Divorcing in Love - Rebecca Harvey Psy.D.

Divorcing in Love (eBook)

A Heart Warrior's Guide to Ending Your Relationship with Intentional Action

Rebecca Harvey Psy.D. (Autor)

eBook Download: EPUB

2020 | 1. Auflage
338 Seiten
Bookbaby (Verlag)
978-1-0983-0381-5 (ISBN)

Why not end your relationship in the same way you started it...with LOVE? A contemporary guide for the Heart Warriors of the world. This book is for those who are committed to ending your relationship from an intentional perspective, based in loving action. Dr. Rebecca Harvey calls upon her expertise at the crossroads of neurobiologically-based psychotherapeutic interventions and spiritually informed mind-body awareness to create this alternative approach to ending your relationship. Divorce and long term relationship termination does not have to be filled with reactive, dramatic interactions and unbearable suffering. In this book Dr. Harvey offers support of the case for a loving divorce process. You will find considerations of self-care in preparation for your divorce journey and beyond, as well as specific steps, exercises, and meditations to support your journey from start to finish-while rooting your actions in love.

Divorcing in Love is a contemporary guide for the "e;Heart Warriors"e; of the world. Those who use a spiritual foundation of love, regardless of religious affiliation, to support their authentic journey through life. This book is for those who are committed to ending your relationship from an intentional perspective, based in loving action. Meditation, visualization, cultivation of personal insight, development of compassion, and emotional regulation are just some of the aspects discussed in this book. Practical considerations for both the legal and financial aspects of divorce are outlined, as well as how to best manage children while divorcing. Dr. Rebecca Harvey calls upon her expertise at the crossroads of neurobiologically-based psychotherapeutic interventions and spiritually informed mind-body awareness to create this alternative approach to ending your relationship. Divorce and long term relationship termination does not have to be filled with reactive, dramatic interactions and unbearable suffering. In this book Dr. Harvey offers support of the case for a loving divorce process. You will find considerations of self-care in preparation for your divorce journey and beyond, as well as specific steps, exercises, and meditations to support your journey from start to finish, for the best possible outcome during this difficult time-all the while, rooting your actions in love.

Chapter 2

Managing Your Mindset:

The Importance of

Shifting Your Perspective

“It’s not what happens to you,but how you

react to it that matters.”

–Epictetus

It may be difficult to conceive that your spouse, who you may resent right now, was once one of the most special people in your world. I certainly wouldn’t suggest that the pain or betrayal they may have caused you is deserved, justified, or okay. But we are all human. If we are truly honest with ourselves, we can all be selfish, jealous, deceptive, angry, needy, controlling, critical, withholding, and plain old mean to differing degrees at different moments in our life. A short-sighted comment I often hear clients say in regard to being hurt by their partner is “I would never do something like that to someone.” I believe my clients are being honest when they say this. However, the truth is, we very rarely know what we are capable of until we are pushed past our threshold and find ourselves behaving in ways “unlike” ourselves. Once we admit that we are all capable of hurting others, we can begin the process of extending compassion to all. Compassion is important because it is the first step on the path to forgiveness, and this forgiveness will set you free emotionally.

Right now, it may sound impossible, and you may feel an adverse reaction at your very core when considering extending compassion or forgiveness to your partner. You may want to say to me, “You wouldn’t agree if you knew what my partner did (or how they treated me).” Believe me, I can relate to this perspective. But, if you are able to quiet your mind and listen to your inner voice, the voice that comes from a place of love, you will likely, in time, be able to access your desire for forgiveness. Letting go of your pain about your relationship is essential to move forward in a healthy way. Trust that, as you move forward in an intentional manner, you will find ways to release your pain.

Many people scoff at the idea of Divorcing in Love as they assert how much they truly hate their once-adored partner. I have heard my clients express that it would be impossible to find any loving feelings amidst the depths of hate they currently feel. So, let’s take a look at the word “hate.”

One of my favorite philosophers, Rollo May, stated, “Hate is not the opposite of love; apathy is.” This sentence holds so much truth. HATE IS NOT THE OPPOSITE OF LOVE, despite the commonly held misconception. Hate is better understood as “love disappointed” or “love unrequited.” The true opposite of love is apathy or indifference. When we love someone, and they do not value, treat, or love us in the way we believe we deserve, we are, at the very least, disappointed. When we express that disappointment and are still unable to obtain the treatment we seek from our partner, we may find ourselves slipping into feelings of contempt, resentment, and even “hate.”

If we can begin to accept that the feelings of hate actually stem from an original place of love, we may be more inclined to move toward a loving divorce process. After all, most people are not moving through divorce in a state of apathy—a lack of emotion one way or the other for their partner. Those who disagree might reflect on whether their “sense” of apathy is actually emotional detachment from feelings about your partner. One way to test this is to consider some recent experiences that have led you to contemplate divorce. Certainly, these memories stir some emotional response in you. The emotion you experience, as you think of these memories, verifies that you are not in a state of apathy regarding your partner. Next, if you are able to let yourself move into deeper awareness, beyond the initial feeling of anger or hate to the place where this heavy emotion originated, you are likely to find hurt and disappointment. It is reasonable to feel hurt and disappointed. You made yourself vulnerable by opening your heart to your partner, and now, you feel let down.

When I have shared the idea that apathy is truly the opposite of love with my clients and they respond by asserting their feelings of apathy, it doesn’t take much exploration to reveal that they have many emotions, however blocked off they may prefer to feel from those emotions in the moment. In fact, often the outward stance of indifference (i.e., “I don’t care if she dies”) is a defense against awareness of deeper conflicting feelings of love, alongside hurt and anger.

Moving from our deepest loving commitment to a genuine place of having no feelings whatsoever toward our partner is very unlikely. However, having feelings of hurt, anger, shame, sadness, remorse, guilt, and so on, is very common and often the fuel behind a nasty divorce process. Awareness of this deeper emotional experience is the place where your healing will need to originate. No amount of unfavorable emotion is reason enough to justify a battle that ultimately robs you of your peace and happiness.

Exercise Invitation: Shift Your Thinking

Stop trying to solve the problem of your emotions or decide the ways you would like your partner to change, particularly if you have decided to let go of the relationship. Instead, focus on accepting what is, rather than continuing to lament what you wish had been. There is tremendous suffering to bear when we choose to “wallow” in our disappointment.

It is important to have enough compassion for ourselves that we stop fixating on things we cannot control and shift our focus elsewhere entirely. Practicing mindfulness can assist with conditioning your brain to redirect your thoughts to ones that will serve you better in the moment. Meditation can also be an effective “distraction” from yourpain. Keep in mind that attempting to meditate in a particularly heightened state of emotional arousal is not an effective strategy. You must practice this instead during moments that are free from intense distress. This is how a meditation practice is helpful—you build the skill that you can then more easily call upon during difficult moments.

The key to effective application of cognitive redirection is making a choice to move your thoughts to something else, rather than wasting time and emotions spinning in upsetting, unproductive thought patterns.

For your practice, bring to mind a time when you felt completely relaxed and happy. Recall where you were, what you were doing, and what was going on around you. Notice how you feel in your body to really enrich the experience. Now bring a thought to mind of something that recently was irritating or upsetting with your ex or about your divorce. It might help to start with something relatively small to illustrate this exercise, like a level 2–3 rating on a scale of 10, with 10 being most disturbing. You can always practice with bigger things once you feel more comfortable with the practice. Now notice yourself thinking about the upsetting thought and make the choice to stop and switch over to the positive experience you just had in your mind. Stay with that positive experience until you feel your emotions and body sensations begin to shift back into a positive state.

If you’d like, you can move back and forth between the two thoughts, noting how your emotional experience changes. You may notice that it is easier to get “sucked in” by your negative thoughts. This is natural but can interrupt your effort to stay in a positive emotional space.

Notice that you can switch gears to the positive thought by exerting a willful effort. Recognizing you have this ability reminds you that you do not have to stay spinning in your negative thought patterns but can redirect to different thoughts whenever it is beneficial for you.

One way of discovering the deeper feelings you may have about your partner is to look at your unmet expectations and your lost hopes. It may help to understand that you are grieving your loss of some of your biggest dreams—whether you realize it or not. Grieving during divorce is not a simple one-step process. You may grieve many aspects of your marriage, even if it was not the best fit in all areas. You may find you grieve in distinctly separate moments as you let go of a friend, a travel companion, a sexual partner, afinancial provider, or a co-parent. Considering all the hopes and dreams you are releasing when you release your partner, don’t be surprised if your grief seems to “sneak up on you” at unexpected moments. The good news is, if you elect to divorce, you are exchanging these expired hopes for new dreams for your life.

Some people assert, “I never loved my partner to begin with, so I’m not grieving them.” It’s true, some people marry for circumstance, like pregnancy, family arrangement, or social expectations. In these cases, I ask you to acknowledge that you at least agreed, with some level of hope, to build a life with someone. You likely had warm feelings about how things would play out for you. While those feelings may now be absent, it is my hope that you are reading this with a personal desire to cultivate a sense of peace for yourself. Ending things with your partner on good terms is a good way to begin.

My point is, regardless of the situation, divorce feels disappointing on some level. If we can begin to accept our feelings of disappointment, we become more resilient. While it may prove challenging, even with the best...

Erscheint lt. Verlag	27.3.2020
Sprache	englisch
Themenwelt	Sachbuch/Ratgeber ► Gesundheit / Leben / Psychologie ► Partnerschaft / Sexualität
ISBN-10	1-0983-0381-4 / 1098303814
ISBN-13	978-1-0983-0381-5 / 9781098303815

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