Life In The Past Lane (eBook)

In the Beginning

I want you to write your birthdate down on a piece of paper. Take a good look at that date. It is the most important date in your life. Value that date and value yourself. You are here for a reason, and I want to help you identify that reason. July 14 is my important date. My birthday and the beginning of my story, and my journey into the unknown and uncertainties of my life.

Think about your own journey and where the twists and turns of life have taken you. Probably unpredictable and probably had many unknowns and uncertainties along the way. Our story and the stories of others have a beginning, a middle and an end and we want to explore these stories to have a better understanding of what we can do differently to make things better in our lives. What can you do differently to make things better for you?

Our stories are probably more similar than we may think. Obviously, the specific details may be different but fill in the blanks with your details and you will get what I mean. The early years of our story all seem to begin the same. We are born, we go home, but at this point our stories start to change. Think about your story as I tell you about mine. 

I was born at the University of Alberta hospital located in Edmonton, Alberta and was brought home to the small town of Bruderheim, Alberta. Bruderheim is about an hour and a half Northeast of Edmonton. We lived on a farm outside of the city. I do not remember anything about this epic event but can only assume through reports that this is how it happened. I believe not remembering life at an early age is normal.

I think the memories we have about our early years are a mix of reality and fabricated memories we use to fill in some of the gaps. Some people will report that they remember being born, being one, being two and so on. I am not disputing they have some memories; I am just not convinced they are accurate memories of themselves at that age. The problem I see is we have too many competing stories that get confusing to the point where we do not know if that was our story or someone else's.

I talk to clients about being curious, looking for defining moments in life to help them gain a better understanding of why they are the way they are. Operating on this theme of being curious about defining moments, I had an opportunity to visit the old homestead a few years ago. It was interesting to drive down the old gravel road and approach the old house. I was anticipating a rush of memories but, unfortunately, I did not.

I guess part of me was hoping to reveal something about myself that I had not previously known. I would often have dreams as a young child, being in a kitchen, in a house with my mother. That is my only memory of the house but as I said when I was there, standing in the kitchen, it stirred up zero emotion. Most likely I had fabricated some memories of what I thought it was like living there as a small child. I would like you to continue to think about your story as I continue mine. What stands out for you? What defining moments can you make note of? 

When I was two years old my mother divorced my biological father and moved to the City of Edmonton to raise my brothers and me. For some, this is already the formula for dysfunction. In the 1970s, if you were a child from a broken home the so-called experts at that time said you were destined for drugs, alcohol and a life of misery and heartache. This could have been our story, a single mother with 3 boys moving to the big city. How could anything good come from this?

Already, the path for us would be much different than many others at that time. I was the youngest of three. My brothers were older than me by 5 and 7 years. They were much closer with each other than they were with me, so I do not have a lot of warm and fuzzy stories to tell you about us all hanging out and having fun. They did their own thing and participated in activities like the Cub Scouts, and I honestly cannot remember what else they might have been doing.

I also do not remember what I was doing either. I know I was alone most of the time. I would wander around a lot, would ride my bike a lot but other than that I do not remember much more. As I mentioned my brothers were older than me and had more of a life at that time than I did.

When working with my clients who may be suffering from negativity in their lives, I use a strategy I call the blueprint for success. Paying attention and taking note of the things that are going well in their life and documenting these things. Things like how they act, how they respond to others, who they are with, what activities are they engaged in and so on.

Basically, documenting why things are going well at that time when things are going well. This is your blueprint for success. These are things you want to remember so when things go sideways you have a better idea of what you can do to pull yourself back on track, rather than continue your slide deeper into a pool of negativity. What can you put down on your blueprint for success?

So far in my life I did not have a lot to put down on my blueprint for success. Living with my mother and two brothers and being alone most of the time is a lonely place to be, but as I say to my clients “sometimes you have to look over the fence and down the road to see what’s there instead of focusing on the here and now”.

Imagine this, you are sitting in your backyard, and you have a fence all around you. All you really see is the fence. In other words, all you get to see is what is directly in front of you and if that is not good then all you see or all you focus on is the negative. If you are not careful, you become consumed with negativity, but here is another strategy that may help.

I suggest creating more awareness and more of a willingness to make an adjustment in your life. If you have an opportunity to look over the fence and down the street, you open opportunities to bring in new information that may help you. Be aware and then make an adjustment. I believe there is always hope for better days ahead, sometimes you may need to fight harder to see the light at the end of the tunnel or look over the fence, and down the street to see what else is there. 

Not being close with my brothers would be a theme that continues today. There was a short period when we did connect a little bit but that was many years ago and as life gets busy, we often focus more on our own journey and sometimes get our priorities out of order and do not pay attention to the journeys of our loved ones.

I do believe family and friends should come before work, but we all get stuck in this trap at one time or another and as I will say often throughout this book, we need to have awareness and a willingness to make adjustments to live our best lives. Are there people in your life you need to reconnect with?

Looking back now, I must admit my mother showed a lot of courage to leave her husband back in the 1970s, when leaving husbands was not the thing to do. As you are aware times have changed. Now a disagreement over butter or margarine can result in divorce. We are not putting in enough time and effort to build and grow our relationships and that is why so many are failing.

Perhaps part of that faulty belief system we discussed earlier that life should be easy, relationships should be easy, achieving success in life should be easy. However, as we gather evidence in our lives, we know that time and effort is necessary to have successful relationships just as time and effort is necessary for us to achieve success in our work lives. Life is not easy, but it can be better than it is right now.

I do not remember many emotionally charged events in detail from my earlier years. I thought maybe I was somehow blocking it out, but really, I think like many others I just have not sat down and thought about it enough. I have a general recollection of the events but no deep, emotional attachments to specific events seem to be present for me.

Even as I write this, you would think it would be a perfect time to reflect and think about my past more, but again, the events that come up are not emotionally charged in any way. I have a theory about this. I say to clients, and not to minimize their experiences but, your past is over, we cannot go back in time, that was then, and this is now. Take what you can from the past to help you have a better life in the future.

In other words, I have taken what I can from my past to help me have a better future. So, I am not blocking out the past, I have already in one way, or another, taken the information I felt was useful and have moved on. Live and learn from the past and try to do a better job moving forward.

The fact that I have not identified any emotionally charged events is okay. Again, that was then, and this is now and if you are happy with where you are in your life currently then how much does it really matter. If you are unhappy with where you are right now this would be a time for you to dive in and do more reflection on what was going on at that time, the defining moments, the time you remember when things were going well to the time when things stopped going well. Is something from your past holding you back from enjoying your life in the here and now and holding you back from embracing thoughts about happiness in the future? Write down your thoughts on this.

We are not in denial that there has been negativity in our lives. I believe we all have something we are trying to...