups. I had no patience to wait because I’ve always been a particularly horny person, so sex on the first or second date was a norm. Another reason for this was that I don’t like bad surprises. Can you imagine waiting in anticipation for two months, falling in love with his looks and personality, only to discover that you don’t fit with the size and shape of his cock, or that he is a clumsy lover? Ouch—what a waste of time that would be.

The last and most important question to ask yourself before you hook up is: are you ready to take the risk that he will have sex with you and never talk to you again? If you don’t care about that, then have fun!

But if you thought you wouldn’t give a fuck, and then did, read further—I have more tips to help you get over it.

Tip #2: Condoms and boundaries

You decided to hook up, and you’re positive that you won’t get attached. Great, I’m with you! In this section, I want to make sure you’re taking some basic precautions and establishing your boundaries.

First, for your first date, make sure you’re safe. I don’t want this book to be a manual on how to get laid safely, and I’m sure you know many of these things, but I really have to mention it here. I care about you and repetition ensures you won’t forget about it, in spite of oxytocin tra-la-la-land.

First, find out as much as you can about him, including where he works. Check his social media to see if you have mutual friends. If you trust some of them, don’t worry about asking for references. Preferably, let some of your friends know where you’ll be and with whom. If it’s his place or your place, make sure you’re safe. I wouldn’t travel to a mountain cabin on a first date.

And bring condoms! Don’t let this task be his responsibility, because you don’t know him. Choose the ones you like to use and have them ready. STIs will be one less thing to worry about afterward.

Next, it’s time to think about your boundaries for the encounter. How do you set them? Try this: think about the act in detail. Imagine how it will make you feel to lie naked and spread your legs for him. Does it feel sexy and comfortable? What about it feels sexy? Him holding you? Him kissing you? Or him fucking you hard? Perhaps you really want to relax and let him please you orally. Think about this soberly and figure out what kind of physical connection you are comfortable with.

Before you meet him for drinks, make sure you give yourself a clear YES and write down your personal disclaimer. Something along these lines: “I know that this might be just a one-time thing, and there is a chance that he is only being charming and sweet so he can get laid. I have no expectations of him texting me, calling me, or wanting to see me again. I’m accepting this as an experience that I chose to have in my life, and I’m OK with whatever comes after. My intention is to get properly laid, fulfill my fantasy of being a [insert whatever pleases you], and let him give me at least one orgasm so I can feel rejuvenated and fulfilled afterward.” Repeat this loudly so it stays engraved in your mind. And write it down on a sticky note.

Once you establish your boundaries, communicate them at the right time. Of course, you don’t want to call him before your rendezvous and shout at him, “I’m definitely not going to fuck you tomorrow night,” or “You can only taste my pussy and suck on my nipples, honey.” That would definitely ruin the mystery and take the fun away from your first play date.

A bad idea is to wait to tell him about your boundaries until after three glasses of wine at dinner, because by then, you might be tipsy and uncontrollably horny. You might be thinking: “Boundaries? What boundaries?” or “I’ll see how the night goes . . .” No, you won’t see, you already know that you will end up in bed with him, and you might be upset about your drunk decision the next day. “Here we go! I acted like a slut again!” I can hear you calling.

But you also don’t want to wait until the point of no return—you, lying naked on his sofa, trying to turn back time and say you only wanted a kiss. That’s a perfect recipe for a frustrating night. But even then, remember this: there is always a way back, and nobody can pressure you to do things you aren’t comfortable with. Just because you’re naked doesn’t mean you have to fuck him!

If you need a tip to get out of it elegantly, pull the goddess move: tell him that first you’d like to cum...