I Am Not My Sister's Keeper....I Am My Sister-Friend (eBook)

Chapter 1

 BELOVED DAUGHTER

(SURRENDER TO DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY)

As a Holistic Therapist for 20 years, I experienced my first 911 emergency. This was a call I never wanted to receive. My Mother was afflicted with a Heart Attack. I was at my Mother’s bedside 24-7 for three weeks of heavy rotation at Kaiser Medical Center. The Doctors were genuinely nice and knowledgeable providing educational videos regarding her heart condition. We learned the first step to recovery was to obtain a heart rate within a normal range as well as her breathing. The next step was to put a stent in place to improve her blood flow and heart rate. If the procedure went well the goal was to discharge her within two days otherwise, she would be transferred to a Heart Specialist in Fontana California or another hospital forty miles from her home. Of course, Mom refused, choosing to remain at Kaiser Medical Center located only ten miles from her home. By the end of twenty-four hours, my Beloved Mother had lost water weight taking her down to 165lbs. It was a good weight, but my Mother of curves looked exceedingly small and skinny on her small frame of 5’2 at 75 years young.

My Boss Lady inquired if I needed time off to be my Mother’s full-time Caregiver. I insisted on working reducing my workdays to four hours four days a week or sixteen hours. Lack of support from my family outside of California made this time even more stressful. I was left without emotional and physical support when no one offered to travel in for at least a week. I was overwhelmed. My Mother is one of the Matriarchs of the family. It was very devasting for her siblings to process the news of her illness. Her two sons were not able to process the thought of their mother having a crisis and possibly leaving them behind. They were unable to be by her side due to their family commitments. I understood but was overwhelmed by the lack of family presence.

Her illness touched family and friends in Chicago, Atlanta, Florida, Texas, California, and overseas. She was well-liked in her Christian Church World as well as the Mental Health Circles and Overseas. My Mother was the epitome of “You can’t keep a Sistah Woman Down”. The Manager of Miracles for Mental Health Consumers, she uplifted everyone encountered in her world of mental health care as though she was the gatekeeper. The best cook in the hood earned her the title of Top Chef. She never gave up working full-time every day.

Because of her strength and lack of support from my brothers in making healthcare decisions, I wiped my tears and took the lead of Big Sister Keeper, Business Entrepreneur in Charge/Control. My first task was to determine her Advanced Directives.

I presented this question on the fourth day of her hospital stay to determine if she had a WILL in place just in case transition to be with God. My mother reply ’No”! Wanting to take the initiative, I typed out a Will and Advanced Directives as to how she might like her after death wishes to be done. This caused my Mother to become so upset, tears of fear, and yelling at me that she is “not ready to leave this Earth”. I explained by having her wishes in writing would eliminate confusion when a medical crisis occurs. Furthermore, having a Will in place would prevent Drama and Dysfunction of our Family DNA. 

I turned to fast and prayer asking for God’s help. I was alone and turned to my Facebook Family and Friends asking for prayers. After a day I received over 2,0000 prayers. I shared this with my Mother. Upon hearing about the response of the outpouring of prayers, she signed the documents. I will never play Games or backstab my Beloved Mother; my first Love. I continued to provide the rotation of care according to my Mom’s instruction. She was in charge, but God was in control. I am God’s assistant to help her to have a speedy recovery back to Good Health.

My Mother’s illness occurred during my Birthday Month. It was July 19, 2016, my birthday. I asked God to take me and not my mother. I was laying on the floor of my Mom’s guest bedroom, crying releasing tears after visiting the hospital. I heard a door open. I got up and walked to the living room to find my Mom sitting in her lime green chair smiling exclaiming “Happy Birthday Sweetie”. I ran to her giving her a big kiss and a hug. Mom not being an affectionate person responded to my joy. Mom coming from a Family DNA of tough love was normally not affectionate. However, because of her heart condition, her heart was now opened to receive Love. 

The next day my joy was to be smothered. My Mother’s master and guest bathroom flooded. She planned to have the damage repaired as soon as she could. I agreed to empty the pails of water every two to four hours as well as change the floor pads. In my haste to make sure she was not stressed with the situation; I hired a cleaning person and painter to remodel the bedroom and bathroom. She declined my efforts as well as my offer to purchase new replacement items: carpet, paint, and a lounge chair. Her refusal became so strong she elevated to the level of calling me bad names. She viewed my actions as trying to control her house or take over. I only wanted her environment to be peaceful, healthy, and comfortable as she further recovered from her hospital stay. 

She was unable to communicate her fears to me needing to be in control and not to appear weak. She instead reverted to what she knew best which was the family DNA that includes Mental Health Challenges, Dysfunction, Domestic Violence, and Verbal Abuse. The women in my family take on the role of being the Super Black Woman, Powerful, and the Entrepreneur of Black Women Rocks. They stand tall on being right, smart sassy, and sophisticated. This is a struggle when you the Beloved Daughter are trying to reach their level of accomplishments. 

So, what did I do? I cried hard and long to God. I felt alone…not understanding how the day before I was over the moon ecstatic for the birthday gift of my Mother’s release from the hospital to spiral out of control wanting to give up. My strength to remain mentally healthy was dissipated resulting in me falling into a deep dark depression which was to last for eight months. 

My darkness was a challenge for my Mom to witness. Once she was better, she returned to work. Ironically, she worked with a group home that housed Adults who had Mental Health Challenges. She left me in her guest room telling me she was only in the next town, a phone call away. I felt as though I was experiencing her health condition since I was broken-hearted over her lack of support as I spiraled out of control. I looked up into my Mom’s eyes as if I were 4 years old again. ‘Please don’t leave me, I don’t know how to get my flow back into Life, I gave it my all to you”. She only could give me her tough LOVE. Her heart again was closed. I could not fathom how she could not give me the same love I gave during her health crisis. I knew if my brothers or other family had been present during my moment of need, she would have given in to everyone caring and sharing of their LOVE to help. But all I saw was her giving me HATE from within. At that moment I felt Motherless. I was crying for her heart to open again.

Tears rolled down my face, my heart was broken as she hugged me and said goodbye. I cried until falling asleep. The next morning, I planned how to KILL myself. I reasoned I had accomplished all my dreams. My Mother’s continued rejection had affected my whole life. I had nothing else to live for. All my life I worked hard for my Mother to be demonstrative with her unconditional love. Instead, I received “Know you are Loved”. This was the Tough Love she learned. Love is hard, unkind, no affection through touch or warm hugs to feed the soul. There were no opportunities to share feelings and thoughts to be released from negativity which ultimately diseased the body. There was no peace of mind knowing someone was there to love you no matter what accomplished.

In my first book, “A Daughter’s DNA’, I share the story of my grandmother’s Mental Health Challenges which interfered with her ability to demonstrate love. This was the reason for my Mother’s determent of providing the love as needed by her Beloved Daughter. I understand my mother’s challenges of being the caregiver of her siblings, a mother of three kids of special unique talents. My Mom did her best as a creative unique talented Black Woman of Beauty. I did not recognize this until I went through the steps of my mental health recovery. Despite the fact she works in the world of Mental Health, she was not able to be supportive of me, her daughter. I felt that I shamed her. I made a mistake as the Beloved Best Daughter. I knew my big mistake can be erased with Love. Love is everything especially when you fall low and deep. Love will pick you up off the floor and shine your brightness for a New and Improved Beginning.

My attempt to kill myself was prevented by my nephew who released the cord from around my neck. At twenty years of age, he told me how proud he was of me. He tried to help me to understand that my Mom loved me, she just had a hard time saying and showing me for me to understand that it was unconditional. He gave me examples of family, friends as well as the girls I mentored at the LMCC (18 to 24). He reminded me of the impact I had on their lives which help to change them into beautiful flowers of womanhood. They will always carry your love for them as Sister’s keeper and wear the charm bracelet of sister-friend for Life. I smile at...