INTRODUCTION

Why me? Why not me??

Although I’ve addressed the matter in two separate and consecutive chapters, I thought it important to say a bit more about it all here, as well as to give you, the reader a heads-up as to what this book is all about and how it is organized.

First and foremost, this is a book that is as much about dating and mating as it is about the state of where Black America is at the early part of the 21st century - a time of great change and transition. However, while others may observe this in economic, political and of course, racial terms, I attempt to chronicle all this in the most personal, intimate and primal of ways - the sexual, the romantic, the relational, the familial.

My more than a decade of boots-on-the-ground “in-field” experience uncovered a troubling dichotomy - that what was on offer from “Black Love experts” was decidedly different from what was actually happening on the ground in real time out in these streets. More revealing was the sheer volume and cacophony of voices spewing forth from a Black social media firehose, exposing the raw, often unvarnished dark underbelly of “Black Love” in the digital age.

When I actually began doing a literary review of all the extant “Black Love” literature - and by that I mean, all the many “how-to” manuals and books to one degree or another bearing on “Black Love” - my “man on the street” observations only deepened. To be brutally frank, very little of what my assistants and I actually read or studied, was anything worth the while; works by these so-called experts were poorly conceived, written and presented; some reflected a smattering of editing, while more than I care to recount had none at all. And don’t even get me started about the utter lack of scholarly or even journalistic sources. Hah!

And yet, what I refer to as “The Black Love Machine” churns steadily along. Its consumers - traditionally Black female but in more recent years increasingly Black male - eat all this stuff up at an exponential rate. But despite the growth of what I consider to be an industrial complex in its own right, on the ground and reflected in all manner of indicia, “Black Love,” is, when one really stops to think about it, another way of saying, “the Black Family” or even, “the Black Community.” It continues to change in very profound - and not always positive - ways.

Oh, we try to put the best face (spin) on these changes; take marriage for example. It can now be heard on Black social media that jumping the broom is and perhaps was always old hat; that simply because fewer Black people are marrying, doesn’t mean that they are loving each other any less. Cohabitation is fast becoming the norm for “all” Americans, we are told by these same denizens of Black social media; and just look at all the Black Americans who have done well despite coming from single-mother led homes, dontcha know. These and other bromides have become the pat responses anytime these dating and mating topics come up. It’s understandable to see how and why there are many, expressed again most vividly in Black social media itself, who would reflexively recoil and respond to a matter-of-fact telling of the empirical facts in this regard.

To make matters even more interesting - or worse, depending on your view of the author - my very presence has really seemed to raise the hackles of onlookers. Perhaps the most interesting to me, was the sudden flowering of inquiries into my “qualifications” to be a dating coach, I’ve noted with a level of wry amusement and curiosity that the same level of scrutiny or skepticism isn’t given to other so-called “Black Love” and relationship experts. Take for example, Oprah Winfrey: throughout her long and storied career, she is considered by millions of Black women to be, if not a de facto expert on “Black Love”, a facilitator of it at the very least, known for featuring such “experts” as Iyanla Vanzant. Both of these Black women have, to put it mildly, colorful relationship histories; yet, no one seems to have a problem with that.

Another very famous example is none other than Mr. Steve Harvey. He’s been married and divorced multiple times; and has admitted to being one of the very cheating Black men Black women like actress/comedian/author Loni Love bang on about. None of that has stopped his now-classic work, “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man ” from achieving New York Times bestseller status. If indeed Black women had a problem with Harvey, it certainly was hard to tell by the book sales and his very successful television career.

The relative newcomer to the “Black Love ” business that proves the point yet again, is social media influencer and self-described “self-love ambassador” Derrick Jaxn. Despite being barely 30 years old and very much a newlywed, Black women - old enough to be his mom and in some cases, his grandmom - hang on to his every word (or his bicep?)!

And that’s just for starters. There are many other examples of those who, despite elevating themselves as “experts” in love and relationships in Black America, have questionable track records in the matter themselves. Both Hill Harper, another NYT bestseller multiple times, is a confirmed bachelor, as is fellow “Black Love” NYT bestseller and longtime radio jock Michael Baisden. They are joined by the likes of social media personalities Stephan Labossiere and Ace Metaphor. Not to be outdone, April Mason, another social media personality and self-styled dating expert, is herself single and a divorcee’. There are many, many other examples.

The simple truth is that all of these examples highlight and reflect the reality of modern day Black America; that relatively few of us are in fact getting married anymore and that on a very profound level, the very nature of dating and mating has in fact, changed. And I think the reason why so many have a problem with me weighing in, is because I unabashedly and pointedly highlight these and other unflattering facts - facts that we all would rather be left unsaid.

I wrote this book because, at the risk of sounding quite a bit conceited, it had to be done and no one else was around or willing to do it. What “qualifies” me for this monumental task is that I am a Black man living in the early 21st century, who has dealt with Black women and who has something to add to this multi-decades long conversation that is fresh, novel and at times, jarring. Even more to the point, like the aforementioned names, I too am a personality in my own right, have a following, and many tune in everyday to hear my take. And finally, I am part of the nation’s largest cohort of confirmed bachelors - Black men. When the barriers are this low to enter into the “Black Love” business, don’t hate on the brotha who took advantage of the very low standards Black folks have along these lines.

Hate the game.

And finally, a word about the structure and background of this book. It is the result of some seven months of writing; much of it comes directly from my weekly dating coach column from the Negromanosphere website. Other material is sourced from my “members-only” columns on dating, previously appearing in my newsletter. And still other chapters were written specifically for the book itself; namely, “The Black Love Machine” and “The Pro-Black Game”, are the two best examples in this regard.

I have written the book precisely in this way on purpose; the weekly column format is a “ripped from the headlines” riff on the dating and mating happenings of the day in Black American life, modeled after the long-running hit crime drama “Law & Order”. Taking this approach is much more timely and topical than the pat “theoretical” approach of my peers. In this way, readers can see in real time how and why I take the stances that I do and how my approach to dating and mating in a 21st century context makes sense, even if they do not personally agree with it. More than merely being a dating and mating manual for the particular demographic, mine is a book that is in a very real sense, a kind of snapshot in time - one that I hope that future generations will look back on when all the other “Black Love” books are long forgotten. Time will tell if I am right.

“The Book of Obsidian” is comprised of two main sections: “The Macro”, which deals with those “ripped from the headlines” topics from a more bird’s eye perspective, where I give my commentary on the state of Black America through the lens of dating and mating; and “The Micro”, which is a kind of how-to manual giving my personal take on and approach to dating and mating matters, focused on the individual Black man in these heady times. In the case of the latter, I borrowed from many sources, including pickup artists and the like, for which I explain how and why in the relevant chapters. In no way is it meant to be comprehensive, though I will go so far as to say that it just might be so when it comes to the “Black Love” genre. As such, this book serves as both a dispassionate “Martian“‘s point of view of where we are, and a very personal “how-to” guide as to how to get ‘er done.

At nearing 50 chapters(!), it became apparent to me very early on in this project that I wouldn’t possibly be able to cover...